Break up after 2 months of live-in status and 4 years long relationship

Hi,
we have been in a 4 years long relationship, where we were always in a long distance relationship. Two months back i shifted to his city after our engagement as started living in with him. As my company didn't have an office in his city, they allowed me to work form home. He is separated since last 5 years but still not divorced as the divorce case is going out in the court. He has a 5-6 years old daughter who stays with his ex-wife. I have been with him through his toughest times-after he had moved out of his marriage, there were some court cases against him, when he was in a mental turmoil- i was always there. In the last 1.5 years there were some mis-understandings between us as i couldn't give hi much time due to my work and he started to distrust me. I dint take the matter of distrust too seriously as our relationship was like that of true soul mates, but the matter from his side was very serious. He says 'there was not a single second he didn't dis-trust me. so we used to fight, argue, swear etc and things went messy. he decided to break-up and i convinced him to stay on that ill take care of everything and make things work-this was in March this year. then we got engaged and i moved in. But due to my work from home, marriage issue and other adjustment problems i couldn't be my best-my volume went high while arguing(which he read as yelling and insulting), i once pushed him in argument, due to my adjustment problems i was not dressed up when he wold come back from work. He fells i am not 'giving' in the relationship.
He too had his problems, in the early days of our relationship- i had forgiven him for a one night stand. After my moving in with him i felt he doesn't care small things for me(i could be wrong also). in nut shell he feels i don't resp0ct him. he says he loves me a lot but we cant get married.
i have done everything to save this relationship..i have nothing more i can do. Please advise what should i do..move on..i am 33 in age.

I will just say that end this relationship at once. His action shows that he don't want relations to continue , moreover, he has no faith over you which is actually a building block of relationship.

Hello moorvi,

Well, the person who are talking about has a very confusing personality. He got married to someone... has a 5 year old daughter...then he separated from his wife and daughter and still working on his divorce...meanwhile he got engaged to you....and even when he is in a relationship with you, he had a one night stand with someone else...and now he says he loves you but he can't get married to you.

Now, you explain me after analyzing every thing I wrote above, is he worth trusting?? Is he a person who can guarantee you that he will love you for his whole life?? Is he a person who can be counted upon for anything?? What was the need for him to involve in a one night stand with someone when he was in a relationship with you ?? Moreover, what was the point in getting into a relationship with you when he was already married ??

So, what I feel is this person is really confused in what he wants from his life and he hardly gets himself emotionally involved in his relationships. I don't feel so there is any point which can help me build my trust on him. I am pretty sure, this relationship will not work out and it, sooner or later, will be broken. So, if you love yourself and care for you OWN life, I seriously advice you to end this relationship right away as I dont see any future with it.




Just in case, if you do not agree with me telling you to end this relationship, you can actually give him sometime to re-think, re-calculate, revise and decide onto things that he wants from his life. May be then, he will be able to promise you a concrete relationship and beautiful future.
So, give this relationship and especially him, some time so that he can organize things for him and prepare himself mentally for what life has next in store for him. Let him first wind up with his divorce first and then may be you both can work on your relationship to make it happening.

Also, why he got divorced, what reason he told you ?

hi
plz i would advise u to end it for ones ,because he can't give u a healthy, good, secure, happy relationship . he is very much confused in his life or he is not satisfied by one women , may be he likes variety in life
a women can accept a bad husband but not a bad father , by this u can assume what kind of person he is , he is not at all responsible towards his child , If u continue with him u will also have to face the same suitation earlier or later , sorry if i am hurting u plz i would only advise u to move on , ur age has nothing to do with this , u r a very good , caring, loving girl and believe me someone somewhere very special is made for u , he don't deserve u actually

Hi bilqis, Pulkit and yahoo,
thank you so much for your responses and advise. In the lat 4 years i have known him very well and he is a good guy and not that kind who shuns away from responsibilities. His reason for divorce, which i know for sure was a very big and complicated one. His wife was at fault, i don't say he wasn't at all but what his wife did was unpardonable, his misbehaved and ill treated his parents and him and even went to the extend of filing false cases against him. Our families have met after we decided to get marriage and i have spoken with each of his family member separately just to be sure what was the actual cause and his friend also..so i will not say he is a kind of guy who wants variety in life. About responsibilities- he had wanted to take full responsibility of his daughter but obviously his wife didn't let him do that.
i know for sure that he loved me a lot as i have seen it all but now he does or not i am not sure.
The problem is that he is a very very sensitive man, which he become after all the false cases and divorce as he loved his wife and daughter a lot but things went too bad for them.
While arguing if i raise my voice he feels offended, he never raises his also. once i pushed him in a fight and he cities it as physical abuse, his sensitivities are too high. He says that i am ready to again go through a broken marriage so its better that now (after live-in) that we know we are different i will not marry.
Believe you me it was a wonderful relationship that we shared, we thought we are soul mates (now i feel does that term exists) but things just went wrong and kept on going wrong. His another problem is he doesn't share issues that he feel are wrong, he keeps on piling them inside him and one day he blasts.
So i know for sure-he is a great guy, loving, ready to take all responsibilities and also not that kind who wants variety in life. But the problem is he is very stubborn and sensitive so now when he has decided, he is not ready to move away from his decision.
I know its time to say 'Goodbye' but its very very difficult. Its very painful to see such a beautiful relationship end like this..but i cant do anything now. I had asked him to think, re-think but he says he has taken a very thoughtful decision. Even his family (who are broken coz of the last marriage)aren't too supportive of us after all the issues we had.
So, thank you guys i know what you all are saying that i should end this-for myself. and i will try to do that only..thanks again

Hello moorvi,

The point that you didnt tell us the complete thing was the reason for us to advice you like this. Now since you have detailed us bit more, things are clear. See, you very well understand, he is going through a very difficult phase in his life and he needs your support. So, it is the time when you should be with him, help him out in almost every little thing of his, love him ,care for him to the fullest you can and most importantly, avoid fighting over pretty issues.

Understand he is a very sensitive man and the time he is going through is very difficult, so he gets frustrated on little things..looses his temper soon. Right now you need to control your emotions and anger and agree to whatever little things he says you to do. Give him a chance to build his lost trust in you, give him a chance to feel that he is not alone and the whole world is not going away from him, give him a chance to believe in you that in the utmost difficult phase of his life, you were there.

So, take things seriously and dont give him a chance to even think of another break up with you as this will affect his mind alot. Give sometime to your relationship, to your partner and your respective lives. Wait till things settle down in his life and his life gets back on the track and afterwards you both can sit together and talk on this issue.

Let me tell you, right now he needs not a girlfriend, but a best buddy. Even if he says, he wants to have a break up from you, just stay cool and tell him that yes, you will give him the break up but still you would love to be his friend. Even if the relationship doesn't work out in the future (which, ofcourse none of us know), you should, right now, be his support, a person whom he can count on.

So, lower down your expectations from this relationship. Its time when you need to put in the best of your efforts without thinking of its outcome. He is pissed off with his life and anything going against his wish would definitely irritate him and thats why he is behaving like this. Fights over pretty issues, brawling over each other, blaming each other for no good reason, is actually forcing him to believe that things with you are not going to work out in future. You have to proof this wrong else you both might end up badly.

have faith in you, a little faith in God and a little faith in your destiny. Think wisely and things will be fine. Okay ??

Hi Moorvi,

as per what you have written, you were well aware of his past. Since he has distrusted you, are you sure he did not distrust his wife too??
Have there been similar incidences of misbehaviour in the past too b/w you two. What was his take then? I am sure, if there were, and you are with him at present, he must have ignored it or forgiven you, if i can call it that.
You said you "physically pushed" him out of frustration-- What would you have done had he not been in front of you?? Do you in the heart of heart know that he has a propensity to this abuse (infering from what you said-- his wife used to misbehave with him) and will take it? What was his reaction when you pushed him?? Did he hit back, was shocked, screamed at you etc or was he just silent?
What does he tell you when he talks about parting away-- does he say "get out or " i ll/ am leave/ leaving you", leave the house etc or tries to talk sensibly (as per him, as per you he is talking crap, :-)). How do you react when he says these things about parting-- are you in control or you lose it-- out of frustration.
Do you want to work it out cause you want to prove something to yourself ( as you say he has decided), are you feeling rejected or you really want to spend your life with him? You have mentioned that he is exteremely sensitive, so, dont you think you ll be walking on egg-shells all your life, are you ready? I can imagine what sort of cases his wife must have filed against him, are you sure he ll ever be able to come out of the dent? Or you are thinking that your "LOVE" will take care of it? I totally appreciate your trying to sort it out, but i think your guy is very scared. He has not been able to take these things. Please try to think that your misbehaviour (raising of voice, pushing etc) could have reminded him of the older days when his wife used to misbehave with him. He could be thinking you guys are just living in, what would happen post marriage!!.
And do you think he has become vindictive? Do you think he is trying to avenge from you for the experience he had his with his wife?
And do you think there is another girl in his life?
How did you come to know that he has had a one night stand-- from a common frined, that girl told you or it was he himself? was he ok about it saying many people do it, or he was sorry about it, really sorry? ANd when was that one night stand--

1. when he was with his wife, happy?
2. when he was b/w you and his wife?
3. When he was with you and with the legal cases you mentioned, i mean the initial days?

And if he knows that you know about it, i sincerely hope you dont bring it up during your fights.

Somebody spoke about his readiness to take responsibilities and you confirmed it, but it was from the past when he would have been ready to take care of his daughter. But whats the status now? Does he still think of his daughter or has lost hope on that and forgotten her? and whats your take on that?

I am sorry Moorvi, you must have come here for suggestions and i have loaded you with questions. The idea is to make you think. And that i dont want to jump the gun.

Thanks.
POM

Thanks Pulkit!
You are saying i should take the break-up positively, but i will have to move from my present city again if i do that as i told you guys that my company does not have an office here. And i have been trying to change my job since the time i shifted, but may be due to bad market scenario no jobs available. i will have to move back and when i do that i don't know who will i keep in contact with him as he is very stubborn-might change his numbers, home etc. Yes, i can stay back in the same city but how??
i am all confused..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by PeaceOfMind

Hi Moorvi, <br> <br>
as per what you have written, you were well aware of his past. Since he has distrusted you, are you sure he did not distrust his wife too??<br>
Have there been similar incidences of misbehaviour in the past too b/w you two. What was his take then? I am sure, if there were, and you are with him at present, he must have ignored it or forgiven you, if i can call it that.<br>
You said you "physically pushed" him out of frustration-- What would you have done had he not been in front of you?? Do you in the heart of heart know that he has a propensity to this abuse (infering from what you said-- his wife used to misbehave with him) and will take it? What was his reaction when you pushed him?? Did he hit back, was shocked, screamed at you etc or was he just silent?<br>
What does he tell you when he talks about parting away-- does he say "get out or " i ll/ am leave/ leaving you", leave the house etc or tries to talk sensibly (as per him, as per you he is talking crap, :-)). How do you react when he says these things about parting-- are you in control or you lose it-- out of frustration.<br>
Do you want to work it out cause you want to prove something to yourself ( as you say he has decided), are you feeling rejected or you really want to spend your life with him? You have mentioned that he is exteremely sensitive, so, dont you think you ll be walking on egg-shells all your life, are you ready? I can imagine what sort of cases his wife must have filed against him, are you sure he ll ever be able to come out of the dent? Or you are thinking that your "LOVE" will take care of it? I totally appreciate your trying to sort it out, but i think your guy is very scared. He has not been able to take these things. Please try to think that your misbehaviour (raising of voice, pushing etc) could have reminded him of the older days when his wife used to misbehave with him. He could be thinking you guys are just living in, what would happen post marriage!!.<br>
And do you think he has become vindictive? Do you think he is trying to avenge from you for the experience he had his with his wife?<br>
And do you think there is another girl in his life?<br>
How did you come to know that he has had a one night stand-- from a common frined, that girl told you or it was he himself? was he ok about it saying many people do it, or he was sorry about it, really sorry? ANd when was that one night stand--<br> <br>
1. when he was with his wife, happy?<br>
2. when he was b/w you and his wife?<br>
3. When he was with you and with the legal cases you mentioned, i mean the initial days?<br> <br>
And if he knows that you know about it, i sincerely hope you dont bring it up during your fights.<br> <br>
Somebody spoke about his readiness to take responsibilities and you confirmed it, but it was from the past when he would have been ready to take care of his daughter. But whats the status now? Does he still think of his daughter or has lost hope on that and forgotten her? and whats your take on that?<br> <br>
I am sorry Moorvi, you must have come here for suggestions and i have loaded you with questions. The idea is to make you think. And that i dont want to jump the gun. <br> <br>
Thanks.<br>
POM

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<br><br>Hi POM,<br><br>I don't know whether he distrusted his wife or not, but as much as he has told me he didn't. There was no distrust between him and me also for the initial 1.5 years, God knows what made him feel like that. He says that feeling has gone now and there is not sign of distrust (as far as other men or lying etc are&nbsp;concerned)&nbsp;<br>No&nbsp;there&nbsp;ha ve never been any&nbsp;similar&nbsp;incidents of mis-behavior&nbsp;between two of us, but yes when he distrusted me -i used to get very annoyed and frustrated that after giving in so much to this relationship, what am i getting back. We did shout at each other on the&nbsp;phone&nbsp;and called names. But never pushing etc. We both&nbsp;forgave&nbsp;each for those days.<br>He was silent when i pushed him, i am not sure if he related it to how his wife behaved with him.&nbsp;<br>When he said lets part- he said that very coldly and easily-as if i never mattered to him. I spoke to him, gave him reasons why we&nbsp;shouldn't part, accepted my mistakes,&nbsp;apologized&nbsp;for them..but nothing worked and was&nbsp;stubborn&nbsp; He says himself that i am a horse, one i sit u cant make me stand. So what ever i said , did,&nbsp;didn't&nbsp;make him rethink even once. i fought also, cried also,&nbsp;spoke&nbsp;to him politely and silently also but he is absolutely cold about us.<br>i really want to spend my life with him, as i know how good he was..these2-3 years have made him like what he is today, else when i had first met him-he was a very different guy. we bonded like made for each other. I have seen all that and i am sure i can&nbsp;help&nbsp;him get out of his problems and help him to be what he was.<br>Yes, he exactly thinks- what will happen post marriage but for me i moved in only thinking that we have got married. So i am as i am, not waiting for marriage to happen and then &nbsp;show my colors.No i don't think like that and&nbsp;that's&nbsp;what i tell him..we are more than married-our families have met..we keep visiting each others families..all our friends know so we are virtually married but for him may be it was more of a experimenting time, as it looks now. When i&nbsp;moved&nbsp;in it didn't look like that but when instead of solving the issues he is&nbsp;looking&nbsp;t break-up i feel he never took us seriously and thought if it works out good else lets part. But i don't think like that, never did.<br>Vindictive- can be, not sure.<br>Another girl- No<br>One night stand- he told me abt it and was were ashamed. Nothing got repeated again, it was during our initial years, however he told me about it after an year when it happened.<br>He is still ready to take&nbsp;responsibility&nbsp;of his daughter. He talks to her everyday almost, infact he talks to his wife also abt the&nbsp;daughter&nbsp;in front of me. He visits her (for the daughter) every 2-3 months and keeps sending her gifts etc. I was&nbsp;always&nbsp;ok with it and told him this also that if we get the &nbsp;custody of the daughter, i am even ready to not have our own child so that she&nbsp;doesn't&nbsp;feel step=motherly.<br><br>So, POM, i have told u all but i feel nothing is left for me except to MOVE OUT as he is very stubborn on it and i&nbsp;don't&nbsp;want to fall in my eyes by still trying to stay back. And they say i have&nbsp;done&nbsp;everything-beg, borrow, steal but nothing has made him change his decision.&nbsp;<br><br>

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moorvi

Thanks Pulkit!
You are saying i should take the break-up positively, but i will have to move from my present city again if i do that as i told you guys that my company does not have an office here. And i have been trying to change my job since the time i shifted, but may be due to bad market scenario no jobs available. i will have to move back and when i do that i don't know who will i keep in contact with him as he is very stubborn-might change his numbers, home etc. Yes, i can stay back in the same city but how??
i am all confused..

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Hello moorvi,

No I am not saying you to break up. I am just asking you to give him an assurance that if, he has troubles in his life because of you, if he is tensed because of you..... then.... you will go away from him when he wants you to do that. But, still break up doesn't mean that you guys cannot be good friends. Tell him that even if he wants to break up with you, you would still like to be with him AS A FRIEND atleast for the time period his divorce from his ex-wife ends and he is out of his mental agony.

Just tell him that you won't interfere in his life, you won't behave as a girlfriend, you won't fight with him over small issues, you won't become a reason for him to feel sad and distressed and will move away from him when he wants, but just because you love him and you can't leave him, he should allow you to be his friend and he should share his feelings, thoughts, ideas, problems just like friends do.

I want you to become his friend now and stop behaving like a girlfriend. Just give him an assurance that he is free mentally from your side and that you are no more a RESPONSIBILITY for him. Try to understand, right now he needs some mental peace and some time so that he can re-organize his life and think of starting things afresh.

Let him come out of his past completely. He is still not completely out of his past relationship and his heartbreak and you are trying to enter in his life. This is somewhere creating an imbalance in his mind. Give him sometime to settle up things for himself and then you both can sit and talk over the matter as to where do you both want to take this relationship.

Try to be his friend for time being and give him some time to relax and think about his life and future. When things settle down, you can talk to him over this matter. Till then be supportive and encouraging just like friends.

Hi Pulkit,
You know what you say is true but it isn't easy to do it. I tried but just in a day failed. The biggest drawback in my trying to do anything is that i have to move back to my old city, so distance will not let me do anything. Now he says give me some time-3 months and if i feel i have taken a wrong decision i will come back to u on my knees. He says he will come to the city i am in..i don't have to shift, but this seems all too good to be true. I know him- he may be saying all this so that i go away without too much fuss because i have rarely seen him accepting that he could have been wrong and on top of that realizing that he loves me so much that he shifts his city is practically impossible to digest as he hates the city i will move back to. Have you ever in the times you have been running this forum, heard anyone go back after 3 months saying he/she was wrong, when today he is so very sure that he is right. I feel awkward talking all this but i feel so helpless, i love him so much and want to be with him. We are still staying together, he kisses me while walking around, dances with me, we laugh,go out together..but he says thats just to make me feel comfortable till I leave. Everything is ok-why does he still hugs me, kisses me and cuddle me while sleeping. We haven't told our families about the break-up, we have said i am moving back because of professional reasons and some small issues between us. Only his and my sisters know the truth. I even told him, when you are so sure of break-up, lets tell everyone, I don't feel you will come back to me after 2-3 months or whatever time you require to think, he says why are u in so much hurry. I told him as decided earlier i want to celebrate diwali with ur family- he says u can do that but with no strings attached. Now what should i think on one side he says why am i in a hurry to tell about our break up and on other side he says 'no strings attached' for a function that is almost 1.5 months away. Will he have not decided by then?? Am i thinking too much?? Can he say something just to make me go away quietly..Pulkit- what do you feel, where is all this heading. I am actually gone insane thinking about only all this all the time. I will await your revert