Iam a 27 year old female working as a teacher in delhi. i am in relationship with a guy since 1 and half year. He is 29yrs, MBA. we both belong to the same caste. I met him through a matrimonial site. but my parents dont aprrove of this relationship since they say i have chosen him myself and i have betrayed their trust. even when they said no his brother about this alliance i kept contact with him. they said even if he is better than me they will not say yes since i have betrayed thrie trust. i lied to them i met him few times. his brother and uncle have tried talking to my dad but he doesn't want to talk to them. my mother doesn't like the way he looks. they want some engineer or a govt. officer. they said if i will marry him they will break all ties with me. what should i do??????

Hi isha.bhumika,


Here, there is a clash of ego between you and your parent's dignity. Honestly speaking, you have done almost everything to convince them but if someone is adamant on not following up or not agreeing with you, then there is nothing you can do.

Your parents just want that their pride or respect is intact. But ideally, they are not understanding the point that its your marriage which is lifetime thing happening once. How their pride and honor will be affected if you are married happily to a person of your choice?

Well, though it seems difficult but this is not the time to give up. Instead you should give some more time, put in some more effort to make them understand that its your life and your right to get married to a person of your choice. You could have had eloped away silently and got married to him. But you are not doing it since you love them. Moreover, they would appreciate you blaming them in future for not accepting your relationship and marrying you to someone else just to safeguard their ego and respect.

I believe, you should give some more time to it. I am positive, they will agree.

hey try to speak and convince your mother or father who ever you are close to. Also try convince someone who influence your parents decision making like elderly of the house. Hope this works for you

I think once again the clash of ego of parents hurting emotions of a happy couple here, I would like to suggest you to first of all don't give up at any cost, and secondly, you have to be very very polite in handling all these, because it is the decision of your life as Pulkit said, you can not ruin your life just because of the ego and dignity of your parents.
I can suggest you to go and calmly talk to your father, that by not making you marry your love and giving more priority to the family dignity rather than the life of their child, they are going to ruin the life of not just their child but with that they are gonna ruin 3 more lives and that of your bf, the person to whom they want you to marry and the last of the girl with whom your bf will marry, because neither you, nor your bf will be able to accept any other person in your lives except you for him and him for you. And still if he does not want to listen to it, then you have to be bit stiff in you voice while saying that whatever will happen with my life after this decision, you will definitely satisfy your EGO but you will be solely responsible for the misery I will be facing in my life and I would always hate my family for the same. Trust me nobody in this world will like to get his/her ego hurt or like to be the reason for others misery except if he/she doesn't have any feelings......don't loose hopes you will win your battle for your love....continue fighting, tell your parents that you don't want me to marry my bf no matter, then be ready to accept me through out the life and I will not marry anybody if its not by bf and will remain unmarried and sit at your house only, then decide whether making me marry to my bf will hurt your ego the most or not making me marry to my bf and making me sit throughout the life at your place be hurt you more???????

Actually u guys r rite, its the problem of ego. But now point is my parents think that i dont talk to that guy when im still in talks with him. Now my boyfriend wants that he needs some kind of surety from me that i will marry him. He says lets get married in a court without telling any body and then we will try to convince my parents. He says this will give him more confidence to talk to my parents. But i dont want to do that, i cant hide such a big thing from my parents. Now im in a fix how to start the topic again in my house as everything is peaceful now. My boyfriend's parents are also searching a girl for him, he says what should i tell them, u r not sure if u will marry me or not. Iam completely confused..............

Hii isha.bhumika,


I really don't understand why people just for the sake of avoiding heated arguments or agitated environment back off from something that's true and real ??

When you actually love him, you should accept it all the time and shouldn't feel guilty of anything. I completely understand its difficult for a girl always as you get to hear a lot from your parents but there is no point in backing off and hitting again.

Anyways, what you can now do is, handle your boyfriend first and be frank to tell him what's in your mind? I am sure, you are wise enough to not leave your parents for a guy whom you have just met and fallen for.
See, isha, I personally believe that you should not leave your parents for someone, even if you love him with all your heart. Leaving a person who actually made you capable of loving, who has been with you in all times of difficulty and happiness, who has made you what you are right now, is not a fancy idea, is it?
So, if you ask me, going for a court marriage, keeping your parents in dark is something I will not appreciate.

Instead, after all this silence, you can start things afresh. Go to your parents and talk to them. try to get into the depth of problem as much as you can and try to figure out the root cause of it. Just an scratch on your parent's ego or dignity shouldn't be the reason for them to hurt your feelings. If there i something else, they should tell it to you.

Make it a point not to involve in any heated arguments, no fasting,, no hard things, no threatening etc. Your work is to convince them and not make them work in your way at a gun point. Value their emotions too. They have also some expectations from you. Try to come down to a mutual point and end things up in a WIN-WIN situation.

Cry, plead, sit on your knees and weep, talk to your mother and make her understand cause being a lady she might understand you better.... do whatever you feel like but just convince. respect their words, be polite and assertive in your words. Don't back off. tell them that you love this certain person alot and there is nothing you can do about it.

I am sure they will understand your word. Keep pursuing !!

Cry, plead, sit on your knees and weep, talk to your mother and make her understand cause being a lady she might understand you better.... do whatever you feel like but just convince. respect their words, be polite and assertive in your words. Don't back off. tell them that you love this certain person alot and there is nothing you can do about it.

This is exactly what I would say to you. Running away and doing a court marriage and keeping parents in dark is the last thing I would suggest, infact I hate all this stuffs, if you really have courage to love someone despite of the fact that your family may oppose to your relationship, then you may also have a courage to fight for your love and to handle and make the situation a win-win for both you and your parents.
For now as Pulkit Said, try to open up the relationship proposal again to your parents start with your mother and take her in your side, this will help you alot while convincing your father, make sure you have to be very polite while having a talk to either of your parents, you may also take help from your siblings who may support you for the situation.
All a Dad wants is happiness of his child and if you stay on fighting for your life and happiness for your love, you may someday succeed with your struggle.
You have to make your parents that happiness of their child should be their first priority and the dignity and respect the second, because they might force you to marry some other guy and gain respect and dignity from the SAMAJ, but they will make themselves the biggest enemy to happiness of their own daughter by doing so, and on the top of that, their daughter would never consider them as ideal parents who look for happiness of their daughter and would continue to curse them for life for forcing their decision on you......nobody will have a courage to hear that their own daughter will hate them for their decision and would not respect them the way she does in future just because of their forceful decision..

Thanks a lot for your advice.....every day i wake up with a thought that today i will talk to my parents but i dont know some how words dont come out of my mouth. i really feel scared. I need that one push or some situation so that i can start my conversation. My boy friend says if i feel unable to speak i can send email to my parents. Actually last time he himself went to speak to them but my dad refused to talk on this matter. So now i dont know how should i start.....i know it sounds as if iam really a wimp but words are just not coming out of my mouth.

Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Thanks a lot for your advice.....every day i wake up with a thought that today i will talk to my parents but i dont know some how words dont come out of my mouth. i really feel scared. I need that one push or some situation so that i can start my conversation. My boy friend says if i feel unable to speak i can send email to my parents. Actually last time he himself went to speak to them but my dad refused to talk on this matter. So now i dont know how should i start.....i know it sounds as if iam really a wimp but words are just not coming out of my mouth.

Well, its actually not difficult. Take out sometime, which you think will be the best to initiate a talk with your father. Generally, I feel, time just after dinner at night would be the one suited best. I am saying this because, if you talk to him in the morning, you might spoil his complete mood. Anger and agony will keep him occupied the whole day as and how various thoughts will pile up. Night time is the best because you will be able to end this discussion after sometime, because obviously, it will be the time for you all to grab some sleep thereby avoiding any heated discussions for long time. Also, all through his night you will give him a chance to think about it seriously, ask to himself whether whatever he is doing is right or wrong, what his daughter expects from him, analyse the whole situation and come to a decision.

Do everything patiently. Approach your father with a problem. Tell him he is the only one whom you can only share up everything. Beg him to understand you. That's all you can do.

Ofcourse Isha, you now have only one thing to do, you have to convince you father by emotionally making him attached to the situation you are facing, ask him, whether he wants to see her daughter happy or they want to just satisfy their ego. Loving some one is not a crime, don't you love your wife and daughter?? and if loving is a crime then papa you too are a criminal to love your wife and your family. Your daughter has some expectations from you as Dad and I have always considered my father as my super hero and the closest buddy with whom I can ever share my feelings to and get support from, its now time for a friend to play his part in the friendship, think once as a friend and not as a father won't you like to help your friend to get married to a person she loves and the person she shares good understanding with, please papa just step in my shoes once and try and see what is going in my mind does a super hero ever hurt his followers???
Papa you say I have betrayed your trust by choosing a guy for me, no papa on the contrary I am trying my best to convince my dad my loving dad to give his acceptance because your daughter doesn't want to elope and marry she wants your happiness and consent to get married to the guy she loves, don't think that if a daughter has such a respect for his father and loves him such dearly, the father is doing correct by betray her trust and expectations that she have ever kept from an understanding father like you?????? Don't you think that you should forever be remain super hero for me and I should proudly tell the world he is my superhero and he is my best buddy I have ever met or should I tell the world with a shame that he is the man who respects his ego and pride more than the life of his daughter, will that satisfy your ego, just imagine what the world will say on that, it will only say you as a egoistic person and not a perfect father and trust me Dad it will more then anyone else hurt your daughter the most. I would have betrayed your trust if I would have eloped and got married without consent....but no I haven't done any such thing, because I know that my Papa loves me and will understand me and my love and would accept him with open arms....please Dad meet the guy and his parents once and talk to them and then make a decision.
And by giving consent to this marriage you will not only become more proud, but you will definitely be an example for the society of a perfect father who loves her daughter dearly........decision is yours papa whatever you choose to become more proud or to make your daughter feel the guilt and pain everytime she sees you infront of her......???????

Really thanx a lot for your valuable advice, i will try it out and i hope this time my parents understand me and everything takes a positive turn...............

Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Really thanx a lot for your valuable advice, i will try it out and i hope this time my parents understand me and everything takes a positive turn...............

Hi Isha,

Thank you for writing to us. I hope we were able to answer your query to your satisfaction. You can come to us anytime you want.

Keep Smiling !!!

Yesterday i told my parents at night that please dont luk fr ny other guy for me. I have genuinely tried forgetting him but it has not worked. Please just once for me meet him with an open and positive outluk. Iam sure u wil like him. trust me i have made a rite choice. just giv me one chance. .........and after this they started abusing me and him. my father punched and slapped me. they dint let me speak a word afetr that and kept on scolding me. they said iam jealous of my other cousins who got married before me. They said i would never be happy. Told me leave the house and marry him and they will break all ties wid me. they were annoyed of the fact that i have leaked the secret of my affair to my cousins. they said if ny 1 comes to them to persuade them they will throw them out of the house. my mother said she is like iron piller and her decision is full and final. she is not going change.

What shud be my next step???????

Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Yesterday i told my parents at night that please dont luk fr ny other guy for me. I have genuinely tried forgetting him but it has not worked. Please just once for me meet him with an open and positive outluk. Iam sure u wil like him. trust me i have made a rite choice. just giv me one chance. .........and after this they started abusing me and him. my father punched and slapped me. they dint let me speak a word afetr that and kept on scolding me. they said iam jealous of my other cousins who got married before me. They said i would never be happy. Told me leave the house and marry him and they will break all ties wid me. they were annoyed of the fact that i have leaked the secret of my affair to my cousins. they said if ny 1 comes to them to persuade them they will throw them out of the house. my mother said she is like iron piller and her decision is full and final. she is not going change.

What shud be my next step???????

Hi isha,

Frankly, you have seen their reaction. This might seem to you very unwanted, unacceptable and weird, but for me, this is actually natural. You might even see bigger things coming up in near future. If your mother can be an iron pillar, you can as well. It depends on how strong you can hold yourself.
Rest the matter here. Tell your parents you are not getting married anyway. You love to be single. Either its him or no one. Sit tight and keep mum but stick to your point. The more you push, more are the chances of you getting closer to make things happen.

Why do parents have to oppose love marriages at every cost ? But hey, what makes you believe that he loves you and is the one for you ?

Well Isha Pulkit is very correct here, parents always tend to stick around their decision and make every possible efforts to seperate you from your love, but at the end of the day whatever they fight and do, they always aim to keep their child happy and comfortable, so if your Mom says she is iron strong, I think its time for you to show that you are also a part of her and if she can be iron strong being her part you too are iron strong on your decision either to marry your love or nobody, just sit on their but as Pulkit said and tell them frankly if its not your boyfriend, then you are happy to be single and sit at home, then whatever the consequences would be for your family in the so called SOCIETY, that will all be because of you and just you for not understanding you daughter and giving your ego more importance then your daughters happiness, if this case still remains admant I will surely doubt whether you are the one who have brought me up and if yes, what was the reason for may upbringing just to make me a slave of your decision, well I have my own life and I have a right to take my own decision for my own life, I could have ran and eloped you to marry my boyfriend, but I am not a coward to do such small thing, rather I have chosen to convince you and I know being parents you will always look good for me, but the point is you are not understanding that this guy is best for me and you can not take his part away from my life at any cost, this would only be possible after my death and so if its not my boyfriend to whom you will tie knot with, then its nobody else too, be ready to face all the consequences and outcomings of your PILLAR IRON ATTITUDE and face the so called and your most loved (Even more than what love you have for your daughter) SOCIETY itself who will then oppose you at a point seeing your daughter getting older and older and still sitting at home unmarried. That is the only way now which will satisfy your Ego I think.