How to convince muslim parents to marry their daughter with Hindu guy

I have read most of the post from your blog and I am quite impressed with the way you have taken a practical approach for everything. I have read many blogs but I think you can give me a good advice.
I am an IT consultant working with a fortune 500 company, has 8+ years of experience, 33 years of age now, never married, comes from a very liberal kayastha, North Indian Hindu family) from Bangalore. I am in a relationship with a Muslim girl (25 years of age and she is a MBA from Manipal, she worked for around 9-10 months with a US MNC , right now not doing anything ) since last 1.5 years.
She is from South India. Mangalore. We met each other through a common friend and since then we came close to each other. Her family members know me very well. They like me a lot. Her mother has gone in records by saying “I know you would be the best for my girl but I cannot say yes.”
Most of her family and friends are educated and very qualified and well settled in Dubai. Her father also works in Dubai and she has a younger brother who is now in Bangalore and studying 1st year Engineering. Over the period of time her mother sensed that may be we are getting close to each other which is why she asked her to leave the job and come back to Udipi and from there she sent her to Dubai so that she can be distracted from this attraction and may be get on with her new life. In the mean while I was in India and in last September, I went for an overseas assignment. But we kept on talking about how to convince our parents.
My parents once met this girl and asked me if I am willing to marry her. So from my end things were quite clear that they are ready and willing to get us married. My mom and my other family members even tried to take things out from my mouth if they can go and ask for the marriage from her parents. Which they eventually did, on December 14, 2013. They spoke to them making it very formal proposal from our side. Not mentioning that the girl is equally in love with me, so as to avoid any harm to her. Which I think was sensible decision then. She was also not willing to disclose it to her parents in an upfront manner but yes, she had conveyed her willingness to settle down with me if opportunity given.
My Father and my uncle called her dad and asked for the alliance but her father politely declined, saying that they cannot do it, as society will not let them live and suicide will be the only option left for them after it. Moreover, I spoke to her mom and she also politely declined the offer and said if it would have been possible for us, we would have been more than happy to accept. But society and other family members will not let us live peacefully and curse us.
This happened in December 2013, and later around December 25th her mother forced her to accept a proposal from her community. The guy is also working in Dubai and is around 27-28 years of age. (To be honest I don’t know his exact age). She kept on asking me what should be do? Shall we elope? Or what should we do? The problem now is we both tried to avoid each other and we both tried to neglect each other’s feelings but somehow are not able to resist it.
3-4 days back I again started texting her and she also responded and we again got mad about each other. She is very depressed as she does not want to marry this guy but only said yes to this proposal because her mother asked her to consider all the money they have spent on her education and medicines and what not. She gave her all kinds of logic, regarding we being of different religion, we being from different regions and what not.
Now, cutting the long story short. Yesterday she finally told her mother clearly that she loves me a lot and has promised me to get married. Due to which her mother is very upset and crying and cursing her. I still assume that her father does not have privy of latest developments. But he is a much sorted out man and very kind hearted man. He is very clam and polite person and a good human being byheart.
The guy whom she got engaged is a known to her family and he broke his engagement to get himself engaged with her. Two days back he called me to discuss it out the current situation between me and her. He himself told me that he is aware of our relationship and could not able to take it very nicely as my girl still loves me so much that she compares him with me and even went on to rate him 2nd after me. She also discussed 1000 reasons why she loves me so much and why she is not able to forget me. He is sometimes not nice to her. He sometimes behaves like maniac, she told me that once he tried to physically hurt her as well. May be I am exaggerating this part.
This guy looked obsessed with her as she is beautiful and very polite. Two days back we had a conversation for about 40-45 minutes but at the end the conclusion was - let her decide and whatever be the decision, both of would except. During all these (4-5) days me and her are talking to each other over messages. This guy has been spying on her phone, emails and chatting applications. Forcefully asking her to block me and doing all sorts of desperate things.
Yesterday, I and she agreed to have at least a go with full throttle for convincing her parents. We know there is nothing right or wrong in these matters. There is no definite set of rules which will lead us to our marriage. But one thing we want to make sure that we don’t goof up and commit any sort of wrong thing that can cause any fatal damage to our relationship with my or her parents.
Off course, I understand that eventually her parents will agree once they will find us happy together. But right now she is very low in self-esteem/confidence, very week in taking any decision and very very disturbed as everyone is blaming her including me. I regret. That moment when I said few things which I should not have but I sorted out that with her.
I am much scarred of two things – What if she breaks down and leave the hope of even trying as she did earlier. Because she has no one to share, talk or console in Dubai. She is a very hostile environment. She lives with her uncle and aunt as her father has a office accommodation so she is staying with her uncle’s place. Although they are doctors by profession but they are very very orthodox in these matters. The other thing I am/we afraid of is this guy’s behavior. Now he knows everything and I don’t know how much he can screw us. Because he seems to desperate to win her back that he can make things ugly in front of her family members. Which would not be a good scene.
Can this be taken care in a dignified way? Which may not lead to any disrespect for her family?
Secondly, how exactly we should approach this situation? We are very much into each other, but at the same time neither me nor she is willing to put things in really bad shape. Off course, I admit that there will be difficult times in order to turn around things for us. What do you suggest?
I thought of asking her to flee from Dubai and come to Bangalore and get married in front of my parents and go with everyone to her home at Udipi along with my family members and friends and request her mom and dad to accept us or burry us here. We are at their disposal.
One thing I know, her mom, dad and her brother likes me to much so I have the feeling that they will agree eventually. But because they like me and I respect them a lot, I am also not able to say it upfront to her that lets ruin their happiness. I spoke to her mom 3 days back and requested her again and she kept on talking to me for 40-45 minutes consoling me that she cannot say yes to my parents.
Yesterday, when my girl told her mom about the relationship, she only said nasty things to her and cursed her saying that you have ruined his happiness as well. “That guy is so genuine that I cannot fight with her and that is why I am so quite.”
Please help us/ guide us how to save our relationship keeping things as calm as possible. I don’t see that is happening. That is why I am writing to you.
I love my girl and I personally can go on to do anything to win her from her parents. She is very low in confidence but equally in love with me. She thinks that her mom and dad would kill themselves if she takes any such decision of rebelling with them.
I don’t want to loose her and so does she. But we are not able to find a way out of this tricky situation. Also this guy is also a pain in the neck now.

Hi Dear Friend,

Thanks for those words of appreciation towards this forum. Thank You for building your trust on us.


Nothing much to worry about your case. Everything seems to be sorted out, I presume. Her mother likes you, no doubt, but is afraid of her society, reputation and their Muslim culture. But I can sense somewhere, that she is weak from withing when it comes to her daughter's happiness.

Two things that need to be taken care of -:

1) Ask your girlfriend to decline completely the proposal that has come along her way ( the other guy you've mentioned about).
This will clear the picture in his and her family member's head to much extent. Let him know, his proposal was accepted
under emotional force and not by will. This is also done with a view of avoiding things that might become really ugly if your
girl ties a knot with him. You never know. It feels really bad to hear that you're not the first priority to the person you like.
And, this might hurt someone who is high on ego. This might, no one knows, can change things later in a really bad manner.
So, its better to avoid. She can get married to any other person, but now, not him. Ask her to clearly communicate this to
her elders.

2) Her mother is emotional and for whatever you're, you would definitely be her first priority, had you been a Muslim. The only thing that's stopping her is the society and "what-people-will-say" fear. Try to get more emotional with her. Be affirmative and firm that you love her daughter and you could do any damn thing to get her. Be crisp, be clear. Make her realize that she is doing really bad to her own child by marrying her to someone whom she can belong to, crushing all her dreams and desires. Society will say but to some extend. What's the point in impressing the society when you own child will curse you for your deeds. You go on impressing the society and make a good image of yours in their eye, but what's the point when deep within you feel the pain of committing the wrong you did, to your own child. Nothing seems peaceful then. And still this society will keep complaining about everything or laughing at you. First satisfy yourself, then think of satisfying others. Right ?

What's most important today is Love, a mutual understanding and mutual respect, and not, the society. You both respect each other and that's what matter. She will never be able to respect that guy, or any other guy, for that matter, whom she is married to. Will she, no ? So, eventually, that would be a "taken-for-granted-relationship/marriage".

So, ask your girl to talk to her mother and stay clear on her reasons. Its genuinely justified that parents will try their level best to bring you down emotionally giving you every sort of a reason. They just try to break you down and agree to what they have to say. But if things go wrong, in an arrange marriage, all parents got to say is "Sorry Dear ! We did a mistake in choosing your partner. But what can be done now, try to ADJUST". Understand, its your life and its a matter of entire lifetime. Relationships can happen twice or thrice, but marriages happen for once. If it fails, you're left with nothing. And I don't understand, how marrying a person in the same community can guarantee a safe and secure, loving future for your child? It cannot.

So, you need to explain to her all these things and make a promise to her that you're going to keep her daughter in comforts and love, not less than her parents, forever.