Confusion in love relation - can't forget my past love and his past

Im a 20 year old girl . People seek me for relationship advice and have always comforted them. Now, there is this confusion , for the past 6 months almost. First year, first time i met. Both of us were committed. He to another girl, and me to my school best friend.

Before all this , Never wanted anything in life, the best institution , best parents , and the best guy who i expected wud stay with me forever (first love). cudnt ask for nything much. Things got worse when he dumped me. Things were going against me. My best friend left me cos he got commited and dint have time to listen to my worries. Faced the worst times. Learnt a lot from everything that happened during that phase of my life.Never wanted another commitment . Got to know people and things change with time. i was so focused and having a normal life with my other friends at college. and this is when he came into my life.

He actually was in my life for the past 2 yrs, as i mentioned earlier he was comitd to another girl. i know tha girl and she s awesome. infact i v teased him with her. Both are my very good friends. He was too much in love with her. but shit happens to the nicer ones. yeah , they had to break up. Cos of family problems. And the time when he broke up, that was when i was trying to get over my first love. and to an extent i was over him. This guy was in depression for almost six months , he never spoke to nyone, he was in sorrow. All of us felt so bad for him. One semester passed by then. He got back almost to his normal sense. He s an awesome guy, any girl would want to be by his side. I never ever had imagined wanting to be with him. But things started to change slowly, we started to talk over the phone, he used to irritate me, eventually became best friends. And then one day came , when i actually thought to myself , oh so do i like him more than a friend? but suddenly brushed away my thoughts. i felt guilty for thinking like that. cos i knew he considered me his best friend and knowing itsy bitsy pieces about him and his prev relationship , i dint even want to take this thought of mine seriously. A month passed, we went for a college trip , one week. That week , so many changes. I liked him. I really did. I knew it. I knew i was falling for him. I also knew it was inappropriate for me to expect him to have feelings for me as well. He s one these Non flirty types, gem of a guy, he would nt even touch a girl while posing for a picture. that kinda guy. So i knew i l never have the guts to ask him out. So i just had it within me. Never thought i d confess i like him .All this happened during the trip. The last day of the trip , i randomnly looked at him, and was surprised to have caught him looking at me. I turned back immediately. i felt ashamed. cos i had this feeling he got to understand what was running through my mind. I just tried to not look at him after that. we met during dinner. I was normal. he was NOT. i sure knew something was going through his mind. failed to understand what it was. And he came closer, he said he wanted to talk to me about something. I had instant shivers. I confirmed to myself that he got to know my liking for him and he was going to talk to me about that. I said il text him going back to the hotel. He said NO. come outside . I went outside. and all my classmates were there , so we cudnt actually talk. Later i went to the hotel room. There was a text from him , there? im like yea tell me. What happened? And this was his next message, it said,
'See , I dont want a reply , im not expecting one, i dont even know if we l talk after this, but i have to tell you this, I love you, so very much. Im sorry . Please dont reply. bye"
I had tears. that was a shock. i dint know wat to do. who to share with. I was happy and confused. Happy cos , you know i liked him too. Confused cos, he still hasnt got over that girl completely as far as i know, so how cud he just tell me tis. may be out of longing for affection , i thought to myself and slept off.
Later college. We were like the same old friends. Atleast pretending to be so. I knew he has this liking for me and so does he. We were friends when we were at collge , but actually more than friends. I mean we sure had feelings. that was so obvious. No love yous, no mushy mesages. two simple people. the eyes did the talking. This is when the confusion started.
One randomn day , we spoke so much , that at the end of the conversation , i was made to confront myself . that i love him. He was SO happy. never i had seen him so happy before. He never said nything back. But he was happy. AND he s this person with masssiveeee mood swings. one minute he is fine , the next minute he is not. So i knew he d forget my love you the next day and pretend like the old friend. To my surprise. He said love you back , the next night, for the second time. CONFUSED. M i commited or is it jus the liking phase or is he going to break my heart again or jus an infactuation?
One week later , i met him at his place. just the two of us. We spoke so much. He said he loved me. i said i loved him too. But also knew things wudnt work out btw us, for him cos he d never forget his first love and will always be there in his thoughts yet he s never liked another girl except for me this way. I said ,honestly i feel the same . Instead of taking this seriously, let be practical and forget watever happened. Things were over within a week.
Later , this is when things began to get worse. i had this emptiness. I missed him as i dont know what. I really liked him. it was like i missed this awesome person in life. 2 months passed. few of our friends got to know a bit of what happened btw us and started to tease . WORSER. now its been a month since collge started after a month s vacation. I clearly can see that he likes me. A LOT. i feel the same way. It feels like i need to have him in my life. people tease us, and he s FINE about that. Im surprised. He gives me the smile. He gives me the positiv signs. BUT im also thinking im imagining stuff.somedays he doesnt even bother to talk to me. he doesnt even reply to my texts. I dont want to ask him a spoil things. We are tooo goood as best friends. SEE CONFUSION. i dont even know how to end this. I really need help.
He likes me,should i go for him ? or should i just forget whatever i have for him, if i shud. how to get over him/cos i see him everyday. Everytime i see him , i fall for him all over again. I also know he likes mee. May be he s giving it time? or may be IM IMAGINING ALL OF THIS?


IM SO SORRY FOR SUCHA HUGE POST. I NEED HELP :(

Oh God, you have messed it all. Why creating so much confusion where there is every thing clear. You know what, your problem is that you are afraid to get into relation again. Do you even realize it ?

I really dont know. :/ I m fine being this way. But still something s missing somewhere. There is this emptiness,I cant even explain. I realy dono.

Certainly there is emptiness, your previous relationship is over and then there is this guy when things are good from both sides, you both are looking for some support and you both found each other at right time, when everything is right, you are doing it wrong. First of all you should ditch the feeling of insecurity , secondly, live life at large, make it beautiful , people hardly find people who really loves them, you have him again, just accept it and stop worrying about break-up or he is going to leave you, forget you or change, if it happens, you will try to mend things and if doesn't work, you will move on.. Just make it that simple. Its just in case things get bad, but what if all goes good ?

Yeah...May be i should start thinking about all this.. may be i should put aside my fears...hmph.
This realy did help. Thanku so much :)

Do you want to have life long relationship or you will be happy if someone is with you for few years or for college only ?

Hello zeena,

Firstly I would appreciate you for writing this post and describing everything so beautifully. While reading, I was actually able to connect myself with you and to all these series of events that you have mentioned here. Also, you have beautifully depicted how a person feels in love and how change of events develop these feelings in one's heart.

All right, coming back to your problem, I would like to say here, you are thinking too much on this, so much so that its actually irrelevant. Okay, I understand you just had a break-up with you best friend and its genuine for you to calculate the risks of getting into a new relationship with someone who himself had a heartbreak recently. But on a very honest note, you are actually calculating too much.

See, speaking truly, thinking too much about a person or a relationship which do not exists is just a waste of time. Had he been in love with you truly, he wouldn't have left you and go this way. So, if your relationship with him doesn't exists, its just waste of time and energy to think about it. Also, all your life you cannot take your past as an example and have this fear of getting into a relationship. Its okay you had a break-up but that doesn't mean its the end of life or love won't come your way again. Love is complete when you actually get into a permanent relationship with the person you love and this relationship continues forever. In simple words, all I want to say is, you are not the one to have a heartbreak. Its really a common thing nowdays. But if, you are stopping yourself from getting into a relationship again, then I must say, you are actually doing wrong to yourself because whatsoever you are doing with your life hardly matters to your ex-boyfriend now. Let me tell you, your life is not bound to anyone. Its your life, make it good or bad, its in your hands. So, there is no point in bringing your past back into your life and getting confused. It will only create confusions for you and you will never be able to make any firm decisions.

Now in your case, you admit you love him. He has just met with a heartbreak and is seeking love. You know he loves you too. So what's wrong if you both get into a committed relationship and start everything afresh. Things are so organized in your case. You had a boyfriend and he left you. He had a girlfriend and she dumped him. Now you are single, in love with guy and same is the case with him too. Its a perfect setting of things. Perhaps, you both are destined to be together and thats why your boyfriend left you and his girlfriend dumped him. Most importantly you both feel for each other so much so that you tend to feel this "emptiness" when he is not around you and he loves you truly. When love is knocking at your door, I dont understand why you making this delay in opening the door ?

See things are so much organized in your case. You both love each other, destiny is actually wanting you guys to meet. things are going pretty cool....its a perfect thing that you can ask for. I don't understand why are you not ready to accept the things. Let me tell you, if he has proposed you, he must have done a thorough analysis of his feelings just to confirm if he actually loves you or not. After getting the right answer from his heart, only then he must have told you about his feelings.

Okay, let me keep it very simple, crisp and confined, I think its time you should get over with you past and try to start things afresh. You guys are lucky to find each other. You both are single and in love with each other , I feel nothing can be perfect than this. If you love him tell him truly. get committed to him and I am pretty sure things will be beautiful for you this time. There is always a risk in relationships and for a person, who just had a heart break to think that way is genuine. But you should also understand, everyone is not the same. We are generally kids when we fall in love for the first time. Nobody at that age knows about how things will become when you get committed. But that doesn't mean you should stop your heart from loving again. Remember its a natural thing and if its happening with you, you have no control over it.

So, forget your past, move on, start things afresh and remember expect less & give more. Love is calling you again, open your arms and accept it.

Looking forward to your reply.

Pulkit. Thankyou soooo much. I went through this reply of yours about 5 times now. It felt like i was waiting for this forever; for someone to tell me that im actually a person meant to be in love. Im so clear about things now. SO CLEAR. Trust me.
Dont have much to say , im smiling wide SO wide.THANKYOU SO MUCH. You made my day :).

But again , are u sure? Can i start a conversation about this with him ? What if he says , he only sees me as his best friend and made things clear already?

Obviously,i m hoping for a life long relationship. But also, being practical ,you never know whats going to happen tomorrow.
Sure thing is, i will be shattered if i l have to face another break up. :/

What I think is, this is a rebound for both of you. You guys were there for each other when you needed emotional support so feelings eventually grew and you guys are attach to each other.

I'd tell you to give it some more time. Let your love grow deeper and make sure there is no way either of your families are gonna say no to this. Cause you guys might be committed to each other but families might not approve of this. His last gf broke up with this for this very reason, I don't think he deserves to go through the same thing again. Also, you don't wanna get your heart broken. In this process, you'll not only lose your boyfriend but your best friend too.

But if you think there is gonna be no problem other than your insecurity issues, then go for it! :D

When you eventually go into a relationship with him, please don't compare how he was with your friend (his ex gf). Remember that she might be his first love and you can never replace her but you have created your own special place in his heart so be happy that he is with you! :D

&& neither should you compare him with your ex bf. That's the thing with us, girls. We think too much. We are so so scared of getting hurt. Handle your relationship in a mature way and you'll be fine. Don't be scared to love again. Have faith in your relationship and your love! All the best! :)

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Originally Posted by zeena

Pulkit. Thankyou soooo much. I went through this reply of yours about 5 times now. It felt like i was waiting for this forever; for someone to tell me that im actually a person meant to be in love. Im so clear about things now. SO CLEAR. Trust me.
Dont have much to say , im smiling wide SO wide.THANKYOU SO MUCH. You made my day :).

But again , are u sure? Can i start a conversation about this with him ? What if he says , he only sees me as his best friend and made things clear already?

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Well thank you so much for appreciating my post. I am really glad to bring this smile on your face. It really feels nice when someone appreciates.
Okay, answering to what you have asked, all I can say is there is risk in everything. When you are not sure about your life, how can you be sure about love. Always remember one thing, love unconditionally but don't expect it in return. I am answering to problems of people here and I even don't expect that they will remember me forever. Many of the visitors don't even visit the forum again but I do it for them just because perhaps, I like helping people. So, this is just an example I want to give you. Love him unconditionally and God will answer to your prayers someday.

Moreover, boys don't put down proposals from girls. So you dont need to feel afraid on this one. Just stay cool, smile and love. If he loves you, as he said he do, he will accept you forever.

Instead of initiating the conversation, take some time out, organize it beautifully and tell him whats in your heart. Make this event special. You seem to be a very sweet girl, I am sure, he won't put down your offer.

Keep smiling !!!!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MG9St63NWIg

Pulkit...Decided...its dead and gone...not going to tell him anything at all...He likes her more than anybody...And i think i cant take that...Im an ordinary girl , iv lost things, i need attention, i need all his affection...But jus found i wudnt get even a bit of it...I can jus be a part in his life...which i think will end up bad...so its Over..im jus going to get over him...sometimes even when its all set you know , things dont happen...may be for a good reason...im going to move away from him..its going to be difficult...but i have to...I JUST HAVE TO.
you have no clue how i felt when i typed this. still , thanks a lot for all your advice.Definitely Did help me. but not US..

Thats good you have taken your decision, if you are sure you want to do it then go ahead.

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Originally Posted by zeena

Pulkit...Decided...its dead and gone...not going to tell him anything at all...He likes her more than anybody...And i think i cant take that...Im an ordinary girl , iv lost things, i need attention, i need all his affection...But jus found i wudnt get even a bit of it...I can jus be a part in his life...which i think will end up bad...so its Over..im jus going to get over him...sometimes even when its all set you know , things dont happen...may be for a good reason...im going to move away from him..its going to be difficult...but i have to...I JUST HAVE TO.
you have no clue how i felt when i typed this. still , thanks a lot for all your advice.Definitely Did help me. but not US..

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Hi zenna,

Its okay that you have decided to leave him and move on and I won't question you on that. Its your life and its your decision. But would you like to tell me what exactly happened ?? Why this sudden change of idea ? Did you propose him and if yes, what was his reaction ?? If it was negative, why did he propose you earlier, then ??

See, you have taken the decision its okay but atleast let me also know as to what exactly happened? What happens is, when you are dealing with something like this, you have a mixed approach towards life. May be what he said, was not what he meant..... or may be you interpreted it wrong.

You have taken this decision on the basis of either what he told you or what your mind interpreted it ?? Whenever you deal with such a dilemma, try to put yourself in the other person's shoes. This will help you understand his situation well and react accordingly.

So, before you finalize on this decision of yours, tell me dear, may be I can come out of an alternative. I don't want to mess your life but yes, I want to make it beautiful. If getting into this relationship is hurting, I would be the first one to stop you from acknowledging it. But if there is any fair possibility of things to work out in you and his favor, I would try my level best to make that happen.

So, in a reply to this please detail me about what happened between both of you and what is the present situation ??

NOOO. I never proposed. Infact he has no clue that i still have the liking for him.
The problem is me. I assume things. Unfortunately , they are right sometimes and not most of the times.
Same here in this situation.
He never cares , its like he s chose his path in life and he s walking his way. And that path , has his past memories and only her in it. Leave my liking for him. Bfore this we were friends . Him and about 5 of us are very close friends , he doesnt even care about any of us. And he s been ignoring me for no reason past few days.One day he s in a good mood, He talks to everybody , randomly teases himself with another friend of ours just to see me get jealous, cals me in the night just to make me laugh and talk randomn stuff and the other day he s in a depression, he doesnt reply to texts and cares about no1. The past three days i v been ill , he dint even send one How ru ? text. NO COMMUNICATION. i dont even know how he is. nor he replies to my texts.Can u blv? I mean i dont get him.But sure does upset me. he s one hard nut to crack. I dont even sit next to him for a minute. And i dont want him to have the slightest doubt that i like him. Cos as it is im losing the best friend in him , i dont want to mess up things. I feel being friends with him and talking to him everyday casually is btr than messing up things/confess my liking and not talking. I have this SURE feeling that he s not interested in involving himself in a relationship with me as he said earlier. so let me respect his words and hide watever i have for him if thats the best which can happen btw the two of us !?

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Originally Posted by zeena

NOOO. I never proposed. Infact he has no clue that i still have the liking for him.
The problem is me. I assume things. Unfortunately , they are right sometimes and not most of the times.
Same here in this situation.
He never cares , its like he s chose his path in life and he s walking his way. And that path , has his past memories and only her in it. Leave my liking for him. Bfore this we were friends . Him and about 5 of us are very close friends , he doesnt even care about any of us. And he s been ignoring me for no reason past few days.One day he s in a good mood, He talks to everybody , randomly teases himself with another friend of ours just to see me get jealous, cals me in the night just to make me laugh and talk randomn stuff and the other day he s in a depression, he doesnt reply to texts and cares about no1. The past three days i v been ill , he dint even send one How ru ? text. NO COMMUNICATION. i dont even know how he is. nor he replies to my texts.Can u blv? I mean i dont get him.But sure does upset me. he s one hard nut to crack. I dont even sit next to him for a minute. And i dont want him to have the slightest doubt that i like him. Cos as it is im losing the best friend in him , i dont want to mess up things. I feel being friends with him and talking to him everyday casually is btr than messing up things/confess my liking and not talking. I have this SURE feeling that he s not interested in involving himself in a relationship with me as he said earlier. so let me respect his words and hide watever i have for him if thats the best which can happen btw the two of us !?

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Hi zenna,
I am extreamly sorry for this late reply. Okay, so again you are doing the same thing as you said in the very first line of your latest comment , that is, assuming things up. Assuming that he doesn't care for you, assuming that he isn't interested in you, assuming that he doesn't love you just because he is not behaving the way you are expecting him to. Dear, understand, he is not God that he will come to know about your feelings for him through some supernatural powers. Before this, he has told you about his feeling for you to which you did reciprocate but later you guys called off the whole thing. Later you felt this emptiness for him and your heart answered to it by telling you that you are actually in love with him.

But, how can you expect him to know your feelings for him without you telling him ?? He is perhaps assuming that you have stopped feeling for him. You proposed him initially but later you called off, so he is actually compelled to think that you don't feel anything for him. Until and unless you tell him that yes, you love him , he will never come to know whats in your heart and he will try to behave as a good friend with you because that is what you actually want him to do. Are you getting what I am saying ??

Again, remember, neither you nor he will ever forget your first love. First love is always a very beautiful experience even if it doesn't works out and it takes years for people to forget this beautiful experience. So, if you think that he will forget his first love that quick and move on, you are actually mistaken. What Nazneen said above is quiet justified. Though his ex-girlfriend was his first love but you have created a special place in his heart for yourself. The big thing is not in being someone's first love, it is in being someone's last love and you both could be for each other.

See, I am not forcing you to get into a relationship with him but all I want to say is, tell him about his feelings for you so that he also stops behaving like a friend to you. If after proposing him again, you feel that things are not working out, you can quit with this relationship anytime. But, just because you don't know what life has in store for you, you got to take some risk here. Things can be really beautiful but they will not be ugly, I promise.

Still if you are unsure, you can take your time and decide onto things. I know you are mature enough to take a wise decision.

Yes, it is the only feeling you can't forget in your all life when you love with someone heartly.

Guest who s here back again ;)
Humph , just wanted to update stuff and give a conclusion to this post .
Well , he s fine , me? yes. Good.
Notexts - no calls - no talkings.
BUT, yeah the feeling is still the same - atleast from my side.
Its been exactly a week since i told him that i still havent gotten over him one bit.
A seven page text page , the reply i received - You'l be fine.
Felt unfortunate to see a reply like that which indirectly told me - Do i even care lady?

And 11 months now. Still thinking about him. Wonder if he even thinks about me for a minute.
I dont know what to call this. Why do i love him so much ? I dont get a pinch of it in return. My friends are fighting with me every day to forget him , move on, search for another guy. Still you know, i have it for him. i cannot go make it happen. This happened to me. From no where.
Its THAT strong. Tried to forget it. but NO. Not happening.

I still havent got a proper reason from him for saying no to me.
Every night before going to bed , i plead myself to get over him , and my heart says yes. The very next day i enter college and look out for him , and to my eyes i find him doing the same from some corner of the courtyard. 5 seconds, i look at those eyes. And i fall for him all over again. this happens everyday. That keeps me going. I dont even know if im imagining all of this.

Guess im meant to be this way ;)

Thanks and good bye guys :)

And grem smith - MOST AMAZING FEELING. Best part , you dont expect anything in return.

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Originally Posted by zeena

Guest who s here back again ;)
Humph , just wanted to update stuff and give a conclusion to this post .
Well , he s fine , me? yes. Good.
Notexts - no calls - no talkings.
BUT, yeah the feeling is still the same - atleast from my side.
Its been exactly a week since i told him that i still havent gotten over him one bit.
A seven page text page , the reply i received - You'l be fine.
Felt unfortunate to see a reply like that which indirectly told me - Do i even care lady?

And 11 months now. Still thinking about him. Wonder if he even thinks about me for a minute.
I dont know what to call this. Why do i love him so much ? I dont get a pinch of it in return. My friends are fighting with me every day to forget him , move on, search for another guy. Still you know, i have it for him. i cannot go make it happen. This happened to me. From no where.
Its THAT strong. Tried to forget it. but NO. Not happening.

I still havent got a proper reason from him for saying no to me.
Every night before going to bed , i plead myself to get over him , and my heart says yes. The very next day i enter college and look out for him , and to my eyes i find him doing the same from some corner of the courtyard. 5 seconds, i look at those eyes. And i fall for him all over again. this happens everyday. That keeps me going. I dont even know if im imagining all of this.

Guess im meant to be this way ;)

Thanks and good bye guys :)

And grem smith - MOST AMAZING FEELING. Best part , you dont expect anything in return.

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Hi zeena,

Welcome Back !!!
Though you didn't ask for a reply but here is a bit I feel worth adding.

Wait for some more time. Since you both study in same school/college so encounters happen to take place often. Once you guys are out of it, you will forget him.
Also, it doesn't matter that you never have the reason of him saying you no. There are 100 reasons a person can give to be in a relationship with the one whom he loves but there is just one reason for not getting in a relationship or not loving i.e. plain No ( I don't want to) and that's how things happen.
He is not answerable to you and neither are you. So, try to stop worrying about it.

Now since its clear he has no intentions of getting into a relationship, better would be, you accept this and move on !!! The thing that you are not trying to move on is the main reason you are not able to forget him. The line where you mentioned you look for him the moment you enter your institute, is what you need to put your control on. Stop it at once !!!

Rest time will do, if you try to co-operate !!!

Hope you start your new life. It was nice to see you back on the forum !!!
Bye and Take Care !!!