parents don't want me to get married to my bf of 8 yrs, have another guy lined up

me and my bf have been together for last 8 yrs and we want to get married. his parents have no objections whatsoever, his family adores me but my parents don't want me to even mention his name. the reasons that they give me -
1. he belongs to different caste, higher caste than ours. they think his relatives would be arrogant and will mock us in family gatherings.
2. I'm a doctor, he's pursuing MBA from an average b-school. they think he's not qualified enough for me and he wants to marry me only because i'm a doctor even though our relationship began a long time before i joined med school.
3. he has much more money than us hence he will be arrogant (according to my parents), he is anything but that.
4. he is 7 yrs older than me, he is 31, i'm 24.

my argument -
1. he has been faithful to me for all these years, he is my best friend and loves me unconditionally.
2. he's been there for me even in times when my parents were not.
3. 8 yrs is a lot of time, we are practically husband and wife.
4. he has more than enough money to support me and to pay for my further education abroad.
5. he alone runs the entire family business and has expanded it a lot since he took charge, basically from lakhs to crores while still in b-school, hence i think is intelligent enough.

now my parents have found some engineer guy from abroad who belongs to our caste and want me to marry him. they have set a date for my engagement to him next month without telling me. I've been trying to convince them for last 3 months but to no avail.
now we are considering court marriage. what do you think i should do?

Hi kate&gary,


This issue is pretty serious to handle and I can very well realize how difficult it must have been for you to tackle with all this.
See, practically yes you both are sort of husband-wife with 8 years of commitment to each other and it leaves no doubt how awesome couple you both have been so far.

But the problem has started now and it needs to be handle immediately.

First thing comes first, you are, definitely, not willing to marry the guy your parents have searched for you and that this marriage or engagement should be called off immediately. Try to establish a contact with that guy anyhow, talk to him or meet him personally and make him understand you want to delay this marriage for some personal reasons ( could be your studies or anything ). I said delay this marriage and not cancel it up because I feel cancelling this marriage giving him the reason that you love someone else, will bring you at a point where everybody might point at you for hurting your parents emotions. But if you feel you have the guts to take it on your face( if it happens ) then you can cancel this marriage by giving him the real reason.

Next is to convince your parents. Try talking to your man and ask him if his family is ready for the match ? Your parents only concern is to see you happy at all cost. So, if they are not getting convinced, you can try to convince your man's family first. If his parents agree to the match then you both can allow the elders sit and do the talking. Sometimes it happens that parents don't understand our word because they feel we are young and immature to take such big decisions but once you introduce elders into the discussion, it becomes more of a understanding and serious discussion.

So this is something that you guys can do. But first, you need to delay or end your marriage fixed with that engineer guy. Canceling the marriage with the engineer guy will give a clear indication to your parents too that you are pretty serious with your 8 years long relationship and that they should consider your idea seriously and address this on priority.

But hey, everything comes with a caution. This is a really big step that you will take. Have a word with your boyfriend, think and then take a decision and it should be only yours. The choice is upto you to make. Take a wise decision !!!

thanks for taking out time to reply, Pulkit. I called off the engagement with this engineer guy and asked my parents to talk to my guy and his parents but they just won't agree to even talk to them. they said i'd rather be a spinster for life than marry a guy from the caste to which he belongs to. tell me how to respond to that?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kate&gary

thanks for taking out time to reply, Pulkit. I called off the engagement with this engineer guy and asked my parents to talk to my guy and his parents but they just won't agree to even talk to them. they said i'd rather be a spinster for life than marry a guy from the caste to which he belongs to. tell me how to respond to that?

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Hi kate&gary,

Thank you for replying back. Its my pleasure to help you come out of this problem.

Yes they will say this because you have done something beyond their expectations. Dear, try to understand, they are your parents and they anyhow, would love to see you happy and secure. We here only try to solve your problem. No one can guarantee that you will get what you ought to if you follow us. I am saying all this because I feel your parents are really adamant on this caste issue and anyhow they are not willing to marry you to your boyfriend. I will never advice you to elope and marry the person of your choice keeping your parents in darkness. The idea I am hinting out here is, the end result of this tussle can be negative as well as positive. Now its on you to decide what way to choose if things go really wrong? You can only streach this tussle to some defined limit. Beyond that whatever you'll do, will entirely be your decision.

Now, coming to your point how to respond - all you can do is rest this matter for a while. Let the things settle down and let your parents analyse and understand on their own how intensely you love your boyfriend and how important he is for you. For couple of days, weeks, just sit tight and keep mum. Its really required that this disturbed environment should calm down. After this you can try talking to your parents again.

This time try communicating with someone who you feel understands you best in family, like your mother. Sit with her, talk to her on practical and emotional terms and try to make her understand marrying you to someone else will simply ruin three lives- yours and your husband's and your boyfriend's, which she has no rights to do so. Explain it to her how will caste matter if you will have no feelings or attachments for your husband. Things will drag and eventually one day they might end up in divorce after marriage. Explain them the things mixing all your emotional and practical reasons. Justify how and why you consider him as best suited for you and stuff.

But as of now, keep calm and please avoid getting into any heated discussions or arguments with your parents. Anger only narrows down one's thinking capacity. So involve in discussions but do it calmly.

My wishes are with you...!!!


Also, I would like to know what conversation you had with that "engineer guy" and what reason you gave him for calling off this engagement? I would appreciate if you can throw some light on this.

hi,kate&gary

The best thing what u can do is not to entertain marriage talks with your parents, and be stubborn on what you wanted to do, parents out of anger tell all this things, bt later seeing ur stubborn ness they might comedown,, tell me about ur parents in general abt ur dad and mom, do u have relatives or family friends who can tell about this things to parents, how good is the guys parents and family bcos, at the end of the day they have to be good people too. ur education age and other things doesnt matter when it comes to love... be strong in ur hold.