Not able to make the what is right and what is right

I met a guy and fell in love with him he was one of my relative , he was a married man with a girl who belongs to the same city of mine but his wife used to live separte from her at her parents after 4-5 months after their marriage and he is stiil not in mood to live with his wife our relation continue for 2.5 years due to his wifes behaviour , i accepted his propsals bcz i thougt that we will be able to get married after some time when his wife will give him the divorce now the problem is that his wife is not ready to give the divorce to him,he is a very good guy and always help me as he was senior in age also and education also, now thw problem is that before 2 months a guy came in my life and he is from the same cast as mine i mean to say that dere will be no proble in getting married if i will tell my parents nd both of the guys love me too much but the diiference between them is that the married guy is very serious due to his problem and his nature also in comparison to new guy .i told my b.f about the new guy and have a serious discussion dat we should over our relation now bcz your wife is not raedy to let you go and i m not sure that my parents will allow me to get married with you because to get married him was only 10% sure, as my parents will not accept the relation as of the married man secondly his wife was from the same city then obviously her parents will make pressure on parents if we decided to marry and thirdly he was in that relation that we cannot marry so thinking on these parameters i decided to give him up but as i told him he let me away and he is very sad and not having any contact with me , i m having immense deep feeling for him that i am unable to to forget him and also not maintaing my relation with the new guy . i m very confused that what should i do ??? i m not fogeting my old b.f and not able to make healthy relations with the new guy and new guy is ready to married with me and he had told his parents and his mother also likes me and wanted to make me her daughter- in- law.but my parents are not aware about both the guys what shoul i do??? (plz give the serious reply as it is the matter of anyones life)





i m not able to take decision whether i should be with the person who is married and in problems or live my life with the guy who is not maaried and maariage problem will not be the hindrances ,

Hello sona chaudhary,
Welcome to the Forum. Firstly, let me tell you, you needn't need to worry too much over this issue. Relax yourself and think as to whom you love. As you told, both the guys are in love with you, but here everything depends on your decision. So, give everything a deep thought and decide onto things well.

You have two ways here -

1) You can marry your old boyfriend( i.e. the married guy ) whom you say you love by convincing your parents for the marriage. But let me tell you this will be rather difficult for you as you have to not just convince your parents for the marriage but his present wife also and his in-laws too. Moreover, getting yourself involved in this situation is like Kicking your own bummie as it will not only disturb you both but everyone attached either to you or to him.

2) You can very well marry this new guy in your life by easily convincing your parents for your marriage. He is single, he loves you, belongs to the same caste as of yours and there is absolutely no point of trouble for you marrying him. All I can say is, a relationship is best when it has minimum number of differences and difficulties. This is the one for you.

Let me tell you one thing more on whatever you said in your statement stating (plz give the serious reply as it is the matter of anyones life). Your life is not bound to anyone. If someone threatens you to kill himself just because you are not marrying him or not doing things according to his wish, you needn't need to worry. Instead you can report the matter to the concerning authorities and let them take an action on him.

If I would have been at your place, I would have gone for the new guy in your life as things seems to be easy here for me and everybody involved. Its perfectly okay if you don't want to marry your old boyfriend knowing to the fact that you are committed and that he loves you and needs you because marrying him will be creating alot of troubles for both of you.
I know its difficult to understand but right now the best possible thing you can do is to marry the new guy in your life and stay away from your old boyfriend, who is already married.

Moreover, you can explain things to him ( i.e. your old boyfriend ) that its your life and you dont want to play with it. Neither you have any rights to hurt your parents emotions and marry with difficulty and against their wish to him. You need to tell him that instead of marrying him you will actually create a lot of troubles for him and his present wife and things between them will also sour. Instead ask him to make up with his present wife, try to forget whatever happened with him and his wife in the past compromise and mend things up and get along with her again. Tell him that its far more easy for him to do so rather than marrying you and creating a whole lot of troubles for both sides.

I hope I answer you question well.

thnks pulkit
but wat should i do bcz my old b.f memories are not washing off from mind when ever i visit to any place where we had met earlier makes me remind of my old b.f and it makes me making sad and not concentarting on my studies, work and my new relation also . i always think that is i m doing the right by leaving him in the mid of the way as me and my old b.f had many promises , i tried to contact him but he said to me that you are not having any heart for feelings but i really loves him but due to socail consideartions i think to gave him up , but i want that my old b.f should not be anymore sad and trouble and i also want that he should be in my contact bcz i used to share my all the problems with him i had never shared mr secret problems to anyone except him . how can i forget him or make him realize dat i love him and he should be in my contact forever

Pulkit has given excellent answer already. I will only add to it what he already said, your first affair (married guy) is nothing but all mess. First of all , if he had any issue with his wife, instead of going for extra marital affair, he was supposed to resolve it and if its not resolving , must have taken divorce. Moreover, I think if a couple is not living together for period of 2 year then legally they are not more husband-wife and also if woman denies marital responsibility then he can also asked for divorce.

Below are the details I found on internet regarding divorce in India:

The following are the grounds for divorce in India mentioned under the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955.



Adultery – The act of indulging in any kind of s*xual relationship including intercourse outside marriage is termed as adultery. Adultery is counted as a criminal offence and substantial proofs are required to establish it. An amendment to the law in 1976 states that one single act of adultery is enough for the petitioner to get a divorce.



Cruelty – A spouse can file a divorce case when he/she is subjected to any kind of mental and physical injury that causes danger to life, limb and health. The intangible acts of cruelty through mental torture are not judged upon one single act but series of incidents. Certain instances like the food being denied, continuous ill treatment and abuses to acquire dowry, perverse s*xual act and such are included under cruelty.



Desertion – If one of the spouses voluntarily abandons his/her partner for at least a period of two years, the abandoned spouse can file a divorce case on the ground of desertion.



Conversion – Incase either of the two converts himself/herself into another religion, the other spouse may file a divorce case based on this ground.



Mental Disorder – Mental disorder can become a ground for filing a divorce if the spouse of the petitioner suffers from incurable mental disorder and insanity and therefore cannot be expected from the couple to stay together.



Leprosy – In case of a ‘virulent and incurable’ form of leprosy, a petition can be filed by the other spouse based on this ground.



Venereal Disease – If one of the spouses is suffering from a serious disease that is easily communicable, a divorce can be filed by the other spouse. The s*xually transmitted diseases like AIDS are accounted to be venereal diseases.



Renunciation – A spouse is entitled to file for a divorce if the other renounces all worldly affairs by embracing a religious order.



Not Heard Alive – If a person is not seen or heard alive by those who are expected to be ‘naturally heard’ of the person for a continuous period of seven years, the person is presumed to be dead. The other spouse should need to file a divorce if he/she is interested in remarriage.



No Resumption of Co-habitation – It becomes a ground for divorce if the couple fails to resume their co-habitation after the court has passed a decree of separation.



The following are the grounds for divorce in India on which a petition can be filed only by the wife.



* If the husband has indulged in rape, bestiality and sodomy.



* If the marriage is solemnized before the Hindu Marriage Act and the husband has again married another woman in spite of the first wife being alive, the first wife can seek for a divorce.



* A girl is entitled to file for a divorce if she was married before the age of fifteen and renounces the marriage before she attains eighteen years of age.



* If there is no co-habitation for one year and the husband neglects the judgment of maintenance awarded to the wife by the court, the wife can contest for a divorce.


So he was really serious, he can easily get divorce. May be he loves you but somewhere he want to keep his marriage too.

Also, it is said that marry one who LOVES you, so better to marry this new guy and by grace of time you will forget your "married guy" as well you will live to learn without him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by sona chaudhary

thnks pulkit
but wat should i do bcz my old b.f memories are not washing off from mind when ever i visit to any place where we had met earlier makes me remind of my old b.f and it makes me making sad and not concentarting on my studies, work and my new relation also . i always think that is i m doing the right by leaving him in the mid of the way as me and my old b.f had many promises , i tried to contact him but he said to me that you are not having any heart for feelings but i really loves him but due to socail consideartions i think to gave him up , but i want that my old b.f should not be anymore sad and trouble and i also want that he should be in my contact bcz i used to share my all the problems with him i had never shared mr secret problems to anyone except him . how can i forget him or make him realize dat i love him and he should be in my contact forever

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Well in respect to what you said above, all I can say is, its natural. Its absolutely natural for you to miss him, feel him and think about him everytime. As you said, whenever you visit a place you both have already been, it reminds you of the past time you spend together, which is absolutely natural to happen. I understand, you guys were in a relationship and you are still in love with him BUT you need to realize that you are trying to sail on two boats at the same time which is obviously not possible.

Try to figure out things on your own.... you are in an extra-marital relationship with a man who is married and going through a rough phase in life. He comes in your life and tell you about his past and how rotten things are with him. He tells you that his wife doesnt love him and has left him and that he wants to be your friend. You being emotional enough, gets sympathetic and emotionally attached to him and as and when time passes you tend to believe that this sympathy in your heart for him is love. This is what I think actually happened with you. Am I right ??

Now coming to the point I want to say, this soft corner in your heart for him is not love ( as you would consider it ) but a mere sympathy and pity to him for whatever happened with him. Try to realize he is a human being, frustrated with his married life and is indeed seeking love, which obviously he received from you in form of care and respect. But rally every single cell in your brain and tell me is that actually what you would call, love ??? Absolutely not, because its just mere sympathy and pity that you have in your heart for him.

Moreover, marrying him seems more like a emotional decision than practical. Just because you are not able to put yourself in that situation right now you are not able to realize how much tension and mental agony it will cause you both if you get married to him. But trust me, all that seems easy right now will get tough slowly. So my honest advice to you would be to stay away from him and give up this decision of marrying him.

Well, coming to the point on how can you forget him and things attached to him, all you need to realize is TIME is the best healer. Avoid going to places where you both have been in the past if that reminds you of him. Try to involve yourself in some constructive work, indulge yourself in your hobbies, watch movies , hang out with friends and try to stay away from him as much as you can. Avoid calling him or try to make any contacts with him. Concentrate on your studies which is obviously the most important thing for you right now. Sort out things for yourself and understand you are not someone who should feel guilty for leaving someone when he needs you because as I said earlier ITS YOUR LIFE.

Moreover, for the worst case if you want to help him out, you can be friends with him. But make sure being friends with him means JUST being friends with him. Realize that friendship comes with some limitations and if you want to stay with him in this difficult time of his, you should try practicing these limitations. You can always stay with each other, help each other when one needs the other and you can as well share your "secret problems" with him, as a friend.

Hello Yahoo,

This is indeed a very valuable information you have given here. Also, its the best answer one can give to this problem of sona chaudhary. Hats off to you for such a wonderful reply.

I would appreciate if you can make use of this valuable information in a bigger way and post it on the forum as a new thread as it might help someone visiting the forum.