I am in a dilemma. About my future.
I am 30, a divorcee and working outside India on a contract job. I am not going to settle here but plan to stay here for another four to five years.
I got in touch with a girl from India about one year ago through social networking site. Soon the chatting on net became more intimate. We have never done video chat though because she doesn't have the facility. And when I saw intimacy growing, I told her completely about my past. She never questioned me further about my past. She is 23.

A bit about my past : It was an arranged marriage. I was fascinated about her educational qualifications and thats what drove me. But what I completely overlooked was that she came from a super rich family and I belonged to the mango population. The marriage didn't last because she had started demanding extra high standard of living which I didn't want to waste my money on.
Coming to this girl, I gave enough time to myself before I realized that I had started liking her very much. August, I proposed to her. She agreed as if she was waiting for me to propose.

My family and hers belong to totally different cultures. Its inter cultural marriage. Different language, different beliefs, different food etc. We did worry about this a lot.
In November I came to India on Diwali and that is when I went to her city to meet her specially. We spent a day together. Most of the things were talked over on phone and so there was nothing very important left to be discussed in person. Then we started telling our families. First the moms, then the dads, then the taujee's etc. To our surprise, no one opposed. It seems they trust us with our decision. The families have not yet given their final nod but they are talking and the nod is expected.
Wondering where the problem lies? Here is :
I am sure that the girl loves me a lot because otherwise there is no reason why she would go out of way to marry me. But she has not 'fallen' for me. I dont see that desperation in her for me. I do feel desperate for her. I call her three four times a day. Express my feelings. The girl has never shown this kind of madness. She would never call. Before you think that she might not want to spend on ISD calls, I told her already that she only needs to give me a missd call. I would call her back. But all I wanted her to do is give me a missd whenever she would feel like talking to me. She wouldn't do that. She would never express her feelings on her own. Saying a simple 'I love you' feels like climbing mount everest for her. And what drives me mad is that in her previous relationship, as she said, she used to be expressive. But it didn't work coz the guy broke up when he demanded sex and she didn't oblige. If I try to talk to her, she assumes infinite silence. Whats suffocating me is why is she not opening up. I feel opening up is important before marriage. Not after marriage.Why cant she show her madness for me. Why why why. And if she is not mad for me, why did she accept my proposal. I tried breaking up with her due to this issue, but the more I try to break up with her, the more I fall for her.

And to add to my above post, i completely stopped calling her or messaging her once. She took two days to message me asking what happened. I repeated this trick once again few days ago. Nothing much changed. That is killing me. Even if I stop being in contact with her, she doesn't take lead in keeping the contact. And this is love marriage!! not a forced arranged marriage. This time I have decided to be stronger. I will maintain my silence for four-five days.
Whats going on? When everything else is smooth, why can't she fall in love smoothly?

Hi happysingh,

Couple of things can matter here. A couple of things might qualify as reasons for her keeping this low enthusiasm in this relationship.


The reasons could be anything ranging from her contemplating on the decision of marrying to you to how much has she come out of her previous relationship, which might also involve her nature, her inclination towards you, the extend to which she has surrendered herself to you etc etc.
Speaking in terms of her emotional nature would be something too broad here. Her not calling you in your absence cannot alone stand strong enough to proof that she doesn't like you or love you or perhaps she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. There are people with low enthusiasm and low passion also. So, we cannot blame her or rather point her on this.

Try to understand, she has also come out of a relationship in which she confirms she gave her 100%. Your relationship with her is completely online based. Its just once that you both met, spoke to each other in person, got to meet each other's family etc. Neither she nor you are in a position to risk in a relationship again.

Try considering this, you guys met online, started chatting which eventually got intimate and that was something which tied both of you both in a bond. She is not wrong in wondering if you have any genuine feelings for her, any genuine inclination for her, desire for her apart from these intimate things.

Please don't think I am blaming you or pointing you on something. Your decision to marry her is enough in itself to proof that you love her genuinely, but this is something that she needs to understand or rather you need to make her understand.
Her present situation makes me believe that she trust you but still this trust needs to be strengthen from your end. And if nothing like this is true, then perhaps she has still not came out of her previous relationship completely( the best is known to her ).

Now what you can do ?


Talk to her more about her family and friends than herself. Make her feel comfortable in this relationship. Lower down your intimate chats because there is much more in a relationship than intimacy. Get to know more of her nature, her feelings, likes/dislikes. Ask her what changes would she like you to imbibe in you.

Talk about this to her for couple of months and if this doesn't seem helpful, then you can obviously go to her and talk to her telling her that her enjoying this silence is bothering you too much and if there is anything she's hiding she should let you know about it BEFORE you guys get married.


I hope you come out of it soon. For a time being, if possible, delay your marriage for couple of months. Also, if you can, plan a surprise visit to her on some occasion, eg, her birthday, your birthday or Valentine's day. This will open her up to you making her feel that you genuinely love her.

Thanks a million Pulkit. I have read your answers in many threads and you are amazing!

Coming to my story. You know, in the last week many things happened. I was waiting for your reply but when it didn't come, I decided to do something myself. Be a man and talk straight. With courage I asked her to speak up if she is really desparate for me, which is what I want from her. She is honest, and I love her for that, and told me she loves me but that feeling of 'can't live without talking to you', that 'desperation' will come with time. This didn't please me much. We have come so far as this to marrying each other. And this is love marriage. So she asking for time didn't go down well with me. I told her that logically, she might never develop that desperation for me unless we date in person. I told her I would take leave from my job, however difficult it would be, come to India for a week, date her and then see. I also strongly suggested her not to 'force' herself to be desparate for me. I told her, just be at peace with yourself and see if that 'desperation' sprouts from your heart automatically. If it doesn't, even after one week of dating, we should rethink the decision to marry each other. I told her I was not speaking break up here. But if she is not dying for me, I would wait till she does and then, and only only then, go ahead and get married.
Her response was, as usual, not many words. Quietly she said, please don't come here. And I know why she said like that. She thinks of my career more than I do. She doesn't want me to take unnecessary breaks and blow up lakhs of rupees for dating one week. She told me, she would give it a genuine try over phone itself. Please wait for 15 days. If you dont see any improvement, I'd agree with whatever you decide.
The next day onwards, I stopped calling her. Slowly, she started to call me, msg me, expressing emotions.
And believe me, being in this relationship, I can tell you from the warmth that she is showing, that she is not doing it mechanically to save this relationship alone, but she is feeling it and doing it. It's been almost a week since I talked to her about this issue and since then I have called her only twice I think, its she who has been doing all the calling, texting etc. And all this has driven me crazy. I have gone even more mad in her love than I was before.
I feel she probably needed this kind of 'jolt' from me, a strong push from me, to think about this relation. And when she got that push, I am feeling her love.
I don't think she is thinking any bit about previous relationship still.
You tell me Pulkit, is this all alright? Have I misunderstood anything, or misread her?

Hi happysingh,


Its good to hear from you that things eventually are working out and that to, naturally and not mechanically in an attempt to save this relationship. What I would like to point here is, whatever you did was fine and see the result is in front of you, but the thing that you expect from her might not be valid. Understand, people are different, they take love differently, different ideologies, different opinions and hence different ways of loving and expressing it. For you, the craziness, the madness in love might be important but for her this might not be that significant. The point to understand here is, whether she loves you genuinely or not, whether she wants to be with you or not , whether her decision to marry you is not driven by any force, but natural and thought-off and whether she would enjoy/like surrendering herself to you in your arms or not. If everything she's saying is fine then I don't think so you should force her to go mad after you because anyway her nature is different from you.

True. Very true. I shouldn't force her into anything as long as I know that she is sure about me, and she loves me genuinely.
This being a distance relationship and that too, over phone, sometimes it is difficult to interpret the behaviour of the other person. Her silence made me think negatively. Thats it. Now that I am sure that she is deeply in love with me, I am relaxed to the core. I pray to God that everything goes smoothly from here.
Thank you Pulkit

Originally Posted by happySingh

True. Very true. I shouldn't force her into anything as long as I know that she is sure about me, and she loves me genuinely.
This being a distance relationship and that too, over phone, sometimes it is difficult to interpret the behaviour of the other person. Her silence made me think negatively. Thats it. Now that I am sure that she is deeply in love with me, I am relaxed to the core. I pray to God that everything goes smoothly from here.
Thank you Pulkit

Hi happySingh,

The only thing that mattered or will ever matter in a long-distance relationship is trust. Never let yourself doubt on her in future. Remember, love is a very "natural" aspect of nature. It happens on its own, ends on its own. All that people like you need to understand is, it demands time and patience. It actually requires alot of time for feelings to develop in the respective hearts of both the parties involved. So anytime you are in trouble again ( which, obviously I wouldn't like you to be ), just have patience and give your relationship sometime. Think with a calm mind as to where you are wrong, dug out the root cause and try sorting it out through communication.

All well that ends well....!!!! Here you're Good To Go...!!!