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Married but in love with younger non-hindu guy and now he is marrying other girl

Hi, Im an indian hindu lady who is married for 8 years now and has a 5yr old daughter.Life was ...
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  1. #1
    divya1 is offline Just in!
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    Married but in love with younger non-hindu guy and now he is marrying other girl

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    Hi,
    Im an indian hindu lady who is married for 8 years now and has a 5yr old daughter.Life was going normal until a Muslim guy from India joined my office.He is 1 year younger to me.(Im 29 and he is 28). we became very good frnds in a short span of time and we both were so comfortable in each others company, we could speak about anything without any problems.Soon our friendship turned into love and we started seeing each other, to the extent of having physical relationship with each other. Then i had to change my job to another company, and it was very hurting not to see each other. but we were in touch almost all the time on phone and also we used to meet whenever we could. Both of us knew very well that this relationship was not going to give us a life, and we tried several times to stop the relation, but we couldnt and it continued for almost 10 months. His parents were looking for girl to get him married in India and then it was his time for one month vacation. Before he left for vacation, both of us knew that his parents might get him engaged during his vacation and even he showed me the photos which they had shortlisted for him.We deceided that we will not meet again, but we didnt stop calling each other and speaking until he was in the airport. I was missing him so badly during the one month when he was not here and we had absolutely no contacts with each other.the day he returned back, i called him twice but he did not answer keeping me wondering whether he came back or not.Then by evening, through a frnd i came to know that he is back and that he is engaged. i tried calling him and finally we spoke, he told that his parents had found a girl and he met this girl two times (once with his parents and once with his sister and family.I was broken down when he told that now things will not be like before and that he cannot speak to me anymore. he even removed my name from his friendlist in social website.i was so mad at the time that i tried calling, crying all those possible things, which made him more upset and finally i decided that i will not call him again, but couldnot control my feelings for more than a week. Almost after 3 weeks, i told him that i wanted to meet him,and speak to him.at first he refused, but then he agreed and came to my place. I cried a lot and he too cried in front of me, he said that our relation will ruin the life of many people and so we should end it.also he told that he cannot talk to me coz then he will not be able to be loyal to his fiance.that day, we sat together and discussed and finally decided that everything is over, we can call once in a while,but nothing more than a friend.
    From that day onwards, it is one month now and we hardly spoke to each other two times.both the times discussed about some business matters and never spoke anything personal, though our call lasted for almost 45mins both the time. The thing is im not able to control my feelings for him, though i know that he is moved on. Im not happy in my life with my husband and want to get a divorce, but scared of my child's future and the society. I feel like getting rid of everything and to go away somewhere and stay alone. I still have doubt whether he still loves me. Is there anyway that I can get him back and live a life with him together. Im so much in love with him that the thought of him being with someoneis kiilling me from inside.I want him back. please advise what to do.

  2. #2
    Aarish Rizvi's Avatar
    Aarish Rizvi is offline eTI Bronze
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    In your case, at first it was all mere physical attraction but gradually it developed into love and since your married life is not so stable, you are finding it hard to manage as you have no other choice left.

    Your Muslim guy, he also loves you but he is more practical and he is true that your relationship can ruin life of many people. All his acts showing that he will be a good husband as well he is caring towards his family too.

    Why don't you try to mend your married life when you are so concerned about your daughter, because she can have good life only when you both are happy with each other ( you and your husband).

    Or

    You can try last time to ask him if he can marry you and accept you with your daughter ?

    Somewhere I feel that he was never mentally devoted to you, he does love you but never as life partner.

  3. #3
    quizas is offline Just in!
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    @divya1

    I don't know why, but I suspect, the Muslim man in question is a pakistani!

    Without mincing words, I'll be straightforward and tell you, stop wasting your life!

    I do not see love anywhere in this entire situation. I can be very judgemental and can come down very harsh on you, but I won't. But believe me if you can, this man had no intentions of taking this beyond a certain point. He has had his cake and now he's got nothing to do with you.

    Also, what you have described is nothing unusual, you will be rather surprised to know that it is a very common phenomenon occuring across the globe, and especially when it comes to Muslim men involved with Non - Muslim women - married or single!

    If you need further details, go and check IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice | Islamic marriage advice and family advice, you will get endless stories where women were cheated, abused and exploited by men from Pakistan and the middle east, all in the name of love and affection. Women and young girls have been through worst and if you don't want to endure the same fate then please do whatever it takes you to erase this man out of your life, on immediate basis.

    Whatever the case, the guy's done nothing that one would expect out of a respectable person. Also, it applies to you as well. If you're not happy with your marriage, walk out of it in a respectable manner, instead of ruining and abusing someone else's life for your own selfish reasons? Children and society, really? Adultery is a bigger crime than divorce. Your children may bear your separation but not your adultery. So please stop giving excuses that make no sense at all.

    At least, please be true to yourself, if not to others.

  4. #4
    Aarish Rizvi's Avatar
    Aarish Rizvi is offline eTI Bronze
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    I don't support idea of taking religion in here. What happened to here is common phenomenon throughout the world but it should not be linked to religion. She was already suffering in her marriage, someone just of right age and at right circumstances gave her affection which turned out to be a deep relation.

    I do agree that there are chances that this man never saw her as his life-long partner but I think he does love her but being materialistic, he is going with what seems logical.

  5. #5
    quizas is offline Just in!
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    Quote Originally Posted by divya1 View Post
    Hi,
    he said that our relation will ruin the life of many people and so we should end it.also he told that he cannot talk to me coz then he will not be able to be loyal to his fiance.that day, we sat together and discussed and finally decided that everything is over, we can call once in a while,but nothing more than a friend.
    @yahoo & divya1,

    Yahoo, I beg to differ from you here when you say this guy really loved this woman. Look at his response to the lady, when she contacted him. He's talking about "ruining lives" and "He can't talk to her because he won't be able to be loyal to his fiance"!!!

    You see, he never considered the very exact points when he got involved (worst, physically) with this much married lady, with a mother of a child, to the extent that they carried on a clandestine affair for a period of more than 10 months! Didn't he think of how their irresponsible actions could have ruined lives (of the lady's child and her spouse), how he was being instrumental in the lady betraying her spouse and her child??? If the man would have really loved this lady, he would have perhaps supported her emotionally (like the "friend", he's suggester her to be!) but never encouraged her into something that had no future and instead would have landed her in lifelong grief and trouble!!!

    Please, let's not ignore the fact that this man's been guarding his life very fiercely, whereas our lady's been a little naive, or I do not know what! I am sorry, but please take care of the situation, accept the fact that you have slipped and correct it on immediate basis.

    And Yahoo, I'll strongly suggest you to just google (or check zawaj.com, islamic advice) about Muslim men (esp. from Pakistani and Middle East origin in foreign lands) who have abused Non-Muslim women and you will know what I am talking about. I am not dragging in religion, I am just talking about a certain mindset. Look at the numbers and you will know what I am talking about. I am a very secular person, but not in the mood to let that ruin someone's life. Something's can never be ignored.

  6. #6
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    Pulkit is offline eTI Aluminium
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    Hello divya1,

    Well, whatever you wrote makes me believe in the thing that your relationship with him is based on not more than just physical attachment and nothing more than that. I understand, inter-religion marriages have always been a big point of question and discussion and its not very easy for one to happen with easy and smooth.

    Coming to your case, all I can say is, your relationship with him is more inclined towards physical intimacies and contact than emotions and trust. Its true somewhere that this kind of relationship will not last longer. Moreover, the the unsatisfaction you claim to have in your present marriage with your husband is all because of this physical relationship with that guy.

    So, all in all you need to realize that you are linked to him more physically than emotionally. The emptiness that you feel in this relationship is just the considerations that you guys have for each other which I don't consider as love. So its better to end everything as soon as possible.

    Talking in regards with the guy's side, I believe whatever he said or did is all just fine. I won't say that he will leave you or dump you in future but yes, to some extend, he won't be carrying forward this relationship to much extend due to various difficulties involved. So, its good that he is being nice to you right now and is trying to stop you from getting into it deeper as he himself know that its not going to lead you both anywhere.

    Also, that now you have a family, a sweet little daughter, a good husband ( whose goodness is not visible to you, perhaps ), caring in-laws, a well-settled life, I suggest you should try to mend up things at your end than to mess them up further. Its better to end everything in one go than to continue it further and ruin not just yourself, your family but people attached to you and your so-called boyfriend.

    I hope you get your answer. Its just a matter of few week to months. Try to control your emotions and I am sure you will come out of this mess gracefully.

    Thanking You.
    Last edited by Pulkit; 05-26-2012 at 11:17 AM.
    All The Best !!!
    Take Care !!!


  7. #7
    johngray123 is offline Just in!
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    Hi Divya,

    Try to forget him and look after your family and your husband.See your child future and take a step.

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