What should be correct outlook on previous relationships of spouse?

Hi all,

I have been born and brought up in a conservative environment and consider premarital dating undesirable. I have never attempted to date.

Recently my family has started to search for a bride for me. To every girl I meet, I end up asking her that whether she has had a relationship (if yes then was it sexual). Most of the girls say yes (to both). Needless to mention I get to receive a lot of unwelcoming words.

I have my insecurities towards such.
First, in every husband and wife relationship there is going to be some amount of quarrel. As far as I have seen (in my college) that the "couples" tend to behave very nice and loving in front of each other. I can share that the men don't use the same kind of words in front of their girlfriends as they do in front of guys (I guess now they are doing). What I mean to say that they show what is good in them more often to keep up the girl. So barely they quarrel. When they marry to a different person, and suppose they quarrel, tend to compare them with their ex-es (one of my friends said literally that "she" was much better than you, divorced now). This creates a wedge in their relationship.

If they marry the same person then the expectation from the spouse will be much higher (similar reasons). When they don't meet up their expectations, they tend to separate.

Second, This is a trustability issue. Many people will condemn me on this. If I marry a girl who has had sexual relationships in past, her ex-boyfriend can come up later (and above mentioned reason) she can leave me. Or she can have an extramarital fling with someone else. That trust I can't have so easily. Agreed to the fact that this is possible with someone who never had a relationship and the girl may be loyal to her husband but still somewhere my heart does not get convinced and I will never be able to trust my wife.

I wanted to ask that this outlook of mine is it correct? Am I being narrow minded. What then is the correct outlook to this. And please if possible provide me an example of a couple where wife has had some sexual relationships in past (may be more than one) and is now loyal to the person. No fictional stories. Real life stories and verifiable details. As far as I have seen no such example is available (wife is either having an extramarital affair or the couple has separated).

PS: I request guidance, not criticism. I understand I may not be correct or entirely wrong, but these are my insecurities I am sharing with you all. Kindly don't use demeaning or insulting statements. Also for those of you who say that there is nothing wrong in extramarital affairs and we need to live with it, please ignore this, I am not interested to hear this on the name of being progressive and modern. I don't want to be that insensitive to ignore other person's heartbreak.
A humble request, please don't forward this to any media (social or otherwise). I don't want to be criticised for having asked a correct outlook for the popularity of a post.

Hello there,

Everyone has their own outlook towards relationships. You have insecurities that concern you, which is understandable.
Relationships are quite complex, and there is no one fit solution for all. I have seen many relationships over time, so i
can tell you a bit about those.

It is not to say that those who have never
dated or never been in a relationship prior to marriage all have good marriages. Even some of them did end up in divorces.

And at the same time, there are couples in relationships from teen years(even physical), who are still in happy marriages.
It is not to say that they did not have their share of ups and downs and glitches along the ways, but it was work and effort to pull it together.

There are some who have had relationships, even physical, but due to unforseen circumstances(parents,society pressures, destiny etc) broke up to fit into the society norms.
There are some who have had relationships(physical also), who have realized that they are not good for each other, some hated each other , some felt that they were not compatible and broke up.
Some have realized that after an arranged unhappy marriage, that their ex was better,
Some on the other hand have had an arranged happy marriages.

And there is a couple who never had relationships before, both had arranged marriages, cheated on their spouses, since they fell in love with each other, and got divorced to their spouses and ended up happily marrying each other and loyal to each other.

There are all sorts in this world.

So what is required is this: love, compatibility, understanding, caring(it may not be all the time), sincerity, faithfulness,
trustworthiness, acceptability, adaptability, mutual respect, effort.
It depends on couples character, personality, behavior. And it is also the couples parents, family members, friends,
work and home atmosphere that can also play a role.

But there is also GODs grace and luck to find that one.



Boyfriend - girlfriend relationships are different from a married life.

At any rate, my advice for you would be this, if you have insecurities, then address those(since you dont want
those to creep up after marriage, since the girl can be friendly to others but still be loyal to you,but still
your doubts and fears should not poke into your married life.

If you fall in love in the process of looking for someone, naturally you may understand and adapt,even if she had a relationship before.

If you dont, find someone who is similar to you, who had not had a physical relationship in the past. Get to know the person well, her likes, dislikes, interests, behavior, character and personality. you need not go on dating, just be together
in a family setting or family gatherings or with amongst friends, till you are comfortable with each other.


Dating was also meant to make the couple know about each other. If you dont believe in it, then do
what you feel is right for you with a different twist.
But do not marry the person without knowing a little about your compatibilities.


Hope this will help.

=================================================


And pray to GoD daily(for GOD is love) and help couples and singles seeking love and marriage as much as possible, so that positive karma/action will bring love into your life.

Wish you the best,
Dr.Sky
(Allopathic Dr, Relationship Advisor,
Spiritualist)