Hi Everyone,

I have a really Unique Problem and i am going nuts..

Well i am 24, and have done wmy Bachelors of Engineering in Computers and have been working for the last two years. I am in a relationship for the last two years with a 19 year old. She is currently doing her First Year BDS. We really love each other.

We have both not told in our families about us. Last week my mother found a greeting card which she had given me and started questioning me about it. I denied being in a relationship and somehow got her to calm down. I did share this with my girl friend. She was fine about whatever i said.

After a week of this she just randomly asked me to marry her. Though she had earlier told me that she wanted to marry young, preferably by the age of 18, this came to me as a surprise as i was not ready to marry yet. She said she always wanted to do something spontaneous for marriage and she did not want to wait for me and she proposed. I initially thought it was a joke but she was serious. So i took time to answer.

She took this in the wrong way and now we are having a lot of problems. She wants to be married by the 22nd of December. Before this she wants me to tell my family that i am getting married.

The reason we are having problems is that she says that the one thing that was holding her on to this relationship was the faith that someday we would get married and due to this she was able to overlook all the bad things and due to my not saying yes immediately, this is gone!! She also says that all her life, people made her feel unwanted and she had faith that i would say yes and not make her feel the same way. There were a few stupid things i had said in the start of the relationship which caused her to believe(she does till day) that she is not my type.

If i tell my family, i am in a relationship, let alone tell them i am marrying, i am sure to be kicked out. My relationship with my family is as it is not very good due to a lot of reasons. I am not really settled in life to walk out on my family.

She wants to now break this relationship up and find someone who will marry her without waiting(She feels 2 years is long enough) and also someone whose family approves of it. Her parents are separated but she feels that they wont have a problem with her marrying young. After a lot of speaking, she now says that i will never let her leave me so she will be with me and the day it gets to much she will kill herself. She says the only two ways this will now end is if i leave her or she kills herself.

I really need help since i am stuck and dont know what to do. I really love her and do want to marry her, though not now. We used to stay in the same city but for the last 2 months are in different cities. Further more, i might be moving abroad in a few weeks time and this complicates matters since the abroad opportunity is really lucrative.

Please suggest to me what i can do. Its driving me mad.

Thanks

Hi molten man,

I really like your screen name : molten man "


Well, coming down to your problem straight away, I feel its too much of emotional melodrama and alot of immaturilty forcing your girl to say this.
I know you must have had a long talk with her over this but just a few points I feel you should talk about are following up.

First, let her you love. If she is doing all this intentionally, you do it intentionally. Talk to her, make her remember all the things you have done in the past for her just to bring that cute smile on the corner of her lips and make her day. Let her realize all that you have done for her so far was not in a joke and that your committment is not a joke.

Second, make her understand its very easy for a girl to say she'll kill herself if she is not married to you, she'll harm herself if she couldn't get you, throwing her complete responsibility on her boyfriend. But little do they realize how difficult situations become for their boyfriends to handle at their end. Giving them emotional, physical, financial support is not something that comes at wink of an eye. It needs time and effort to build each of this thing with deepest of purity and committment. And "Time" is what you are demanding.

Third, though indian laws made marriage of a girl at an age of 18 legal but its actually not appreciated because they are still not ready to handle the married life in conjunction with their studies or professional life. Make her understand even if you convince both the families for marriage, she would find herself admist problems which she hasn't forcasted or thought about.
Explain her love is not just about hanging around, watching movies, partying or havinf burgers at Mc Donalds. It ask for respect which itself include committment and responsibility.
You are right now not in a position to keep her financially strong but you are trying, and so, you want her to give you time to build a secure future for her.

Fourth, when talking about finances, it would be very hard for you to convince both the families because whatsoever her mother/father( whomsoever she is living with ) will not accept the proposal until and unless they are convinced of your financial stability and that you will provide her a good future.
Make her understand, marriage decisions are not taken considering the future or on castles of big expensive dreams. They are taken on realistic facts, which are suggesting you not to get married right now. Its not that when you will talk to her parents they WILL understand you. You should be clear in your approach and should be able to answer all their questions well.




Your girlfriend is way too young and immature to talk about things like this. The only reason of her talking about marriage to you right now is the insecurity that has developed in her mind, the fear of loosing you after she lost her father/mother, the fear of loosing your love and considerations which she would never want to. All her life, she must have witnessed fights and brawls over pretty issues between her parents and eventually seeing them seperated from each other.
This whole thing has compelled her to believe that everything she loves, everyone she considers close to her heart would leave her someday.

This tendency is actually forcing her to make this relationship permanent so that whatsoever happens, howsoever far you go, she is legally, emotionally, physically bonded to you as your wife.



I hope you understand her situation well and whats actually going in her mind as of now. Now all you got to do is make her assure and also PROMISE this to yourself that whatever happens, whereever you go you will never forget her. You will always love her as you have been doing so far. The reason behind you going abroad in few weeks is just for her bright future and whatever happens, you will never stop loving her.
Try to understand from a girl's point of view dear friend. All her life she has trusted you, loved you more than she did to anybody. She always considered you as her own property and its your duty to keep her happy.

I understand, nothing is possible beyond destiny but atleast be with her till the last moment as long as possible. You will never find a girl like her !!!

Explain her the above things, she will understand you.

Whatever Pulkit said is true however main reason for this girl behaving weird is feeling of insecurity, she don't want to loose as she has been through unstable emotional trauma in life because of her parents, when a couple decides to separate specially when they have grown up kids, their is lots of pre-separation hiccups which affects children seriously.

Technically your girlfriend need counseling to get rid of past but her belief that she will not have relationship issue shows that she is already trying hard to get over her past.

I hope this helps.