ARTICLE : Past relationships affecting current ones

Relationship Baggage – The Clutter Within (Clearing your past to make room for the future)

Some people spend many hours, months and even years trying to deal with their past romantic relationship baggage (internal clutter) and although some have been successful in dealing with it (healing and moving forward), others find it to be a constant in their lives. Why?

Getting to the root of your internal clutter is the most important step to identifying why you have it. Once you’ve recognized thewhy you can then deal more effectively with the how (as in how to remove it once and for all). Many of you will relate to the types of relationship baggage I’m referring to in today’s blog. I’m hoping to shed some light for those of you who may need a bit of help identifying and dealing with the emotional clutter which may be keeping you from having healthy relationships.





Most of you have dated and/or been in casual or serious relationships (maybe even a marriage or two) over the course of your lifetime. Unfortunately, not all of these relationships turned out the way you had originally hoped and either you or they broke it off. Some break-ups may have been amicable while others might have been downright nasty. Some of you might even still be involved with a person from your past in what’s commonly referred to as a “friends with benefits” situation.

Some of you have dealt with the pain of a break-up in a healthy manner (you’ve grieved, healed and moved on) while others continue to cling to feelings (good or bad) about their former partner (sometimes unconsciously). Holding onto feelings, not letting go of the negative energy and having continual contact with your previous partners can prevent you from having new healthy relationships. It’s essential to clear away the old in order to make room for the new. If you’re having problems in a current relationship it could be due to your past relationship baggage – your internal clutter.
Let’s look at some of the ways your internal clutter can affect current or future relationships:


Feelings (good or bad) surrounding one or more of your ex’s ~ What feelings are evoked when thinking about one or more of your ex’s? Sad, angry or maybe even wistful? These feelings are a good indicator that you haven’t allowed yourself to grieve properly and fully heal before moving on. If you spend a fair amount of time thinking about an ex and you’re currently in a relationship with someone else (or planning to) then I’m willing to bet you’re having problems in your current relationship. This clutter can and will affect any relationship you have with a current or future partner.


Keeping mementos from previous relationships ~ Have you kept his favourite sweater, her favourite CD or a collection of pictures of the two of you together? It’s not uncommon to tuck away a few small items (notes, letters, cards etc) in a “memory” box. You know they’re there but you never really pay them any mind (in fact, you may have forgotten they’re at the back of your closet). There’s a difference between someone who doesn’t think about what’s at the back of their closet in that box and someone who keeps these mementos within plain view or easy reach. Think about the items you have from your past relationships. Where are they? You may try to justify to yourself why you still have these items but can you honestly justify this form of “clutter” to your current or future partner?


Keeping things “alive” through technology ~ You’ve thrown away (or have tucked away) the physical remnants of your previous relationships but you’re keeping in touch with your ex’s, casual flings or “friends with benefits” through social media (Facebook, MySpace, text messaging, BBM etc). Your current partner isn’t happy about this (and in some cases may not even be aware of it). You may think there’s no harm in what you’re doing but having the ability to easily view what these people are doing each day, who they’re with and where they go, is preventing you from focussing all your attention to what and who you should be focussing on. Spending emotional energy and time by “peeking” into your past can be quite damaging. Every second you spend conversing or thinking about someone else other than your partner is time you should be committing to your current partner. Emotional betrayal is one of the leading causes of strife and break-ups.

What are you willing to do to make sure your current and future relationships are healthy? Here’s something to think about: There is a remarkable difference between a commitment of 99% and 100%. At 100%, you are seeing your problems all the way through to their solutions. At 99% we can still find a way to take the path of least resistance.....and usually do.

Holding onto feelings, negative energy and keeping in touch with people from your past (aka “backburners”) creates “internal” clutter and unless/until you clear it away and create space it will prevent you from having healthy and committed relationships now and in the future. Isn’t it time you started clearing away this type of clutter in order to have the type of relationship you SAY you want (but never seem to have)?


Here are a few suggestions to help you clear away your past relationship clutter:


Consider keeping only a few small items from your previous relationship (if you wish) and throw away the rest. You can return certain items to their rightful owner especially if the relationship ended amicably but do so only if you aren’t looking for an excuse to make contact with them again (knowing they don’t want the items).


Un-friend your ex’s (including casual flings) and friends with “benefits” from your social networks and remove their numbers from your cell phone. You may want to send them a brief note as to why you are removing them. Most will respect your decision and will wish you well. Others may become upset. Either way, keep in mind why you’re removing them and how much free space you’re creating for your current or future partner.

Now that you’ve identified why your emotional baggage and negative energy was there to begin with (and the impact it was having on your relationships) you can now start dealing with how to rid yourself of it once and for all. Be honest about any past negative behaviour and start setting personal boundaries for yourself in order to avoid negative energy and emotional clutter from creeping back into your life. Take responsibility for your actions, attitudes and behaviour. Resolve to set the stage and clear the way for a healthy relationship with your current or future partner.



In closing I’d like to leave you with a famous quote about letting go:
There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.