Afraid to tell father about my Love and boyfriend

Hi Guys,

I am living abroad and pursuing my masters at the moment. I am in love with a guy from last year and half and we both want to marry. His parents are aware of our relationship and are happy about it but before they give green flag for our marriage they want to know what my parents have to say about our relationship.

Now the problem is in my family only my mother and some relatives know about my relationship except my father. I can't tell my father for next two months because my studies finish in next two months and don't want to spoil it. If my father comes to know about our relationship he will be angry and upset and take me back India. At the moment he also finding someone to get me married and always ask to send some photographs or to talk some or the other guy. I cant say anything to him but just do what he says for the sake of my studies.

Now my mother also says she is not going to support me because she is very scared of my father and they anyway don't have a good relationship between them. Also once my studies finish my father is planning to come and take me back to India. I am sure if I go back my life in India will be hell and they will get me married to some one else.

My mother says that I should take my own decision and don't come to India even if my father emotionally blackmail me by saying I will die and so forth.

So i am in dilemma now what should I do? If i stay back my father will break his relationship with me and also he will not be happy if I tell him about my boyfriend in next two months. If i go back to India my life will be spoil due to my relatives as they will pressurize to marry someone else.

I asked my boyfriend that we can do court marriage but he is not in favor of that.
So i am in a mess at the moment cry almost everyday but can't find a solution to this. Please friends help me out. Give me some ideas how can I improve my situation. I don't want to go back to India.

hi guys any sort of advise would be helpful. Everyday I keep thinking of this situation. I really love my bf and he also does but I am dead sure my father will not accept our relationship as he is aggressive in nature and at this stage he doesn't even know about my relation.

Hi sameeksha,


Couple of things I noticed in your problem statement which I would like to enumerate here,

Firstly, things are good at your side. I didn't feel anything wrong or bad about it. There is actually nothing to worry about.
Now you would wonder why? So, here is the answer. Analyse yourself completely. You are studying abroad which is a novelty in itself and to no doubt you must be doing good, which cancels the point that you have to worry too much about your future and how will you manage yourself in the time to come. Same would go with your boyfriend too. So, in a way your father should not worry about your future, financial stuff because anyways you both are capable of handling it.

Adding to it is that you have your love( your boyfriend ) besides you who is very caring and supportive. There are many of us who are not always in a happy relationship. But you are and that gives a clear picture that, considering all the affection, love, understanding and respect you guys have for each other, your marriage will be a success.

And the fact that his parents are ready with this match and have a little or no objection leaves no doubt with me that you will be readily welcomed and accepted by his family all over. This actually is a very good thing. When one family is ready, especially in case of girls, the chances of convincing the other party increases. Here, since his parents have already given this marriage a nod, your family should not feel any uncomfortability in marrying you to him because for obvious reasons your in-laws are there to take care of you.

Also, the fact that your mother is well known to your relationship and ready for it acts as an add-on to the situation in a very positive manner. At any point in time if you fail to convince your father, your mother can take a step ahead and talk to him on your behalf and for your happiness. I understand, there are some glitches in every relationship and couples belonging to this age like that of your parents, fight more often. They have clash of issues, ideas and ideologies coupled up with egos but that doesn't mean they have a rotten relationship. For their daughter's happiness, every parent, howsoever bad their terms are with each other, come forward to talk about it. So, you are no way wrong if you are expecting your mother to help you sort out this issue.

Secondly, I went through your problem statement twice or thrice but didn't find anything which could give me an idea as to WHY will your father not agree to your relationship? Understand a very basic point. You are actually trying to give up here on a point that is not valid. Based on your presumptions you have taken things for granted that your father will never agree to your relationship. Why?? Without even talking to him about it once, how did you come to a conclusion that things will not work, is what I didn't understand in your query?
Above I have provided you all valid points that why this relationship will work, whats good about it and how easy things are on your end. Realize, every parent wants his child to be safe, secure and happy - mentally, physically & emotionally whomsoever he/she is with. Now if you are able to provide them with valid reasons that how their expectations are getting fulfilled, then I don't think so there will ever be any problem.

So, the point that I am trying to make here is, you have won 3/4th of the battle and now there is just 1/4th of it left. Don't come to any conclusions without attempting for it once. Go to your father and talk to him. Tell him truly how much you love your man, what importance he holds in your life and how impossible it is for you to even think about engaging yourself with someone else. There is a finite possibility that he might be ready for it, which again you don't know.

So go your home after you complete your studies, talk to your father about everything and put in all your efforts to convince him. You are educated, you know what to say, how to present your point and how to convince someone. Do everything after you have successfully completed your studies.

Moreover, since your father is coming up to your country to take you home, it can be a good chance to talk to him and fix a meeting between your father and your boyfriend and his family. This will give him a clear understanding of his family etc.

As of now, don't worry for atleast next 2 months. I don't want you to score less marks. Concentrate on your career right now. These things will be handled once you are through with the most important phase of your life - studies.




My wishes are with you. You can visit this forum anytime with almost any problem. Happy to help and sorry for replying you late.

Thank you Pulkit for great suggestion it has boosted up my confidence. Actually thing is i am scared to tell my father because he is very aggressive and dominating moreover since just childhood he has forced things on me and he is doing the same for getting me married. I have decided to tell him in June but now he doesn't plan to come here and instead wants me to go back India in July because he has seen couple of alliance for me and they will come to see me. I said I cant come due to some reasons politely and he shouted on me that every time I make excuse.
So at this stage it is getting bit difficult to handle him but will try my level best because what he does is he calls tell me to do this doesn't listen to what I have to say and disconnect the phone. But Your advice has honestly given me positive direction and will try not to think to much negative. Thank you very much.

Exactly, Sameeksha would like to tell you what Pulkit is saying is exactly true. No.1 you and your bf are staying abroad and the bf's family has given you a good ok for the marriage makes a situation very good, the other thing that you said is your mother knows about your relationship and she is also ready for it makes your situation more better. As Pulkit said, I too haven't found any thing apart from your father being stubborn and aggressive, and that is normal for many cases, all he needs is happiness for her daughter and security in respect of finance and life of her daughter, and as you said your father is going to come to you at your place of where you are currently studying, consider this as a one sole chance for you to convince you Dad. I will also suggest you to arrange a meeting of your bf's family with your Dad, let the elders have a talk between them and decide what needs to be done, from your part, I think you should make everything clear to your father ASAP because he might get a bit aggressive and would do all kind of threatening and emotional stuff and also force you to accept his decision but at the end of the day if you stay stubborn and keep up your decision of marrying only your bf then he might have to listen to you.
Can you describe some details about your bf regarding his residence, nature of his parents, the financial security and all???? so that I may say anything further on it.

Hi Swapnil,
Thank you so much for your reply actually my boy friend and me are in a relationship from last year and half he is 27 and I am 24. His family lives in Punjab in India. He is very caring in nature, supported me all the times and have maturity to handle the relationship. He told his family about our relationship over the phone and not in front of me and he said his mother is convinced from me because she liked my photographs and I will be talking to her mother in one or two days.
my bf drinks occasionally which i don't mind because he cares for me and loves me alot and same goes for me.
Swapnil you might have misinterpreted my thing my mother is not in favor of my relationship and she said she is not going to support me at all and I cant pressure her much as she suffers from diabetes.
My massi supports me but she wont say anything to my father so I have talk to my father directly. Now there is a change in my father plan instead of he coming here he is forcing me and threatening me over the phone to come back to India as he has seen few marriage alliances for me.
Now my mother, massi and everyone saying don't go to india as my father will force me and emotional blackmail me and will get me married to some other guy. If I stay back in Australia here m father will disown me from family and break relationship from me that what he has said to me many a times. Hence I am in a dilemma what should I do I Love my boy friend but don't trust him blindly what if I leave my family for him and he refuse to accept me later on.
The thing that crosses my mind is I cant leave a father for a man who I have known from last year and half only. At the same time I don't want to leave my boy friend because he is a very nice man and he has all qualities of a life partner.
Even my mother and massi everyone says that my dad will be dead against for my marriage with my boy friend. I am not presuming it but I am not expecting much from my father that he will accept our relationship because I am aware of his aggressive and violent nature.

See the point here I want to make is, you will never know or understand the decision of your father unless you make him sit and have a good chat about your future, You have repeatedly said that he is aggressive and he will force his decision on you and that is why you are not approaching him to talk. And you can not wait too long for having a talk with him otherwise it would be too late and of no use once he makes his mind to make you marry the person of his choice, he will do all the kind of emotional drama stuff to make you accept his decision but if you stay firm on your decision he will have to break down his ego "Aakhir Bacho ki zid ke aage kabhi na kabhi Gharwalo ko Jhukna hi Padta hai" and you too are capable enough to fight with your dad for you life.
I am happy to hear that you are actually not ready to leave your father for a guy whom you know from just 1.5 years or so, but at the same time, if you want that your wish should be accepted you will have to communicate your wish to your dad first, I know it is quite difficult for you to open your mouth infront of your father and you have to talk with him about your life which makes it much more difficult for you.
Koi acha sa mauka dekho or apne papa se aapke relationship ke bare me baat karo. I need to ask you here is, does your bf really love you, and will he stand infront of your father to support you in convincing him for this marriage??? what do you have to say on it????

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Originally Posted by sameeksha

Thank you Pulkit for great suggestion it has boosted up my confidence. Actually thing is i am scared to tell my father because he is very aggressive and dominating moreover since just childhood he has forced things on me and he is doing the same for getting me married. I have decided to tell him in June but now he doesn't plan to come here and instead wants me to go back India in July because he has seen couple of alliance for me and they will come to see me. I said I cant come due to some reasons politely and he shouted on me that every time I make excuse.
So at this stage it is getting bit difficult to handle him but will try my level best because what he does is he calls tell me to do this doesn't listen to what I have to say and disconnect the phone. But Your advice has honestly given me positive direction and will try not to think to much negative. Thank you very much.

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Hi sameeksha,

Welcome back !!

I very well understand how your father is. He must be dominating and aggressive which is in his nature, but you need to realize, its your life and his egos, dominance and aggressiveness shouldn't ruin things for you.
You have been an obedient daughter so far, good at academics and if still he "forces" something on you just to satisfy his ego or dominance, then obviously you are not wrong in raising your voice against him.
But if he is right and justified, then being your father he has all rights to stop you from doing anything which is not good for you. So that brings me to a point that you should not make a bad image of him in your mind before approaching him. I am saying this because, knowing your father's nature, its evident he will put some objections on your relationship. I don't want that you start hating him ( may be ) for his nature because being your father he will always think for your good. Instead, I want you to sit with him and try to connect with him on reasons he'll give to support his ideas.

You are born and brought up in a good educated family, you yourself are educated and hence I expect you to discuss and debate on this issue seriously instead of giving it up, if you are right.

So, don't worry as of now. Concentrate on your exams and smile, come on !!!

Hi Swapnil and Pulkit,

Thank you guys once again for listening to my problem.
Yes my bf really loves me alot and I love him too. So far I am convinced that he will support me but I cant trust him 100%. I love him but not blindly that I wont act sensibly that why I am double minded. He says his family has no problem accepting me but only thing is if my family creates some issues his family might also say no because he has younger sister and if we run and get married it will affect her future life. So what option I am left with is to convince my father and I have to tell him in 1 month time when I will finish my exams and then just see how he has to say. On top of that my mother says that he will not support me no matter what but at the end of the day I feel he is my father he has soft corner for me I guess I need to talk to him and as Pulkit and you are saying that I cant conclude anything without talking to him. Everyone suggest me my mother and massi that if I want to be with my bf I would have to leave my father but some how my heart doesnt agree to this. I don't have guts to leave my father but it depends on circumstances as well. I believe in saibaba alot and have left on him now just waiting for his miracle to happen.

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Originally Posted by sameeksha

Hi Swapnil and Pulkit,

Thank you guys once again for listening to my problem.
Yes my bf really loves me alot and I love him too. So far I am convinced that he will support me but I cant trust him 100%. I love him but not blindly that I wont act sensibly that why I am double minded. He says his family has no problem accepting me but only thing is if my family creates some issues his family might also say no because he has younger sister and if we run and get married it will affect her future life. So what option I am left with is to convince my father and I have to tell him in 1 month time when I will finish my exams and then just see how he has to say. On top of that my mother says that he will not support me no matter what but at the end of the day I feel he is my father he has soft corner for me I guess I need to talk to him and as Pulkit and you are saying that I cant conclude anything without talking to him. Everyone suggest me my mother and massi that if I want to be with my bf I would have to leave my father but some how my heart doesnt agree to this. I don't have guts to leave my father but it depends on circumstances as well. I believe in saibaba alot and have left on him now just waiting for his miracle to happen.

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You are welcome Sameeksha. Do give us a follow up when you talk to your parents about this. You can come up to us anytime.
All the best for your exams !!!

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Originally Posted by sameeksha

Hi Swapnil and Pulkit,

Thank you guys once again for listening to my problem.
Yes my bf really loves me alot and I love him too. So far I am convinced that he will support me but I cant trust him 100%. I love him but not blindly that I wont act sensibly that why I am double minded. He says his family has no problem accepting me but only thing is if my family creates some issues his family might also say no because he has younger sister and if we run and get married it will affect her future life. So what option I am left with is to convince my father and I have to tell him in 1 month time when I will finish my exams and then just see how he has to say. On top of that my mother says that he will not support me no matter what but at the end of the day I feel he is my father he has soft corner for me I guess I need to talk to him and as Pulkit and you are saying that I cant conclude anything without talking to him. Everyone suggest me my mother and massi that if I want to be with my bf I would have to leave my father but some how my heart doesnt agree to this. I don't have guts to leave my father but it depends on circumstances as well. I believe in saibaba alot and have left on him now just waiting for his miracle to happen.

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Its completely my pleasure to help you Sameeksha, and yes, will love to hear any updates regarding your talk with your father, an educated person like you should not loose hopes and give it right away infront of your father you should be a fighter, never turn down your weapons before trying, you never know what will come out from your inner soul out and you might be able to convince your father for your marriage with your bf, but all this will only happen if you dare to think out of box and have a deep chat with your father about your relationship and your bf. Go out there infront of your father with confidence and strong belief that you have made it through by convincing your father for your marriage and see what miracles will happen you will then realize the hidden potential that you have to win any thing you want to win...go ahead win your fathers heart and enjoy a loving and caring lovely married life with the one you love.