hi frnz...m a 28 year ol girl,well educated..got to meet a guy and his parents thru a matrimonial site...my father had passed away a few years back..so its my mum managing my marriage issues.she liked dis guys qualities but was a bit apprehensive bout his parents cos dey were from a village background.but the guy being a v.broadminded and respectful person with the same profession of mine my mom accepted the match..the guy liked me a lot and also promised my mom dat he wud really keep me happy.i also accepted the guy cos i truly respected his qualities and cos i really wanted sumone who wud always b der for my mom and allow me to b der for her weneva she needs us..da guy dint want ny dowry..waz genuinly good nd supportive to me in all aspects regarding profession,home etc..and sumhow i felt i met the guy of my dreams..we started talking to each oder on phone cos he works in a different city nd met jst twice over the past 5months..we both are really committed to each oder..now my problem started here...the guy initially wanted to get married to me in hadly 1month but slowly he started postponing..the reason is i realized that his parents wer not happy with the match cos dey r having issues with NO DOWRY ND CASTE slight difference.the guy told my mom dat he needs some time to convince his parents.but its jst not happening...their parents never called my mom to speak bout the match again...wen i asked him directly..he started getting v.uncomfortable nd still wants more time..i had told him the first day itself dat parents approval is most important to me..wat do i do now?its v.obvious his parents dont like dis match n he is jst not able to handle the situation.i really like dis guy nd not even able to forget him..we havent been speaking to each oder for a week cos of dis issue..i wud b really greatful to get advise from u guys...the thoughtful ppl out der!!

Welcome to eTI community.

Your query has been approved.

To certain extent he is right at his place. If you can't wait then there is rude but better advise is that start looking for someone else. His problem looks genuine and believe me it happens when things goes upside down which what exactly happened with your guy.

But on the other side, you are 28 and you should marry as soon as possible as because you know about the complication girls faces in giving birth to child when they reaches age of 30 or more.

Hi roses123,

You have spoke alot about what you feel for him, how decent and value-oriented person he is but all in your post you have not spoken about what his parents feel about you, what is the reason of them forbidding the match or what is the reason they are compensating you with dowry( if its a case because that is what I feel ). Once you got to know the exact reason we can work on this further.

Talk to your man and ask him about whatever talks he had with his parents. Ask him not to give you the outline but a detailed account of what all happened there at his end. Is dowry the only reason for them to forbid/delay the match or is there something else which he might be hiding.

Its too early for me to comment on this right now because I didn't get the real reason behind them forbidding the match. For a matter of fact, all I can say is they are compensating you with dowry. If you offer them dowry they are ready for the match else not. So, get to know the real reason behind it and then lets work further on this.

May be you have shown too much interest in him that has made his parents put this demand forward. But lets not make any reservations as of now, lets wait for an answer from your man !!!

thanku so much shirantha for your advise...appreciate the concern and time...

hi pulkit..thanku so much for te genuine advise.well..i have spoken to the guy at length about dis.the main reason is MISCOMMUNICATION betwn the guy and his family.the guy is not really close to his parents...since his 10th standard he as been studying in the city,further studies in US nd now back to India..whereas his family has always been in the village,his dad being a farmer.they r orthodox types and have their own strict ideas wen it comes to mrg like caste,dowry specific and all.so,here we see at one end a free minded,cool guy and at the oder end his orthodox family.he says he always knew wat he wanted in his lifepartner and never discussed with his parents..so he made his own profile in matrimony in which he clearly mentioned he had caste no bar nd dus not want any dowry..we accepted his request in matrimony..he says all he wnted was a well educated,gud luking and understanding girl and dat he had found all dat in me.but the problem lies here...before he got his parents to meet my family he never told dem bout his clear views.he says he ASSUMED dat his parents wud understand and wud never say no to his choice..i cant even blame his parents.all thru the meeting with my mum nd family,dey wer expecting talks bout dowry and stuff,but we were unaware of dat.nd all thru the meeting the guy waz being v.supportive to my mum which irritated his mum.she waz feeling v.insecure bout it.(he never told me all dis den).now afta 5m the situation is dat his parents r against dis match totally.
he says he is feeling horriible and is jst not able to convince dem.he says its entirely his mistake nd it waz most unexpected for him.he feels v.pressurised and says due to the pressure he is not able to concentrate on me nd nurture our budding relation.i do feel bad for him bt wat bout my emotions..i feel like a fool.
i dont say he is a weak minded guy bt i can surely say he is not able to handle da situation.now he says he needs anoder fortnights time .he wud do everytng possible to convince his parents..i appreciate it but at the same time i am a girl with lot of self respect and i feel how cud i live a lifetime with ppl who dint want me in their sons life...my mum feelss it mite get v.difficult in future nd may not stand by u in case his family is against me for sum tngs
even if dey agree due to his force now.
m totally confused..wat do i do?
i am sum1 who believes dat marriage is a sacred responsibility..tho being a working woman,i wud want to give gud care and time to my family nd children..i am v.sincerily ready to take care of his parents like my own parents.all wat i need is little respect from dem..thanku so much for the patient reading and giving me a chance to pour my heart out..truly grateful
nd regarding your last question...no we dint show ny extra interest towards him4dem to make demands..we kept our cool all da wile,but his parents kept silent thruout the meeting and later told their son dat dey r not ok with it.
thanku....

Hi roses123,


Well, I went through your whole problem statement. See, purely its a case of assumptions. Though I am not blaming him but it was not right for him to keep his parents in dark while making his profile on net. He should have atleast brought to their notice as to what he is writing in his specifications. But, well that is something else. The point here is what to do now keeping in mind the present situation.

What I feel is there is nothing that you can do in this case. Whatever the next step of his would be, should be taken by him. Its just he who can convince his parents. I cannot advice you to talk to his parents on his behalf and request them to accept the match. But there is something that you can do.

If dowry is their only demand and they are ready to marry their son to you only if you pay them some amount in cash or kind, then I guess you can go for it. I understand you have lost your father and there must be financial strain on you and your mom since long but try to understand, if they are ready for the match after considering your financial stability and accept the amount you offer, you get everything in one go.

Please don't make wrong judgements thinking that I am promoting dowry as such which is against law. What I mean to say is, if you pay them an amount which is enough for them to say a yes to your marriage with their son and if that amount doesn't put you into too much of financial strain, then everything will be good. You will be getting the guy ( Mr. Right ) for you, his care and concerns, his love and respect from him and his family.

Try to analyze, you pay them some amount and they are ready for the marriage. You get the guy and everything you want. Obviously, a person who has went abroad and has been there for couple of years won't be staying in a village. So, obviously, you wont be living with him mom and dad in village. Even if they are not completely satisfied with you or the dowry amount, you just got to face them twice or thrice in a year which hardly matters. And if you move abroad you will not face them for that much time even.

If paying dowry puts you or your mom in some kind of financial trouble then still since you both are earning you can easily support yourself and your mom. Also, if he is against dowry and is eager to marry you, he will help you pay back the dowry amount to you mother and in sometime to come, things will be fine.

I myself don't appreciate it but taking into consideration your age and your soft corner for him, I think a sacrifice of few lakhs can be done, if you are getting the worth of it.

If the dowry amount is too much for you to handle and you know paying it will disturb your finances, then its worth not going for it. Instead search for another match. But if you are getting everything you ever dreamt of by paying an amount which comes under your financial bracket, I think you can think about it.

This is all I feel you can do. Rest is all upto you.



NOTE : Before taking this step, please make a complete check into the family background of your man..!!! This MIGHT be a case of fraud. What happens is the guy makes a profile on matrimonial sites saying that he demands no caste and dowry but actually puts his parents forward to talk about dowry and pressurize the girl's side.
So everything comes with a CAUTION warning...!!!!

hi pulkit,
thanku so much for the patient hearing and reply..i really appreciate it.yes i understand dat u r NOT promoting dowry bt jst trying to solve my problem.
We do have a financial strain presently but still i guess i shud have a word with my mum about it..cos wat u say makes alot of sense,i can repay it back to my mum.nyways i will leave it to her comfort entirely..
dis is the only option i have...rest is left to destiny..thanx a lot once again and god bless!!

Originally Posted by roses123

hi pulkit,
thanku so much for the patient hearing and reply..i really appreciate it.yes i understand dat u r NOT promoting dowry bt jst trying to solve my problem.
We do have a financial strain presently but still i guess i shud have a word with my mum about it..cos wat u say makes alot of sense,i can repay it back to my mum.nyways i will leave it to her comfort entirely..
dis is the only option i have...rest is left to destiny..thanx a lot once again and god bless!!

Hi roses123,

Helping the needful is what I am here for. My best wishes to you for your bright future.
You can visit us anytime you want. Its my pleasure to have a friend like you.

Thank You.

thankyou so much..................................

Hey that is very nice to know Pulkit helped you, he is our Love Guru and Expert.

Kudos to Pulkit and Keep visiting eTI , I love to help people too on computer and automobiles.

hey aarish...yes he is...his advise has definitely given me a lot of strength...

Originally Posted by roses123

hey aarish...yes he is...his advise has definitely given me a lot of strength...

Thank you so much both of you...!!! Thanks a lot Aarish and roses123.