I have strong feelings for my ex girlfriend whom I wanted to marry

I wanted to marry the love of my life from college, but it didn't happen due to my parents opposing it and me being in USA at the wrong time. I moved on and got married and have 2 kids, but could never really love my wife. I have been thinking about my gf almost every day.

Still I have been a good husband and relatively stable in my marriage and having some fun. 10 years into my marriage, my wife cheats on me with my own brother and this pretty much took what ever had for my wife out of my heart. Now I am hating my wife and staying married just for the kids. My love and longing for my gf has gotten very strong now and almost feel like I want to go meet her and be with her. We never really broke up, we had a lot of feelings for each other and didn't really closeout our relationship. I feel miserable with my wife.

Should I try contacting my gf? I haven't been in touch with her for more than 15yrs now, but my love for her stronger than ever. I feel like I cannot be happy until I meet her and be with her. Would appreciate any input(s)

That is really a hard situation for you. You were already compromising and then your wife cheated , that broke the balance you were maintaining. If you decide to with your EX then you will have to think about few things, ..
Your children, you said your married life is only for them
Condition of your EX, may be by now she must have adjusted herself, happy with her life, I am sure she still loves you but if you will suddenly broke into her life and with your sad situation, it will impact her life too. Most probably you may give trouble to her.

You have to decide ... your own preference or her happiness.. and your kids !

Hello kkamalesh,

Its a real rotten phase you are going through. Infidelity in any relationship is harming and you are the latest victim of this.
I would like to answer your question in 2 different parts.

The first part deals with you and your ex-girlfriend. As you told, its been 15 years since you both are in touch of any sort so whatever " asaam " said is quite justified here. There is a finite possibility that your ex-girlfriend must have settled in life by now. She must have a family, perhaps, one or two kids, her husband, in-laws etc. and she must have forgotten you and broken all the strings attached. So, honestly speaking, I won't ever advice you to contact her, get in her settled life again and obviously ruin it.
Your one single step in that direction will put not just you and her in trouble but also would affect many others attached either to you or to her. Moreover the question that where were you all these 15 years and why have you come now will make it more difficult for you to stand honest and true.
So its better to stay away from her and let her live her life. I am pretty sure, if you ever loved her truly, you would always love to see her happy and settled. I hope you understand the gravity of consequences.

Well, coming to second part of your answer which deals with you and your wife. As I said, infidelity in any relationship is harming and you being its latest victim. All you could do is instead of hating your wife, you can try to mend up things with her.

Don't forget, though you were married to her, you were not completely with her. For almost 15 years of your marriage, you admit that you were still in love with your ex-girlfriend ( though, you were not in contact ).


See the problem of infidelity is quite simple. You were not completely attached with your wife for almost 10 years of your marriage which eventually lead her to find that missing love in your brother.
I am sorry to say but what I feel is, somewhere you were the culprit and somewhere you, yourself has contributed to this mess in your life.

So, its better to mend things up, start a new beginning and now try to forget your past. Realize your present, your duties, your responsibilities and also try to understand there is no strings attached between you and your ex-girlfriend which is evident from the fact that she never ever tried to contact you or be just friends with you in past 15 years.

Talk to your wife regarding whatever happened with you. Promise her to love for the rest of your life. Promise her to fulfill her missing space, missing love and promise her that you will never let your past come in your present relationship ever again.

I wish both of you luck !!

All the Best !!
Take Care !!!

Good points Pulkit. I didn't contact my ex gf just for that, just to make sure I don't interfere. I am just curious to know how are things going with her? What if she is miserable in her life also? What if she is still missing me? I don't want to mess anything up if everything is going fine with her, but if she is miserable as I am, then I want to do something about it. It is better to be late than never isn't it?

As far as my wife, I agree with you that I haven't been close to her or in love. It is going to be twice as hard to develop any feelings for her now and I really don't see that happening. But I'll have to do something so that my kids have stability and direction.

Hi kkamalesh,

See the things are clear in your girlfriend's case. Had she been in love with you, had she been missing you, she would have contacted you in these 15years, but she didn't, which makes it quite obvious that she has no feelings for you.
Now, just by running away from the present situation you are in and not allowing yourself to accept the fact that your ex-girlfriend has no feelings for you, you are creating troubles for yourself.

Instead you should talk to your wife over this. Mutual talking and understanding can solve 95% of problems in the world...so why don't you try. Tell her about your past, accept your guilt and promise her that you will not let this happen for the rest of your life. Tell her this is what you also accept from her somewhere that she should be a decent and good wife.

I understand, you are curious about your ex-girlfriend and her present life, but let me tell you seriously, if you try to get into her life even if you think you won't be messing up things..let me tell you it wont be easy. Consider the point, when there is nothing right now, you are so curious about her. What do you think, if you meet her, wont it be any difficult for you to separate again ?? Sir, it will be and which eventually would lead to various complications in your life and ofcourse her's.

Moreover, by now she must have learned to live without you and hence I don't think so even if she is in any mess, she would be needing your support. She is quite mature and understanding to handle her own affairs all by herself. So, my honest advice says, you should keep upto yourself atleast now.


The things you are talking about is somewhere totally impractical and philosophical. Sir, kindly get practical and understand, you have kids, their responsibilities with you. I dont think so you would appreciate them blaming you when they grow up for taking this step. Its better to mend things up with your wife..afterall you guys are mend to be together.



When you were not loyal to her 100% for 15years, there was no problem, no complaining. But when she cheated on you, you hate her and ready to leave her. Come on Sir, tell me is that justified ??? Obviously, not. She did the same thing what you did with her for past 15 years but she never complained. So, I feel you should try to compromise on things and both of you should try to forget what happened...and start afresh.



Don't loose hope... start things afresh. Its always better to give things a new beginning rather than ending them up.

All The Best !!!
Take Care !!

Wow
That is pretty good discussion, everything is already said here. Mr. Pulkit you are very expert in relationship matters.

@Pulkit

First of all, why is it assumed that the ONUS to communicate or revive the communication was on the EX and not the OP, who initiated the break-up?

We need to understand the fact, that the Ex-gf perhaps never attempted to make any contacts, since the OP was the first person to leave or break-up. He was the one to initiate the break-up and hence to move on, giving a clear signal to the ex, that it's over between them. The OP never left her a reason to keep in touch with him or even revive the communication. The ex perhaps was a very matured person, to even think in terms of having anything to do with a married man, even though he meant the world to her!

Also, has the OP, ever apologised to the EX?!?! If not, what on earth is he thinking when he expects the JILTED EX to communicate, when he's clearly left her no reason? The Ex's already been hurt once, only a fool or a person with no self respect will stoop down to such a level!

Pulkit, yes you have talked about how the OP needs to "be practical, be reasonable", and I am sure, the OP was given the same reasons like be practical, be reasonable, think of responsibilities towards your parents, family, society, whatsoever, etc when he was "coaxed" into leaving the love of his life and marrying a woman, he claims to have never loved and who eventually strayed!!! And now like we see, all of the reasonable and practical approach didn't help one bit! A lie, afterall is a lie! No matter what the reason / excuse, the OP's decision has boomranged! You see, karma catches up with everyone of us, even before we realise it!

Also, I believe, it's more important to be honest to oneself than to others! It only makes life easier and bearable, at least, we don't end up hurting others! Truth might be bitter but swallowable BUT lies only damage and that too irreversibly!

@Kamalesh,

Kamalesh, do you realise, in your penchant / "enthusiasm" (for lack of better word) to be the "ideal" MAN, you have made "convenient" choices in life which eventually ended up hurting endless people in a row?!?!

15 years back, playing the IDEAL SON, you fell for the "be reasonable, be practical" bit, left someone you loved, went ahead to marry someone else, irrespective of what miseries the ex might have to endure!!

What happens next is, you continue a marriage with a woman you never claimed to have loved for 15 long years and also have children with her. Irrespective of what the wife feels, but again, to the world you never cease to be the IDEAL PERFECT FAMILY MAN!!

And now after coming to terms with your spouse's infidelity, you're very keen and restless to get back in touch with the EX you left behind. Why? Perhaps, now because you have a VERY STRONG excuse to tell the world, that it's not you who's strayed but your wife! Again, to the world, you're the ideal man, who got the raw deal!

I mean, what?!?! One after the other, you do whatever seems convenient to you, whatever seems in sync with your "Perfect" MAN identity only to create more problems for people who don't deserve it in the first place!

If you really think, that you and everyone else around you deserves a second chance to life and to love, then first of all, please come out clean!

You have already lived a LIE for years together, and put two women and also your children in situations they perhaps never deserved to be in the first place. The fact that your wife tried finding love or whatever missing element in her life, out of your marriage, implies the fact, that she has not failed to notice the lie you continued living with her!

The fact is, if you and your wife are not happy together, then please set each other free of this fake relationship, which is only promoting promiscuity. Irrespective of the fact, that whether your ex wants to get back with you or not, first of all you need to sort out the mess at your end. Forget the ex, for a moment, it's time, you resolve the unfortunate situations you have created. Even if it means, mutual divorce. A healthy separation is way better then breeding hatred by living together under the same roof. Who knows, perhaps, even your wife feels smothered in her marriage with you?!?!

And if that's the case, then please set her free! Also, have you ever apologised to the woman you claimed to have loved? Please do that, she at least deserves that out of you! You could never give affection to these women, at least try and restore the faith / respect they had for you!

As for the children, please don't use them as an excuse to continue doing what you had done 15 years back! OUr children are way smart and way understanding than what we often think of them. If you wife's noticed things, then am sure your children are wise enough to understand things as well. The best thing is to speak to your wife in complete honesty, I am more than sure, she's a lot to share as well. And last but not the least, please for once speak your mind, and be the person you really are! Stop being fake and stop being someone else to please others! I don't need to tell you, it's not helping anybody!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sweetie

Wow
That is pretty good discussion, everything is already said here. Mr. Pulkit you are very expert in relationship matters.

---

Thank You Sweetie. That was really sweet of you, just like your name. I am surprised that you read the whole discussion but anyways thank you. I really acknowledge.

Take Care !!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by quizas

@Pulkit

First of all, why is it assumed that the ONUS to communicate or revive the communication was on the EX and not the OP, who initiated the break-up?

We need to understand the fact, that the Ex-gf perhaps never attempted to make any contacts, since the OP was the first person to leave or break-up. He was the one to initiate the break-up and hence to move on, giving a clear signal to the ex, that it's over between them. The OP never left her a reason to keep in touch with him or even revive the communication. The ex perhaps was a very matured person, to even think in terms of having anything to do with a married man, even though he meant the world to her!

Also, has the OP, ever apologised to the EX?!?! If not, what on earth is he thinking when he expects the JILTED EX to communicate, when he's clearly left her no reason? The Ex's already been hurt once, only a fool or a person with no self respect will stoop down to such a level!

Pulkit, yes you have talked about how the OP needs to "be practical, be reasonable", and I am sure, the OP was given the same reasons like be practical, be reasonable, think of responsibilities towards your parents, family, society, whatsoever, etc when he was "coaxed" into leaving the love of his life and marrying a woman, he claims to have never loved and who eventually strayed!!! And now like we see, all of the reasonable and practical approach didn't help one bit! A lie, afterall is a lie! No matter what the reason / excuse, the OP's decision has boomranged! You see, karma catches up with everyone of us, even before we realise it!

Also, I believe, it's more important to be honest to oneself than to others! It only makes life easier and bearable, at least, we don't end up hurting others! Truth might be bitter but swallowable BUT lies only damage and that too irreversibly!

@Kamalesh,

Kamalesh, do you realise, in your penchant / "enthusiasm" (for lack of better word) to be the "ideal" MAN, you have made "convenient" choices in life which eventually ended up hurting endless people in a row?!?!

15 years back, playing the IDEAL SON, you fell for the "be reasonable, be practical" bit, left someone you loved, went ahead to marry someone else, irrespective of what miseries the ex might have to endure!!

What happens next is, you continue a marriage with a woman you never claimed to have loved for 15 long years and also have children with her. Irrespective of what the wife feels, but again, to the world you never cease to be the IDEAL PERFECT FAMILY MAN!!

And now after coming to terms with your spouse's infidelity, you're very keen and restless to get back in touch with the EX you left behind. Why? Perhaps, now because you have a VERY STRONG excuse to tell the world, that it's not you who's strayed but your wife! Again, to the world, you're the ideal man, who got the raw deal!

I mean, what?!?! One after the other, you do whatever seems convenient to you, whatever seems in sync with your "Perfect" MAN identity only to create more problems for people who don't deserve it in the first place!

If you really think, that you and everyone else around you deserves a second chance to life and to love, then first of all, please come out clean!

You have already lived a LIE for years together, and put two women and also your children in situations they perhaps never deserved to be in the first place. The fact that your wife tried finding love or whatever missing element in her life, out of your marriage, implies the fact, that she has not failed to notice the lie you continued living with her!

The fact is, if you and your wife are not happy together, then please set each other free of this fake relationship, which is only promoting promiscuity. Irrespective of the fact, that whether your ex wants to get back with you or not, first of all you need to sort out the mess at your end. Forget the ex, for a moment, it's time, you resolve the unfortunate situations you have created. Even if it means, mutual divorce. A healthy separation is way better then breeding hatred by living together under the same roof. Who knows, perhaps, even your wife feels smothered in her marriage with you?!?!

And if that's the case, then please set her free! Also, have you ever apologised to the woman you claimed to have loved? Please do that, she at least deserves that out of you! You could never give affection to these women, at least try and restore the faith / respect they had for you!

As for the children, please don't use them as an excuse to continue doing what you had done 15 years back! OUr children are way smart and way understanding than what we often think of them. If you wife's noticed things, then am sure your children are wise enough to understand things as well. The best thing is to speak to your wife in complete honesty, I am more than sure, she's a lot to share as well. And last but not the least, please for once speak your mind, and be the person you really are! Stop being fake and stop being someone else to please others! I don't need to tell you, it's not helping anybody!

---

Hello quizas, I am not getting what you said. What is this " ONUS " and " OP " . All I can say is thanks for commenting and thank you for reading the whole post. I don't want to comment on it further. I have advised kkamalesh the best I could do and rest is all upto him.

Thank You so much !!!

Hey Quizas,
I think you have accused me without knowing exactly how I broke up with my gf. She broke up and not me. I was ready to do anything to marry her, but she wanted my parents to accept us before we could get married. Also, I did convince my dad to talk to her dad. Things were looking a bit fine, but then my sister wrote a nasty letter to my gf accusing her of she being in love only because I was in USA and she being after money and she is a bitch etc. My gf and her family pretty much stopped everything after this. She didn't even talk to me after that and I was left stranded in pain. But, I know the pain and difficulties she would have gone through. I should have left everything here in USA and gone for her to India, but I didn't, but my gf should not have taken a decision like that just based on a letter from my sister. What do you think?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by quizas

@Pulkit

First of all, why is it assumed that the ONUS to communicate or revive the communication was on the EX and not the OP, who initiated the break-up?

We need to understand the fact, that the Ex-gf perhaps never attempted to make any contacts, since the OP was the first person to leave or break-up. He was the one to initiate the break-up and hence to move on, giving a clear signal to the ex, that it's over between them. The OP never left her a reason to keep in touch with him or even revive the communication. The ex perhaps was a very matured person, to even think in terms of having anything to do with a married man, even though he meant the world to her!

Also, has the OP, ever apologised to the EX?!?! If not, what on earth is he thinking when he expects the JILTED EX to communicate, when he's clearly left her no reason? The Ex's already been hurt once, only a fool or a person with no self respect will stoop down to such a level!

Pulkit, yes you have talked about how the OP needs to "be practical, be reasonable", and I am sure, the OP was given the same reasons like be practical, be reasonable, think of responsibilities towards your parents, family, society, whatsoever, etc when he was "coaxed" into leaving the love of his life and marrying a woman, he claims to have never loved and who eventually strayed!!! And now like we see, all of the reasonable and practical approach didn't help one bit! A lie, afterall is a lie! No matter what the reason / excuse, the OP's decision has boomranged! You see, karma catches up with everyone of us, even before we realise it!

Also, I believe, it's more important to be honest to oneself than to others! It only makes life easier and bearable, at least, we don't end up hurting others! Truth might be bitter but swallowable BUT lies only damage and that too irreversibly!

@Kamalesh,

Kamalesh, do you realise, in your penchant / "enthusiasm" (for lack of better word) to be the "ideal" MAN, you have made "convenient" choices in life which eventually ended up hurting endless people in a row?!?!

15 years back, playing the IDEAL SON, you fell for the "be reasonable, be practical" bit, left someone you loved, went ahead to marry someone else, irrespective of what miseries the ex might have to endure!!

What happens next is, you continue a marriage with a woman you never claimed to have loved for 15 long years and also have children with her. Irrespective of what the wife feels, but again, to the world you never cease to be the IDEAL PERFECT FAMILY MAN!!

And now after coming to terms with your spouse's infidelity, you're very keen and restless to get back in touch with the EX you left behind. Why? Perhaps, now because you have a VERY STRONG excuse to tell the world, that it's not you who's strayed but your wife! Again, to the world, you're the ideal man, who got the raw deal!

I mean, what?!?! One after the other, you do whatever seems convenient to you, whatever seems in sync with your "Perfect" MAN identity only to create more problems for people who don't deserve it in the first place!

If you really think, that you and everyone else around you deserves a second chance to life and to love, then first of all, please come out clean!

You have already lived a LIE for years together, and put two women and also your children in situations they perhaps never deserved to be in the first place. The fact that your wife tried finding love or whatever missing element in her life, out of your marriage, implies the fact, that she has not failed to notice the lie you continued living with her!

The fact is, if you and your wife are not happy together, then please set each other free of this fake relationship, which is only promoting promiscuity. Irrespective of the fact, that whether your ex wants to get back with you or not, first of all you need to sort out the mess at your end. Forget the ex, for a moment, it's time, you resolve the unfortunate situations you have created. Even if it means, mutual divorce. A healthy separation is way better then breeding hatred by living together under the same roof. Who knows, perhaps, even your wife feels smothered in her marriage with you?!?!

And if that's the case, then please set her free! Also, have you ever apologised to the woman you claimed to have loved? Please do that, she at least deserves that out of you! You could never give affection to these women, at least try and restore the faith / respect they had for you!

As for the children, please don't use them as an excuse to continue doing what you had done 15 years back! OUr children are way smart and way understanding than what we often think of them. If you wife's noticed things, then am sure your children are wise enough to understand things as well. The best thing is to speak to your wife in complete honesty, I am more than sure, she's a lot to share as well. And last but not the least, please for once speak your mind, and be the person you really are! Stop being fake and stop being someone else to please others! I don't need to tell you, it's not helping anybody!

---

Hey Quizas,
I think you have accused me without knowing exactly how I broke up with my gf. She broke up and not me. I was ready to do anything to marry her, but she wanted my parents to accept us before we could get married. Also, I did convince my dad to talk to her dad. Things were looking a bit fine, but then my sister wrote a nasty letter to my gf accusing her of she being in love only because I was in USA and she being after money and she is a bitch etc. My gf and her family pretty much stopped everything after this. She didn't even talk to me after that and I was left stranded in pain. But, I know the pain and difficulties she would have gone through. I should have left everything here in USA and gone for her to India, but I didn't, but my gf should not have taken a decision like that just based on a letter from my sister. What do you think?

OP is I think opening poster or the person who started the topic or asked the question. I don't know what is ONUS here.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kumail Rizvi

OP is I think opening poster or the person who started the topic or asked the question. I don't know what is ONUS here.

---

Don't know ..pata nahi. Its a bouncer for me....mere dimag ke oopar se nikal gya sab.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Kumail Rizvi

OP is I think opening poster or the person who started the topic or asked the question. I don't know what is ONUS here.

---

Yes, Kumail, you're pretty much right as far as OP is concerned. OP is used for the "Original Poster". Thanks a bunch for responding to the above query, the person perhaps has problems with understanding plain english. Regards, Q.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pulkit

Don't know ..pata nahi. Its a bouncer for me....mere dimag ke oopar se nikal gya sab.

---

I can understand! Perhaps, why you couldn't respond to my post! Nevertheless, to make things easier for you, OP is the Original poster, to make it all the more simpler for you, OP is the person who initiated this particular discussion or raised this particular query! I hope, this is clear and am not complicating things further for you.

And ONUS, well Onus means a burden, an obligation or responsibility, often something not very easy.

Plain English, you see! Nevertheless, thank you for reading through my post and at least bothering to understand a few words here and there.

Sincere Regards,
Quizas

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by quizas

@Pulkit

First of all, why is it assumed that the ONUS to communicate or revive the communication was on the EX and not the OP, who initiated the break-up?

We need to understand the fact, that the Ex-gf perhaps never attempted to make any contacts, since the OP was the first person to leave or break-up. He was the one to initiate the break-up and hence to move on, giving a clear signal to the ex, that it's over between them. The OP never left her a reason to keep in touch with him or even revive the communication. The ex perhaps was a very matured person, to even think in terms of having anything to do with a married man, even though he meant the world to her!

Also, has the OP, ever apologised to the EX?!?! If not, what on earth is he thinking when he expects the JILTED EX to communicate, when he's clearly left her no reason? The Ex's already been hurt once, only a fool or a person with no self respect will stoop down to such a level!

Pulkit, yes you have talked about how the OP needs to "be practical, be reasonable", and I am sure, the OP was given the same reasons like be practical, be reasonable, think of responsibilities towards your parents, family, society, whatsoever, etc when he was "coaxed" into leaving the love of his life and marrying a woman, he claims to have never loved and who eventually strayed!!! And now like we see, all of the reasonable and practical approach didn't help one bit! A lie, afterall is a lie! No matter what the reason / excuse, the OP's decision has boomranged! You see, karma catches up with everyone of us, even before we realise it!

Also, I believe, it's more important to be honest to oneself than to others! It only makes life easier and bearable, at least, we don't end up hurting others! Truth might be bitter but swallowable BUT lies only damage and that too irreversibly!

@Kamalesh,

Kamalesh, do you realise, in your penchant / "enthusiasm" (for lack of better word) to be the "ideal" MAN, you have made "convenient" choices in life which eventually ended up hurting endless people in a row?!?!

15 years back, playing the IDEAL SON, you fell for the "be reasonable, be practical" bit, left someone you loved, went ahead to marry someone else, irrespective of what miseries the ex might have to endure!!

What happens next is, you continue a marriage with a woman you never claimed to have loved for 15 long years and also have children with her. Irrespective of what the wife feels, but again, to the world you never cease to be the IDEAL PERFECT FAMILY MAN!!

And now after coming to terms with your spouse's infidelity, you're very keen and restless to get back in touch with the EX you left behind. Why? Perhaps, now because you have a VERY STRONG excuse to tell the world, that it's not you who's strayed but your wife! Again, to the world, you're the ideal man, who got the raw deal!

I mean, what?!?! One after the other, you do whatever seems convenient to you, whatever seems in sync with your "Perfect" MAN identity only to create more problems for people who don't deserve it in the first place!

If you really think, that you and everyone else around you deserves a second chance to life and to love, then first of all, please come out clean!

You have already lived a LIE for years together, and put two women and also your children in situations they perhaps never deserved to be in the first place. The fact that your wife tried finding love or whatever missing element in her life, out of your marriage, implies the fact, that she has not failed to notice the lie you continued living with her!

The fact is, if you and your wife are not happy together, then please set each other free of this fake relationship, which is only promoting promiscuity. Irrespective of the fact, that whether your ex wants to get back with you or not, first of all you need to sort out the mess at your end. Forget the ex, for a moment, it's time, you resolve the unfortunate situations you have created. Even if it means, mutual divorce. A healthy separation is way better then breeding hatred by living together under the same roof. Who knows, perhaps, even your wife feels smothered in her marriage with you?!?!

And if that's the case, then please set her free! Also, have you ever apologised to the woman you claimed to have loved? Please do that, she at least deserves that out of you! You could never give affection to these women, at least try and restore the faith / respect they had for you!

As for the children, please don't use them as an excuse to continue doing what you had done 15 years back! OUr children are way smart and way understanding than what we often think of them. If you wife's noticed things, then am sure your children are wise enough to understand things as well. The best thing is to speak to your wife in complete honesty, I am more than sure, she's a lot to share as well. And last but not the least, please for once speak your mind, and be the person you really are! Stop being fake and stop being someone else to please others! I don't need to tell you, it's not helping anybody!

---

Hey Quizas,
I think you have accused me without knowing exactly how I broke up with my gf. She broke up and not me. I was ready to do anything to marry her, but she wanted my parents to accept us before we could get married. Also, I did convince my dad to talk to her dad. Things were looking a bit fine, but then my sister wrote a nasty letter to my gf accusing her of she being in love only because I was in USA and she being after money and she is a bitch etc. My gf and her family pretty much stopped everything after this. She didn't even talk to me after that and I was left stranded in pain. But, I know the pain and difficulties she would have gone through. I should have left everything here in USA and gone for her to India, but I didn't, but my gf should not have taken a decision like that just based on a letter from my sister. What do you think?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kkamalesh

Hey Quizas,
I think you have accused me without knowing exactly how I broke up with my gf. She broke up and not me. I was ready to do anything to marry her, but she wanted my parents to accept us before we could get married. Also, I did convince my dad to talk to her dad. Things were looking a bit fine, but then my sister wrote a nasty letter to my gf accusing her of she being in love only because I was in USA and she being after money and she is a bitch etc. My gf and her family pretty much stopped everything after this. She didn't even talk to me after that and I was left stranded in pain. But, I know the pain and difficulties she would have gone through. I should have left everything here in USA and gone for her to India, but I didn't, but my gf should not have taken a decision like that just based on a letter from my sister. What do you think?

---

Kamalesh,

For once, forget what others have done or what they could have done. The fact of life is, the only person we can hold responsible for our life is ourself! The only person, one can have control over is one's own self and not others. We can never compel others to act the way we want them to but we can certainly take charge of our lives to realise our wishes or our dreams!

You said, things were going right for you, and then suddenly your sister wrote a letter to your EX, and things simply went out of hand. No, to be very honest, things are never that simple. You need to realise and accept one thing very clearly that whatever happened, happened after the families got involved! Especially when both the families were trying to accept and acknowledge their children's decision. It was not like it happens in arranged marriages, where the families have known each other or manage to know each other through family, friends or acquaintances. In your case, your families were going by you and your gf's wisdom and judgement and happiness. Things were in a very delicate phase when your sister wrote a certain letter. You see, first of all, your sister, had no authority to act the way she did with your gf, especially with the families involved. The girl's family had no reason to take such insults from just about anybody. Also, I don't need to tell you the entire experience was scary enough for just about any respectable family to pause and perhaps step out of making a lifetime arrangement, when they know their daughter will be bullied and subjected to nasty treatment.

The worst was your absence! You just never came down. In that case, how do you expect someone or a family to go SIMPLY by your words, when you simply never acted, when you had no control over your own family?!?! (Your ex was absolutely right in seeking the families acknowledgement for your union) You see, our actions speaks louder than our words.

Please realise your ex was at least trying to keep things sane at her end, but where were you to reign in some nasty elements at your end? Your physical presence was required at least for the girl’s family to understand that yes you’re a man who can take good care of their daughter. That you loved her enough to make things respectable for her and you were a man matured enough to handle difficult situations in a composed manner.

In fact, I feel, your ex did everything that was desired out of her, whereas I feel, you have let her down. If she was important enough, like you have admitted, you SHOULD have flown down to India to be with her, when it was absolutely necessary for the two of you together to bring your relationship at a respectable point. And above all, to CONVINCE her family, that their daughter meant the world to you and she was important to you.

ANYWAY.

Honestly, please accept the fact, that you have messed up big time. I hope you realise it now, that neither your sister, nor your family is at the receiving end, but it’s you who’s here and who’s battling his emotions over something that’s long gone and dead, perhaps.

I keep on harping, a lie, after all is a lie. Please speak your mind, please be yourself and do what YOU think is right. Don’t let people influence your life to the extent, that at the end of it all, you realise, you only wasted something precious for no reason at all. Only because you fell for convenience, or only because you were so influenced by others that you failed to differentiate right from wrong.

At this point in time, I can only advice you to communicate with your wife and you ex in complete total honesty. You need to take this off your chest. Apologise to people, especially these two women, if you feel, you have not been just to them. If you ex says, she doesn’t want to hear from you ever again, please accept it and close the chapter forever. If your wife says, she wants her way out of this marriage, let her do that.

To be very honest, I don’t think, people can ever fall out of love (I am talking about genuine affection!) but yes, people can certainly lose respect. And that exactly is the case here. If not love, please try and restore the respect! The people involved here couldn’t live in peace, but they at least deserve to die in peace. So please be honest and communicate in total honesty. It’s important for the concerned people to know, that they loved and they lost, but they love!

Regards,
Quizas

Hey quizas
Have you read this : http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...all-wrong.html

Looks like both are here ?????

Quote:

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Originally Posted by quizas

Kamalesh,

For once, forget what others have done or what they could have done. The fact of life is, the only person we can hold responsible for our life is ourself! The only person, one can have control over is one's own self and not others. We can never compel others to act the way we want them to but we can certainly take charge of our lives to realise our wishes or our dreams!

You said, things were going right for you, and then suddenly your sister wrote a letter to your EX, and things simply went out of hand. No, to be very honest, things are never that simple. You need to realise and accept one thing very clearly that whatever happened, happened after the families got involved! Especially when both the families were trying to accept and acknowledge their children's decision. It was not like it happens in arranged marriages, where the families have known each other or manage to know each other through family, friends or acquaintances. In your case, your families were going by you and your gf's wisdom and judgement and happiness. Things were in a very delicate phase when your sister wrote a certain letter. You see, first of all, your sister, had no authority to act the way she did with your gf, especially with the families involved. The girl's family had no reason to take such insults from just about anybody. Also, I don't need to tell you the entire experience was scary enough for just about any respectable family to pause and perhaps step out of making a lifetime arrangement, when they know their daughter will be bullied and subjected to nasty treatment.

The worst was your absence! You just never came down. In that case, how do you expect someone or a family to go SIMPLY by your words, when you simply never acted, when you had no control over your own family?!?! (Your ex was absolutely right in seeking the families acknowledgement for your union) You see, our actions speaks louder than our words.

Please realise your ex was at least trying to keep things sane at her end, but where were you to reign in some nasty elements at your end? Your physical presence was required at least for the girl’s family to understand that yes you’re a man who can take good care of their daughter. That you loved her enough to make things respectable for her and you were a man matured enough to handle difficult situations in a composed manner.

In fact, I feel, your ex did everything that was desired out of her, whereas I feel, you have let her down. If she was important enough, like you have admitted, you SHOULD have flown down to India to be with her, when it was absolutely necessary for the two of you together to bring your relationship at a respectable point. And above all, to CONVINCE her family, that their daughter meant the world to you and she was important to you.

ANYWAY.

Honestly, please accept the fact, that you have messed up big time. I hope you realise it now, that neither your sister, nor your family is at the receiving end, but it’s you who’s here and who’s battling his emotions over something that’s long gone and dead, perhaps.

I keep on harping, a lie, after all is a lie. Please speak your mind, please be yourself and do what YOU think is right. Don’t let people influence your life to the extent, that at the end of it all, you realise, you only wasted something precious for no reason at all. Only because you fell for convenience, or only because you were so influenced by others that you failed to differentiate right from wrong.

At this point in time, I can only advice you to communicate with your wife and you ex in complete total honesty. You need to take this off your chest. Apologise to people, especially these two women, if you feel, you have not been just to them. If you ex says, she doesn’t want to hear from you ever again, please accept it and close the chapter forever. If your wife says, she wants her way out of this marriage, let her do that.

To be very honest, I don’t think, people can ever fall out of love (I am talking about genuine affection!) but yes, people can certainly lose respect. And that exactly is the case here. If not love, please try and restore the respect! The people involved here couldn’t live in peace, but they at least deserve to die in peace. So please be honest and communicate in total honesty. It’s important for the concerned people to know, that they loved and they lost, but they love!

Regards,
Quizas

---

Thanks Quizas... I know I am in denial... I didn't leave everything and go to India for the girl who meant everything to me. Now my whole life is messed up because of regret and guilt. I totally let her down and messed up her life. I made the wrong decision when I was young. I should have at least try and talk to her early on, but I was too upset, emotional and selfish I guess.

At that time, I had spent 3years in U.S studying and just got a job and my family needed a lot of monitory support and I was scared to take a chance at that time. I just didn't think right... Now I have to die with regret.

I have all the money I ever wanted, a wife and 2 kids... A perfect family from the world's eyes, but I am not able to be peaceful even for a second in my life. I am trying hard to truly love my wife, but I just can't take my gf off my heart. I would die if it was not for the kids. :( I just need to figure out to be peaceful somehow, but I don't know how.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Yahoo

Hey quizas
Have you read this : http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...all-wrong.html

Looks like both are here ?????

---

That's her and that's exactly what happened... I wish I could go back and fix everything, but time does not wait for anyone.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by quizas

Yes, Kumail, you're pretty much right as far as OP is concerned. OP is used for the "Original Poster". Thanks a bunch for responding to the above query, the person perhaps has problems with understanding plain english. Regards, Q.



I can understand! Perhaps, why you couldn't respond to my post! Nevertheless, to make things easier for you, OP is the Original poster, to make it all the more simpler for you, OP is the person who initiated this particular discussion or raised this particular query! I hope, this is clear and am not complicating things further for you.

And ONUS, well Onus means a burden, an obligation or responsibility, often something not very easy.

Plain English, you see! Nevertheless, thank you for reading through my post and at least bothering to understand a few words here and there.

Sincere Regards,
Quizas

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Well, I am sorry for not understanding what you said. But let me tell you, there isn't anything new that you said in your post to kkamlesh. You are repeating everything I already posted to some extend. Please avoid redundancy as it might create confusion in the " OP's " mind.

Thank You !!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Yahoo

Hey quizas
Have you read this : http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...all-wrong.html

Looks like both are here ?????

---

Yess seems like both the parties are here. I would like kkamlesh to view this post also.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pulkit

Well, I am sorry for not understanding what you said. But let me tell you, there isn't anything new that you said in your post to kkamlesh. You are repeating everything I already posted to some extend. Please avoid redundancy as it might create confusion in the " OP's " mind.

Thank You !!

---

Well, well, well, I am now more than sure, you haven't understand my post completely. Do you realise, we have been of entirely opposite views? :D LOL!

Also, are you suggesting me, that since you have answered others are not entitled to respond to this post because then it gets "redundant" even if it's not the OP but you who's got confused? Please try and stop directing people on what and what not they can write. You can always skip reading my posts, let the OP decide if he wants to respond to my post or not. You see, the OP, I and other respondents to this thread and my post, have a discussion going on!

Also if you have an issue with me, please PM me or please lets shift our "issue" to the other segment for gen. discussions and not on this particular thread. I don't see, why you must continue a baseless argument here?

I would have loved it if you would have responded to MY POST TO THE THREAD, which you have already skipped!

Anyway. Good bye and Good luck!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kkamalesh

That's her and that's exactly what happened... I wish I could go back and fix everything, but time does not wait for anyone.

---

Thats her here ?
You both are asking for advice at same time and same place and yes.. after so many years. ?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kkamalesh

That's her and that's exactly what happened... I wish I could go back and fix everything, but time does not wait for anyone.

---

Hello kkamlesh,
So now when you both are here on the forum, what do you expect from us ?

In regards to what your ex-girlfriend has written in her post, all I should say is, things would have been smooth and easy if you would have interfere in the matter when it was required. I would like to know, what did you do after you got to know that your sister wrote a letter to your ex-girlfriend ???? Did you ever try to mend things up or not ?? Did you ever try to speak to your sister and tell her how much you guys are in love ? What did your sister do, then ??

Moreover, from the thread your ex-girlfriend has posted, it seems to me that she has no regrets for what she has done. she just want a plain answer that whatever she did was right or wrong ? Never did she say, she want to get back in your life or marry you now. So, it makes me believe in the fact that she has moved on in her life and you and things attache to you doesn't seems to concern to her now.

So, it would be better if you realize this fact as soon as possible and try to MOVE ON in life !!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by quizas

Well, well, well, I am now more than sure, you haven't understand my post completely. Do you realise, we have been of entirely opposite views? :D LOL!

Also, are you suggesting me, that since you have answered others are not entitled to respond to this post because then it gets "redundant" even if it's not the OP but you who's got confused? Please try and stop directing people on what and what not they can write. You can always skip reading my posts, let the OP decide if he wants to respond to my post or not. You see, the OP, I and other respondents to this thread and my post, have a discussion going on!

Also if you have an issue with me, please PM me or please lets shift our "issue" to the other segment for gen. discussions and not on this particular thread. I don't see, why you must continue a baseless argument here?

I would have loved it if you would have responded to MY POST TO THE THREAD, which you have already skipped!

Anyway. Good bye and Good luck!

---

Hello quizas,

Let me tell you we are not of opposite views and all I wanted to say is you have posted such a long comment which contain points I already made. You are an individual in your own respect...you have your own views and ofcourse you are free to publish them or speak them out whenever, wherever you want, as such they hardly bother me.

I have never asked you to stop writing or commenting on the posts but I would appreciate if you can add things up instead of repeating what has already been stated. I like the concept that someone else is here who is following these posts and trying to help others by lessening their miseries. Keep it on !!!

MY FINAL RESPONSE TO YOU - YOU CAN CARRY ON, BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP RESPONDING TO SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER UNDERSTOOD A WORD I HAVE UTTERED! THIS POST ONWARDS, YOU'RE IGNORED!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Pulkit

Hello quizas,

Let me tell you we are not of opposite views and all I wanted to say is you have posted such a long comment which contain points I already made. You are an individual in your own respect...you have your own views and ofcourse you are free to publish them or speak them out whenever, wherever you want, as such they hardly bother me.

I have never asked you to stop writing or commenting on the posts but I would appreciate if you can add things up instead of repeating what has already been stated. I like the concept that someone else is here who is following these posts and trying to help others by lessening their miseries. Keep it on !!!

---

Oh My God! Now you will compel me to believe, that we're of the same opinion?!?!?!? LOL. Pulkit, please stop creating a scene here!!! Don't talk just about anything only because you have to :). Read MY first post (you skipped responding to!) in response to your POSTSSSS to know how "SIMILAR" our views are! Also, enough, I am repeating, I am here to discuss things with the original poster and I am not interested in disturbing this thread only because a certain person is confused!

I am telling you again, don't guide people on how to respond and on what to respond! DOn't try to moderate the thread! Like I have said, the OP and others have bothered to read and respond to my post, no matter how lengthy it is and that is what matters to me. PERIOD! I respond to a post, where I feel I can contribute and I can make a difference. I don't write here on whatsoever post I come across or I don't google and copy-paste articles, just because I have free time to kill!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kkamalesh

Thanks Quizas... I know I am in denial... I didn't leave everything and go to India for the girl who meant everything to me. Now my whole life is messed up because of regret and guilt. I totally let her down and messed up her life. I made the wrong decision when I was young. I should have at least try and talk to her early on, but I was too upset, emotional and selfish I guess.

At that time, I had spent 3years in U.S studying and just got a job and my family needed a lot of monitory support and I was scared to take a chance at that time. I just didn't think right... Now I have to die with regret.

I have all the money I ever wanted, a wife and 2 kids... A perfect family from the world's eyes, but I am not able to be peaceful even for a second in my life. I am trying hard to truly love my wife, but I just can't take my gf off my heart. I would die if it was not for the kids. :( I just need to figure out to be peaceful somehow, but I don't know how.

---

Apologies, Kamalesh! I just managed to read your post. I believe, since we both are new on the forum, our posts take time to get published. Nevertheless, no matter how slow, we at least manage to communicate.

I completely understand every single word you have said here. And honestly, believe me, you're not the only person in this situation.

I know, how people, often people very close to us, keep telling us, "be reasonable, be practical, be logical, be responsible" in fact, everything but "be honest, be true to yourself", without realising how adversely our "reasons" and "responsibilities" can affect our life!

In fact do you realise, in my very first post to this thread (while addressing another reader) I had said,

"XYZ, yes you have talked about how the OP needs to "be practical, be reasonable", and I am sure, the OP was given the same reasons like be practical, be reasonable, think of responsibilities towards your parents, family, society, whatsoever, etc when he was "coaxed" into leaving the love of his life and marrying a woman, he claims to have never loved and who eventually strayed!!! And now like we see, all of the reasonable and practical approach didn't help one bit! A lie, afterall is a lie!"

Yes, you messed up, but the most unfortunate thing is this happens with so many of us, especially when we're young. The fact is we are so programmed to believe that OUR ELDERS are always right that even though when we are certain that we're right, sometimes we end up playing "safe" only to eventually realise, that it was so not worth! Of course, this can not be reversed, but then you can't beat yourself to death over this.

Coming back to the main issue, I'll maintain you need to communicate with your wife (MOST IMPORTANT!), with the girl you loved (Yes, an honest confession about how you feel about the entire situation!) and now also your children in complete honesty (If the situation demands it!).

I can assure you, your wife will understand what you're talking about and perhaps, chances are bright that she might even share or echo the same sentiments, given whatever's happened off late. (And this is irrespective of whether your ex wants to be with you or not!) If you and your wife are able to talk through the situation like two matured friends would, then yes a lot will become easier for everyone involved.

Yes, your children of course will take time and yes they will have a lot of questions, perhaps might even resent you. Because, after all, for our children we're their "super / flawless" parents first and later ordinary human beings who have a heart that bleeds and a mind that thinks! But I believe, they will understand things. I strongly believe, children can understand and empathise things way better than matured adults can! We, as matured adults, have our own selfish agendas when we give an opinion, whereas children usually speak their mind and hearts!

So please be brave, and for once, do what you think is necessary for you! Of course, it's not going to be easy. But like I always say, a relationship based on honesty is more important than a lie well executed. Irrespective of whether you stand a chance to reunite with your lost love, at least confess to the two most important women in your life, how and what you feel about the entire situation. You need to realise, what I mean when I say, restore the respect and faith! You have made a mistake, but it's ok to make a mistake. The important thing is to acknowledge it, repent over it sincerely, in honesty, apologise to the aggrieved parties and make peace with and for everyone!

Do you realise your running away from both your EX and also your wife has only made them believe that perhaps you never loved them and perhaps you never cared which is not true and that is what is killing the three of you. Please realise your honest reply might not reunite you to the love of your life or make you fall in love with your wife, but it might at least bring you all to peace, to at least respect each other and perhaps help each other make the situation bearable at least?!?! Think over it.

Pray God helps you through this.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by quizas

MY FINAL RESPONSE TO YOU - YOU CAN CARRY ON, BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP RESPONDING TO SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER UNDERSTOOD A WORD I HAVE UTTERED! THIS POST ONWARDS, YOU'RE IGNORED!



Oh My God! Now you will compel me to believe, that we're of the same opinion?!?!?!? LOL. Pulkit, please stop creating a scene here!!! Don't talk just about anything only because you have to :). Read MY first post (you skipped responding to!) in response to your POSTSSSS to know how "SIMILAR" our views are! Also, enough, I am repeating, I am here to discuss things with the original poster and I am not interested in disturbing this thread only because a certain person is confused!

I am telling you again, don't guide people on how to respond and on what to respond! DOn't try to moderate the thread! Like I have said, the OP and others have bothered to read and respond to my post, no matter how lengthy it is and that is what matters to me. PERIOD! I respond to a post, where I feel I can contribute and I can make a difference. I don't write here on whatsoever post I come across or I don't google and copy-paste articles, just because I have free time to kill!

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Whatsoever our respective views are, you have no rights to comment on whatever I do or feel like doing on the forum, which ofcourse you have been doing since the time you wrote your first comment on this post. I will do whatever I feel like doing and you are just nobody to direct me to what I should do or what I should not. I am not interested in ruining this thread either but you compelled me to do so with your initial post.

As you said, you want to contribute to this forum and you are here to "discuss things with the original poster", do it but please try not to interfere with what others have posted ( atleast, in my case, as you did !!! ).

I am over with this discussion. Lets not get into it anymore.