Originally Posted by kkamalesh

Hey Quizas,
I think you have accused me without knowing exactly how I broke up with my gf. She broke up and not me. I was ready to do anything to marry her, but she wanted my parents to accept us before we could get married. Also, I did convince my dad to talk to her dad. Things were looking a bit fine, but then my sister wrote a nasty letter to my gf accusing her of she being in love only because I was in USA and she being after money and she is a bitch etc. My gf and her family pretty much stopped everything after this. She didn't even talk to me after that and I was left stranded in pain. But, I know the pain and difficulties she would have gone through. I should have left everything here in USA and gone for her to India, but I didn't, but my gf should not have taken a decision like that just based on a letter from my sister. What do you think?

Kamalesh,

For once, forget what others have done or what they could have done. The fact of life is, the only person we can hold responsible for our life is ourself! The only person, one can have control over is one's own self and not others. We can never compel others to act the way we want them to but we can certainly take charge of our lives to realise our wishes or our dreams!

You said, things were going right for you, and then suddenly your sister wrote a letter to your EX, and things simply went out of hand. No, to be very honest, things are never that simple. You need to realise and accept one thing very clearly that whatever happened, happened after the families got involved! Especially when both the families were trying to accept and acknowledge their children's decision. It was not like it happens in arranged marriages, where the families have known each other or manage to know each other through family, friends or acquaintances. In your case, your families were going by you and your gf's wisdom and judgement and happiness. Things were in a very delicate phase when your sister wrote a certain letter. You see, first of all, your sister, had no authority to act the way she did with your gf, especially with the families involved. The girl's family had no reason to take such insults from just about anybody. Also, I don't need to tell you the entire experience was scary enough for just about any respectable family to pause and perhaps step out of making a lifetime arrangement, when they know their daughter will be bullied and subjected to nasty treatment.

The worst was your absence! You just never came down. In that case, how do you expect someone or a family to go SIMPLY by your words, when you simply never acted, when you had no control over your own family?!?! (Your ex was absolutely right in seeking the families acknowledgement for your union) You see, our actions speaks louder than our words.

Please realise your ex was at least trying to keep things sane at her end, but where were you to reign in some nasty elements at your end? Your physical presence was required at least for the girl’s family to understand that yes you’re a man who can take good care of their daughter. That you loved her enough to make things respectable for her and you were a man matured enough to handle difficult situations in a composed manner.

In fact, I feel, your ex did everything that was desired out of her, whereas I feel, you have let her down. If she was important enough, like you have admitted, you SHOULD have flown down to India to be with her, when it was absolutely necessary for the two of you together to bring your relationship at a respectable point. And above all, to CONVINCE her family, that their daughter meant the world to you and she was important to you.

ANYWAY.

Honestly, please accept the fact, that you have messed up big time. I hope you realise it now, that neither your sister, nor your family is at the receiving end, but it’s you who’s here and who’s battling his emotions over something that’s long gone and dead, perhaps.

I keep on harping, a lie, after all is a lie. Please speak your mind, please be yourself and do what YOU think is right. Don’t let people influence your life to the extent, that at the end of it all, you realise, you only wasted something precious for no reason at all. Only because you fell for convenience, or only because you were so influenced by others that you failed to differentiate right from wrong.

At this point in time, I can only advice you to communicate with your wife and you ex in complete total honesty. You need to take this off your chest. Apologise to people, especially these two women, if you feel, you have not been just to them. If you ex says, she doesn’t want to hear from you ever again, please accept it and close the chapter forever. If your wife says, she wants her way out of this marriage, let her do that.

To be very honest, I don’t think, people can ever fall out of love (I am talking about genuine affection!) but yes, people can certainly lose respect. And that exactly is the case here. If not love, please try and restore the respect! The people involved here couldn’t live in peace, but they at least deserve to die in peace. So please be honest and communicate in total honesty. It’s important for the concerned people to know, that they loved and they lost, but they love!

Regards,
Quizas

Hey quizas
Have you read this : http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...all-wrong.html

Looks like both are here ?????

Originally Posted by quizas

Kamalesh,

For once, forget what others have done or what they could have done. The fact of life is, the only person we can hold responsible for our life is ourself! The only person, one can have control over is one's own self and not others. We can never compel others to act the way we want them to but we can certainly take charge of our lives to realise our wishes or our dreams!

You said, things were going right for you, and then suddenly your sister wrote a letter to your EX, and things simply went out of hand. No, to be very honest, things are never that simple. You need to realise and accept one thing very clearly that whatever happened, happened after the families got involved! Especially when both the families were trying to accept and acknowledge their children's decision. It was not like it happens in arranged marriages, where the families have known each other or manage to know each other through family, friends or acquaintances. In your case, your families were going by you and your gf's wisdom and judgement and happiness. Things were in a very delicate phase when your sister wrote a certain letter. You see, first of all, your sister, had no authority to act the way she did with your gf, especially with the families involved. The girl's family had no reason to take such insults from just about anybody. Also, I don't need to tell you the entire experience was scary enough for just about any respectable family to pause and perhaps step out of making a lifetime arrangement, when they know their daughter will be bullied and subjected to nasty treatment.

The worst was your absence! You just never came down. In that case, how do you expect someone or a family to go SIMPLY by your words, when you simply never acted, when you had no control over your own family?!?! (Your ex was absolutely right in seeking the families acknowledgement for your union) You see, our actions speaks louder than our words.

Please realise your ex was at least trying to keep things sane at her end, but where were you to reign in some nasty elements at your end? Your physical presence was required at least for the girl’s family to understand that yes you’re a man who can take good care of their daughter. That you loved her enough to make things respectable for her and you were a man matured enough to handle difficult situations in a composed manner.

In fact, I feel, your ex did everything that was desired out of her, whereas I feel, you have let her down. If she was important enough, like you have admitted, you SHOULD have flown down to India to be with her, when it was absolutely necessary for the two of you together to bring your relationship at a respectable point. And above all, to CONVINCE her family, that their daughter meant the world to you and she was important to you.

ANYWAY.

Honestly, please accept the fact, that you have messed up big time. I hope you realise it now, that neither your sister, nor your family is at the receiving end, but it’s you who’s here and who’s battling his emotions over something that’s long gone and dead, perhaps.

I keep on harping, a lie, after all is a lie. Please speak your mind, please be yourself and do what YOU think is right. Don’t let people influence your life to the extent, that at the end of it all, you realise, you only wasted something precious for no reason at all. Only because you fell for convenience, or only because you were so influenced by others that you failed to differentiate right from wrong.

At this point in time, I can only advice you to communicate with your wife and you ex in complete total honesty. You need to take this off your chest. Apologise to people, especially these two women, if you feel, you have not been just to them. If you ex says, she doesn’t want to hear from you ever again, please accept it and close the chapter forever. If your wife says, she wants her way out of this marriage, let her do that.

To be very honest, I don’t think, people can ever fall out of love (I am talking about genuine affection!) but yes, people can certainly lose respect. And that exactly is the case here. If not love, please try and restore the respect! The people involved here couldn’t live in peace, but they at least deserve to die in peace. So please be honest and communicate in total honesty. It’s important for the concerned people to know, that they loved and they lost, but they love!

Regards,
Quizas

Thanks Quizas... I know I am in denial... I didn't leave everything and go to India for the girl who meant everything to me. Now my whole life is messed up because of regret and guilt. I totally let her down and messed up her life. I made the wrong decision when I was young. I should have at least try and talk to her early on, but I was too upset, emotional and selfish I guess.

At that time, I had spent 3years in U.S studying and just got a job and my family needed a lot of monitory support and I was scared to take a chance at that time. I just didn't think right... Now I have to die with regret.

I have all the money I ever wanted, a wife and 2 kids... A perfect family from the world's eyes, but I am not able to be peaceful even for a second in my life. I am trying hard to truly love my wife, but I just can't take my gf off my heart. I would die if it was not for the kids. I just need to figure out to be peaceful somehow, but I don't know how.

Originally Posted by Yahoo

Hey quizas
Have you read this : http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...all-wrong.html

Looks like both are here ?????

That's her and that's exactly what happened... I wish I could go back and fix everything, but time does not wait for anyone.

Originally Posted by quizas

Yes, Kumail, you're pretty much right as far as OP is concerned. OP is used for the "Original Poster". Thanks a bunch for responding to the above query, the person perhaps has problems with understanding plain english. Regards, Q.



I can understand! Perhaps, why you couldn't respond to my post! Nevertheless, to make things easier for you, OP is the Original poster, to make it all the more simpler for you, OP is the person who initiated this particular discussion or raised this particular query! I hope, this is clear and am not complicating things further for you.

And ONUS, well Onus means a burden, an obligation or responsibility, often something not very easy.

Plain English, you see! Nevertheless, thank you for reading through my post and at least bothering to understand a few words here and there.

Sincere Regards,
Quizas

Well, I am sorry for not understanding what you said. But let me tell you, there isn't anything new that you said in your post to kkamlesh. You are repeating everything I already posted to some extend. Please avoid redundancy as it might create confusion in the " OP's " mind.

Thank You !!

Originally Posted by Yahoo

Hey quizas
Have you read this : http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...all-wrong.html

Looks like both are here ?????

Yess seems like both the parties are here. I would like kkamlesh to view this post also.

Originally Posted by Pulkit

Well, I am sorry for not understanding what you said. But let me tell you, there isn't anything new that you said in your post to kkamlesh. You are repeating everything I already posted to some extend. Please avoid redundancy as it might create confusion in the " OP's " mind.

Thank You !!

Well, well, well, I am now more than sure, you haven't understand my post completely. Do you realise, we have been of entirely opposite views? LOL!

Also, are you suggesting me, that since you have answered others are not entitled to respond to this post because then it gets "redundant" even if it's not the OP but you who's got confused? Please try and stop directing people on what and what not they can write. You can always skip reading my posts, let the OP decide if he wants to respond to my post or not. You see, the OP, I and other respondents to this thread and my post, have a discussion going on!

Also if you have an issue with me, please PM me or please lets shift our "issue" to the other segment for gen. discussions and not on this particular thread. I don't see, why you must continue a baseless argument here?

I would have loved it if you would have responded to MY POST TO THE THREAD, which you have already skipped!

Anyway. Good bye and Good luck!

Originally Posted by kkamalesh

That's her and that's exactly what happened... I wish I could go back and fix everything, but time does not wait for anyone.

Thats her here ?
You both are asking for advice at same time and same place and yes.. after so many years. ?

Originally Posted by kkamalesh

That's her and that's exactly what happened... I wish I could go back and fix everything, but time does not wait for anyone.

Hello kkamlesh,
So now when you both are here on the forum, what do you expect from us ?

In regards to what your ex-girlfriend has written in her post, all I should say is, things would have been smooth and easy if you would have interfere in the matter when it was required. I would like to know, what did you do after you got to know that your sister wrote a letter to your ex-girlfriend ???? Did you ever try to mend things up or not ?? Did you ever try to speak to your sister and tell her how much you guys are in love ? What did your sister do, then ??

Moreover, from the thread your ex-girlfriend has posted, it seems to me that she has no regrets for what she has done. she just want a plain answer that whatever she did was right or wrong ? Never did she say, she want to get back in your life or marry you now. So, it makes me believe in the fact that she has moved on in her life and you and things attache to you doesn't seems to concern to her now.

So, it would be better if you realize this fact as soon as possible and try to MOVE ON in life !!!

Originally Posted by quizas

Well, well, well, I am now more than sure, you haven't understand my post completely. Do you realise, we have been of entirely opposite views? LOL!

Also, are you suggesting me, that since you have answered others are not entitled to respond to this post because then it gets "redundant" even if it's not the OP but you who's got confused? Please try and stop directing people on what and what not they can write. You can always skip reading my posts, let the OP decide if he wants to respond to my post or not. You see, the OP, I and other respondents to this thread and my post, have a discussion going on!

Also if you have an issue with me, please PM me or please lets shift our "issue" to the other segment for gen. discussions and not on this particular thread. I don't see, why you must continue a baseless argument here?

I would have loved it if you would have responded to MY POST TO THE THREAD, which you have already skipped!

Anyway. Good bye and Good luck!

Hello quizas,

Let me tell you we are not of opposite views and all I wanted to say is you have posted such a long comment which contain points I already made. You are an individual in your own respect...you have your own views and ofcourse you are free to publish them or speak them out whenever, wherever you want, as such they hardly bother me.

I have never asked you to stop writing or commenting on the posts but I would appreciate if you can add things up instead of repeating what has already been stated. I like the concept that someone else is here who is following these posts and trying to help others by lessening their miseries. Keep it on !!!

MY FINAL RESPONSE TO YOU - YOU CAN CARRY ON, BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP RESPONDING TO SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER UNDERSTOOD A WORD I HAVE UTTERED! THIS POST ONWARDS, YOU'RE IGNORED!

Originally Posted by Pulkit

Hello quizas,

Let me tell you we are not of opposite views and all I wanted to say is you have posted such a long comment which contain points I already made. You are an individual in your own respect...you have your own views and ofcourse you are free to publish them or speak them out whenever, wherever you want, as such they hardly bother me.

I have never asked you to stop writing or commenting on the posts but I would appreciate if you can add things up instead of repeating what has already been stated. I like the concept that someone else is here who is following these posts and trying to help others by lessening their miseries. Keep it on !!!

Oh My God! Now you will compel me to believe, that we're of the same opinion?!?!?!? LOL. Pulkit, please stop creating a scene here!!! Don't talk just about anything only because you have to . Read MY first post (you skipped responding to!) in response to your POSTSSSS to know how "SIMILAR" our views are! Also, enough, I am repeating, I am here to discuss things with the original poster and I am not interested in disturbing this thread only because a certain person is confused!

I am telling you again, don't guide people on how to respond and on what to respond! DOn't try to moderate the thread! Like I have said, the OP and others have bothered to read and respond to my post, no matter how lengthy it is and that is what matters to me. PERIOD! I respond to a post, where I feel I can contribute and I can make a difference. I don't write here on whatsoever post I come across or I don't google and copy-paste articles, just because I have free time to kill!

Originally Posted by kkamalesh

Thanks Quizas... I know I am in denial... I didn't leave everything and go to India for the girl who meant everything to me. Now my whole life is messed up because of regret and guilt. I totally let her down and messed up her life. I made the wrong decision when I was young. I should have at least try and talk to her early on, but I was too upset, emotional and selfish I guess.

At that time, I had spent 3years in U.S studying and just got a job and my family needed a lot of monitory support and I was scared to take a chance at that time. I just didn't think right... Now I have to die with regret.

I have all the money I ever wanted, a wife and 2 kids... A perfect family from the world's eyes, but I am not able to be peaceful even for a second in my life. I am trying hard to truly love my wife, but I just can't take my gf off my heart. I would die if it was not for the kids. I just need to figure out to be peaceful somehow, but I don't know how.

Apologies, Kamalesh! I just managed to read your post. I believe, since we both are new on the forum, our posts take time to get published. Nevertheless, no matter how slow, we at least manage to communicate.

I completely understand every single word you have said here. And honestly, believe me, you're not the only person in this situation.

I know, how people, often people very close to us, keep telling us, "be reasonable, be practical, be logical, be responsible" in fact, everything but "be honest, be true to yourself", without realising how adversely our "reasons" and "responsibilities" can affect our life!

In fact do you realise, in my very first post to this thread (while addressing another reader) I had said,

"XYZ, yes you have talked about how the OP needs to "be practical, be reasonable", and I am sure, the OP was given the same reasons like be practical, be reasonable, think of responsibilities towards your parents, family, society, whatsoever, etc when he was "coaxed" into leaving the love of his life and marrying a woman, he claims to have never loved and who eventually strayed!!! And now like we see, all of the reasonable and practical approach didn't help one bit! A lie, afterall is a lie!"

Yes, you messed up, but the most unfortunate thing is this happens with so many of us, especially when we're young. The fact is we are so programmed to believe that OUR ELDERS are always right that even though when we are certain that we're right, sometimes we end up playing "safe" only to eventually realise, that it was so not worth! Of course, this can not be reversed, but then you can't beat yourself to death over this.

Coming back to the main issue, I'll maintain you need to communicate with your wife (MOST IMPORTANT!), with the girl you loved (Yes, an honest confession about how you feel about the entire situation!) and now also your children in complete honesty (If the situation demands it!).

I can assure you, your wife will understand what you're talking about and perhaps, chances are bright that she might even share or echo the same sentiments, given whatever's happened off late. (And this is irrespective of whether your ex wants to be with you or not!) If you and your wife are able to talk through the situation like two matured friends would, then yes a lot will become easier for everyone involved.

Yes, your children of course will take time and yes they will have a lot of questions, perhaps might even resent you. Because, after all, for our children we're their "super / flawless" parents first and later ordinary human beings who have a heart that bleeds and a mind that thinks! But I believe, they will understand things. I strongly believe, children can understand and empathise things way better than matured adults can! We, as matured adults, have our own selfish agendas when we give an opinion, whereas children usually speak their mind and hearts!

So please be brave, and for once, do what you think is necessary for you! Of course, it's not going to be easy. But like I always say, a relationship based on honesty is more important than a lie well executed. Irrespective of whether you stand a chance to reunite with your lost love, at least confess to the two most important women in your life, how and what you feel about the entire situation. You need to realise, what I mean when I say, restore the respect and faith! You have made a mistake, but it's ok to make a mistake. The important thing is to acknowledge it, repent over it sincerely, in honesty, apologise to the aggrieved parties and make peace with and for everyone!

Do you realise your running away from both your EX and also your wife has only made them believe that perhaps you never loved them and perhaps you never cared which is not true and that is what is killing the three of you. Please realise your honest reply might not reunite you to the love of your life or make you fall in love with your wife, but it might at least bring you all to peace, to at least respect each other and perhaps help each other make the situation bearable at least?!?! Think over it.

Pray God helps you through this.

Originally Posted by quizas

MY FINAL RESPONSE TO YOU - YOU CAN CARRY ON, BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP RESPONDING TO SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER UNDERSTOOD A WORD I HAVE UTTERED! THIS POST ONWARDS, YOU'RE IGNORED!



Oh My God! Now you will compel me to believe, that we're of the same opinion?!?!?!? LOL. Pulkit, please stop creating a scene here!!! Don't talk just about anything only because you have to . Read MY first post (you skipped responding to!) in response to your POSTSSSS to know how "SIMILAR" our views are! Also, enough, I am repeating, I am here to discuss things with the original poster and I am not interested in disturbing this thread only because a certain person is confused!

I am telling you again, don't guide people on how to respond and on what to respond! DOn't try to moderate the thread! Like I have said, the OP and others have bothered to read and respond to my post, no matter how lengthy it is and that is what matters to me. PERIOD! I respond to a post, where I feel I can contribute and I can make a difference. I don't write here on whatsoever post I come across or I don't google and copy-paste articles, just because I have free time to kill!

Whatsoever our respective views are, you have no rights to comment on whatever I do or feel like doing on the forum, which ofcourse you have been doing since the time you wrote your first comment on this post. I will do whatever I feel like doing and you are just nobody to direct me to what I should do or what I should not. I am not interested in ruining this thread either but you compelled me to do so with your initial post.

As you said, you want to contribute to this forum and you are here to "discuss things with the original poster", do it but please try not to interfere with what others have posted ( atleast, in my case, as you did !!! ).

I am over with this discussion. Lets not get into it anymore.