A confused woman seeks advice- Fights with Husband this other friend

Hi


I'm a married housewife (Name removed) of 28 years and had an arranged marriage 2 years back. Me and my hubby (Name Removed) love and care for each other very much at times (when the time is good, though it's rare). But we keep on fighting almost daily for various small and big reasons. Let me tell you the fight intensity is big. We even beat each other during such fights. I cry very frequently and have even attempted suicide. Basically, our marriage is more of not working, but we can't divorce due to our family background.


There is a close childhood male friend of mine (OtherPerson-Name Removed). We parted in our early days only as our parents got transferred to different cities and we almost forgot each other. A year before my marriage, incidentally we discovered each other through a social networking site (he is also married now). Since then, we are talking/chatting almost on a daily basis for last 3 years and have become very close. We live in different cities now and haven't met for like 20 years or so. None of our spouses know that we've someone so close in our life.


Due to my differences with Hubby, I discuss all my personal things with this friend now (even things that only a hubby is ought to know). Honestly, this friend is more aware than my husband of what is going on in my life, be it big or small. He listens to me very patiently and never complains or ignores me unless he is very busy with his office work or wife. He loves his wife very much and gives his full time to his wife when he is home. But he hasn't told her about me for he feels his wife might doubt our friendship.


Now the problem: Over the time, I have gone so emotional for this friend that I can't imagine a life without him. Once he was traveling and was not available for a week. I can't tell you how I felt during that week. It was like I have been deprived of oxygen (he is not aware that I need him emotionally so much). On the other hand, this friend is sexually unsatisfied with his wife and recently asked for sexual favors from me. Though I don't want to sleep with him (I have high sexual desires but I'm very much sexually satisfied with Rahul), but I'm feared that if I deny this friend, he would probably stop talking to me and I would become virtually lifeless.


Kindly help what should I do. Please don't suggest to forget him. I have tried that and know I can't do that.

Hi, welcome to eTI..

First of all, I want to tell you that you so far the best thing you have done about your situation is looking for advice from someone unbiased through platform like this. I believe should you chosen similar path long ago then by now could have a stable life and relation.

Now coming to your question, what all you have written is total recipe of disaster, you said your relationship with husband is bad to the point that you want to get divorce but you can't due to family commitments, but have you ever tried to find out why issue is there at first place ? Is it money, financial problem, or Husband's behaviour or certain things, or its his family member causing trouble for you , its children or.. what is the reason of this negativity in relation with your husband ?

You said you both care and love each other very much at times.. but thats rare.. you know what happened wrong with your life.. it is that you both were expecting a lot from each other and none of you realized that its all GIVE and TAKE issue.. ie. if you give you LOVE, you get LOVE.. if you have hatred then person in front of you automatically starts behaving as enemy.

Now, there are generally two types of people, first those who love to show off emotions, while the second type is generally introvert, they tend to love you from their deepest feelings but bad in showing off.. I think your husband is kind of person who is not aware that showing off emotion is also equally important. And this in turn made you feel that he is somehow not taking care of you, not really interested to know about your issues and pain and gradually you both drifted apart so much that now things are in very critical stage.

I am deliberately avoiding <THE FRIEND> here as we will come to that later. So, you need to understand, like you
your husband is also looking for affection and care from your side too. But problem is that you both are so much frustrated with this relation that even small things turns violent. Please do let me know where I am wrong about my views..

Hence, the gap between both of you is widening day by day. It can only be mended if one of you develop patience and get committed to improve relationship. Since here you are asking for help, I suggest you that for next 3 days, interact with your husband as usual but try to with him as much as possible but don't get irritated for any of his action, even if he is pointing out your error or fault. Don't argue for 3 days, just think that for 3 days, you will not get angry to test out things. Even if he is shouting madly, don't reply or reply with limited words because when a person is angry or frustrated, his logic gets weaker and he hardly listen to anyone apart of himself. I am sure, in these three days you will see a big change. When he is in front of you, look happier, try to be presentable and make him special.. I am sure he will change seeing you changed..

Now coming to your <The Friend>, well its not bad to have someone in your life to discuss things but he came at a time where you were looking for emotional support and he gave that to you, definitely talking to him should make you feel good as you find him more caring and understanding... but that doesn't mean you have to cheat your husband. You discussed intimate things with him, thats fine but being dependent on him is wrong.

Even further, when he said that he need sexual favour from you then I don't think he is your true friend, you know if some how or in any circumstances, you and your friend's sexual affair comes to knowledge of your husband or this Friend's wife, it will ruin life of many people including you, your friend, her wife, your husband, your family member, his family member.. children of both couples and will be life long impact. For what, for sexual desires..

But thats other thing if he is willing to divorce her wife and marry you, then will be different story.

You know, what if your husband gets to know about it, then what will happen to your family commitments you mentioned earlier ?

Well, so, in brief, I am not asking to end relation with your FRIEND or asking to forget him, rather I am asking you to first try to mend your RELATION with husband, try this 3 days experiment, revert back to us and be honest to follow it. After that, we can discuss further . For these three days, avoid talking to your friend, tell him you have guests at home so won't be able to talk.

Its too late here, I had plan to answer you tomorrow but then decided to do it now..

God Bless You!

Hello welcome first of all on the forum,
I appreciate your courage to write about your family issues and seeking for advice on unbiased platform like this, it requires a lot of courage to put your heart out to someone you don't really know.
Now coming to your problem, See I understand that every marriage relationship have to face this kind of problems in life, that doesn't mean either you or your husband doesn't care or love for each other.
I strongly agree with Aarish here, you guys though face the problem of differences in your opinions and fight on every thing whether small or big, the main reason behind this is both of you guys are not ready to understand each others point, you value your ego more than your relationship.
As Aarish said, I too will suggest you to take the 3 day experiment and see what result it brings to you, it will surely be more satisfying and new to you.
Moreover I would like to suggest you, take the words of your husband lightly and do not over react on any offensive comment also, this will not only help to improve your relation with your husband but in future will also help to develop patience and tolerance in you which is beneficial for you.
Now coming to your friend, surely enough the situations that prevail in your home and husband have forced you to look for a person who cares for you and listens every problem of yours. And you have got that person in your friend that makes you to get inclined and emotionally attached with him.
But, If he demands sexual favours from you in return to what he is doing, trust me he is not your true friend, and yes as Aarish said if you say yes to his demand and it comes to light of your husband or his wife, this will ruin the life of all four of you.
Your friend says that he loves his wife, and if your relation comes in light of any of the your spouses, it will worsen your relation with your hubby, but it will lead to worsen the marriage of your friend also, and the reason would be your own selfish desires of not losing your friend and saying yes to your friends desires.
Trust me once you go for mending your relation with your hubby and develop an understanding with that person, you will not require any one else to be so close to you except your hubby.
Your thinking about not able to live without that friend of yours is an illusion juzz because your own desires and expectations are satisfied by this friend of yours, imagine a situation when both you and your husband are caring for each other and loving each other dearly, listening each others words patiently and supporting each other in their decision, what life that would be, rather trusting any other person and expecting the life from him, create the same in the current and present family you live in.