Brahmin upper middel class and lower middle class marriage problem

Hello, Iam a 25 year old gal(Non brahmin) in love with a brahmin guy of same age. We both are loving each other from past 3 years.He comes from a lower middle class family and his family is very orthodox. His parents are not much educated and his father was not in a good job position too. My parents are well educated and they both are working. Iam from upper middle class family. We have not yet informed our parents about our relationship. Because we thought we need to set few things before going ahead and telling them about our decision.Firstly, when we met we had just started with our career, since we faced lot of trouble with career it took us finally 3 years to settle down with a good job and an average good salary.We thought we should be well settled with our jobs before we talk about our marriage to parents.We faced lot of troubles in making our career. Apart from that he had loans to clear and his educational loan too. So we thought if he clears some of his loans then we will be free to take decision since his parents are financially dependent on him and as his brother.So along with settling our career we started fixing his debts too. We succeeded also to some extent even though not much or as we planned. His family is now planning to get his brother married off. But we are not sure how long they will take to do it since he is just 1 year elder to us.We wanted to show our parents that we are matured enough by doing all these things. But while doing all these things and trying to achieve our career and financial goals we have strained our relationship(with lot of fights and misunderstandings). And he has less time left to achieve financial things, convince his parents and make his brother get married and become ready to marry me in another 2years because iam already 25 and I dont want to be unmmaried after 27. Today we both are not feeling anything towards each other and we have frustated each other.We feel we both are not meant for each other and we don't feel love for each other. I wanted him to clear half of his debts and save some money for our marriage and future. I understand if u love someone, you have to accept whatever comes. I chose to be with him even after knowing his financial situation because I thought one should give importance to human being rather than money because money comes and goes but character is what decides you in the end.But at the same time, I want to be planned and organised and we plan our future. But he says it's wrong and Iam putting unnecessary pressure on him and we are different in this way. We both felt these achievements, which we thought will bring us together, has taken our happiness,peace,our bond and love.Iam not able to figure out what went wrong in between us?Can we still make our relationship work and tell our parents about our decision with all these difficulties (money,time, parents approval) get married with their blessings?Iam really confused about taking decision,please help me by sharing your thoughts.

Hi cutenagel,


Definitely, you'll be able to make this really beautiful relationship work out. Before moving forward, I would applaud you for your efforts, your honesty, your beliefs and for everything you have done for this relationship. O really admire your efforts and respect you as a woman, who prioritized her feelings and love over money to stay with a person who might not be as good in status as her and not leave him for her selfishness.

Now coming to your question.

1) You guys are trying your best to make things work out finacially and/or otherwise, so there is no chance that things will not improve. You have seen efforts paying off in the past. Similarly, things will happen good in the future. That might take some more time than 2 years, but things will improve. Waiting for a little more than 2 years is worth a shot if at the end of it, you get what you want.
Coming to convincing your respective parents, I'd say, looking at your efforts, your hard work they will understand how desperately you guys love each other and how eagerly you want to be together. For a parent's perspective, its not always important that the guy, they're marrying their daughter to is rich. What matters is, he should be capable enough to earn a good, decent living for his family. Your guy, for instance has this ability to work hard to support you in any situation. He is really concerned about you and your happiness. So, I feel he has a long way to go and in a very short time, you'll see him achieving his goals. Just hold yourself strong and wait.

2) Its not yrue that you guys have "strained" your relationship. For me, its a perfect relationship having a really caring, hard working, concerned guy and a really sweet, decent, supportive girlfriend. If this is the case, how come your relationship become weak?
Understand, he has too much to handle - himself, you, his brother, his parents, marriage, career, your parents, a safe-n-secure future etc. When you talk about a man, he identity is his career, his achievements, his success...and how well he can take care of his wife and children. These are the only parameter you judge a man on. When a man "fails" to fulfil these properly, its evident for him to feel a little frustrated.

Let me explain you the other way round. H loves you and by that virtue, he wants you go stay happy, feel safe and secure with him - emotionally, financially, socially..however...which is why, he is trying his level best to earn well to give you the comforts you deserve. Right now he has other things on priority, perharps, too much to handle. You cannot expect him to stay cool and behave normally always when he has too much on his head already. Had I been at his place, I would have been a far more irritated personality than he is.

Its not at all that you guys hav lost love and feelings. Its a test for your relationship, in a way. How well uou manage things, yourself while struggling hard to achieve your goals.

So, try to be a little more supportive. Avoid getting into heated arguments. Be a little more adaptive, put your expectations on low for sometime understanding things will take their own course of time to settle, have a positive outlook and try to forget and forgive more. Things are just fine. No need to worry. Don't let doubts creep in.

Thanks for the reply.yes I feel may be we both didn't understand each it her and support each other when it was very crucial for us.we got lot of challenges to face and it wasn't easy for anyone.Instead of fighting with each other we should hv both supported each other.we both created misunderstandings distance between us.But the thing was I was asking him to tell in his home about yes from past 8 to 9 moths and there was always denial from his side saying we hv settle this job or settle a debt or my brother gets engaged otherwise it may affect my elder brother.But in all this he forgot that even Iam waiting for him, I didn't ask him to marry me now I just wanted him to tell in his home.I really lost those feelings,trust,faith,live,care,respect I had for him.All my wishes are placed back in front of his parents.Is it right?Now I had to tell in my home and I told my parents and brother.My brother felt I won't be able to adjust to his orthodox poor family and he isn't supporting.My parents are not agreeing,they say first is caste,u can't go and stay in their house with them following their customs and traditions(Brahmins customs) and they won't accept you and treat u very low.We can't see u being treated lowly.Iam person who is brought with full freedom and I hv freedom to express my views.Since I don't believe in doing puja I don't do it,so my parents feel there is lot of differences bound to occur if u stay with them.For this reason I had told him thAt we would stay separately from ur parents initially and later on after few years we can stay along with them or we move abroad if we get chance?NOw he says I don't know I can't leave my parents I will do whatever they say.second they feel is he is financially very low and we want to marry and stay happily N freely not to struggle.
If this is the story from my end then he also informed his brother,cousins and dad abt us.HIs cousin says nobody will support you and you will be put out ,that's what happened with me and they separated me from my gal they will do same with u too.HIs brother says this is not love itself,leAve all this and stay away,through ur sim and finish all ur contacts with her.HIs dad is not even ready to listen anything from him.HIs mother has epilepsy so they haven't informed her.

My dad asks the guy should be ready to do anything for ur sake and his love sake,but your guy is not even convincing his parents neither ready to move out from his house and marry you then how do you trust him?Iam really confused over his intentions.

PLease tell me wht shud I do now?I have list my happiness and peace.Who is wrong in this?IS my guy to be blamed?Please help me please

Please someone help Iam really so desperate n frustrated. I really love him a lot yeah everything is not well between us but does it mean we don't love each other and we haste each other? My parents treat me well,give me wht ever I want. Cook my favourite dish and agree for my things but when it comes to his matter they are not even ready to listen.They say we will find better match for you than him within our community and in abroad, we can inform that guy that u wanted to marry someone and it didn't happen and nobody will worry about it n take it seriously so leave him and go for better life. I know he is really confused between his parents and me and he says he can't leave his parents at any cost.I just wanted him to convince his parents n we stay seperate for some time to avoid custom traditions differences and misunderstandings and even Iam afraid that his parents may be ill treated by his relatives and friends and society.So I just wanted yo stay with him that doesn't mean I hate his parents or I don't want them it's wrong I need them when they are in a state to accept me may be kids play a major role in bringing grand parents close to parents, that's wht I thought.
Iam not a monster gal who I'll treat her in laws.I never ever thought of doing it anyone.He doesn't understand this and always say one thing I can never ever leave my parents they need me emotionally n financially I can't leave them, Iam their son. Iam not getting what to do. My parents say they are very strict n u won't be able to follow their customs and they are right too I agree with them so only Iam asking him to move out.So when they are capable of accepting me as a human being not with caste creed then we can definitely be with them.My parents are dead against this marriage.Iam really scared and crying.No one to help. Even he is not talking to me properly as he is in confusion abt what abt to do. These days he says he wants to leave me and asks me to forget him. I really love him and don't want to loose him. Once a time we really shared a very very good understanding loving relationship. It may be in problem now coz of misunderstandings and mistakes by both of us.Another reason my parents give is money. I believe he is good at his job and does it well and he will do well in future and I may have to help him out for some years if we want to build everything on our own without my parents support. I said I will do job anyways and support him. Recently I had problem in my job and Iam almost on the verge of loosing my job. My parents pin point this and say ur not capable of retaining this job then how come u will work in future and support him? Yes may be difficult for me but I will try to do job for as many years as I can and support him. Please help me ,Iam really frustrated ,lost sleep ,health, depressed and staying in home without job and any hopes about marrying him and our future. Thanks in advance.

Hi cutenagel,

Sorry for much delayed response.


Honestly speaking, marrying you in same community can never guarantee you happiness, a secure life, a happy future. Also, nowdays, what's most important and move valued fact about relationship is, that, both the individuals share a mutual understanding, respect and care for each other. Its very essential that you are emotionally attached with your partner. You enjoy your similarities while respecting the differences. So, if your parents thinks that he can guarantee you a secure and happy future by marrying you to someone in your own community, they are highly mistaken. Also, if they believe, they can bring a better match for you, they are perhaps forgetting that you are in love wiyh someone and you won't be able to love another person. He might be good in few parameters...a little better than your boyfriend, but there is something that he will always miss in you, i.e. Love.
So, howsoever promising the offer is, if you lack that emotional inclinational towards him, everything is a waste.
Moreover, please ask your respected father, what cultural differences is he hinting at ? Ask him if your boyfriend and his family doesn't celebrate Diwali, Holi ? Kindly ask him if they worship to different set of Gods than you do? Don't they eat the same food as you do? Do they have different media for entertainments than other communities ?
The answer is simply, No. And my dear friend, where lies the cultural difference? Also, if you are married to a guy in your community, you eventually have to adjust to customs and food habbit of his family. So, if your father thinks that marrying you in same community will not alter much, he is mistaken. With all due respect, please request him to respect the individual and his capabilities, his behaviour which is naturally given to him and not the things that society induces in an individual.

Regarding your boyfriend, definitely being a son of his parents, he has an emotional inclination, a financial and social responsibility towards his parents. If he is not willing to leave his parents and move out with you (owing to his living standards and nature, etc), please don't bother him by forcing him to do that. If you love him with all your heart, try to be a little more adaptive of the situation.

As far as finance is concerned, today the time has come when both - husband, and wife has to earn to support a good living for themselves. So, anyhow, if you're married to someone settled in abroad, there is no guarantee that he will not ask you to step out and work to support finances. India is still in a better condition than abroad where living standards are too high and income is low.

So,please talk to your parents and your boyfriend on this. Convince your parents for the match. Talk to your boyfriend and ask him to convince his family members giving them valud, justified reasons as to why he wants to marry you.

Hi cutenagel,

Please read this.
http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...-marriage.html