Is honesty is always a best policy in relationship ?

I am an Indian girl in our culture virginity matters a lot in marriage. I lost my virginity to my ex,i thought one day we will get married but he was so abusive so i broke up with him, now i am really scared ...i strongly believe that without honesty no relationship can work ..how will i face my future husaband, here in our culture no matter what a guy had done in his past he will still wish for a virgin bride...if i will hide this fact from him won,t it be considered as cheating..i am really confused or scared , is loosing ur virginity is sin ??

Hello ssakshi,

I have identified there are threads in your name on the forum. I would appreciate if you can continue your problem on the previous threads. Try to run one thread in your name.

Well, coming to your question, all I can say is just be honest to your "future husband" on the point that you lost your virginity to your ex. If he is willing to spend his live with you, if he is willing to marry you, he will understand that its not a crime. You were in love with someone else in your life before you met your "future husband" and things didn't work out, and in a desire to get along with your ex, you involved physically with him, which is okay as far as love is concerned.

Moreover, you just need to tell him that you regrett loosing your virginity and involving in a relationship with a guy who never valued you and that its not important who is your first love, what actually matters is who is your last love, a person after whom you stopped loving anyone.

So, a bit clarifications and understanding from your partner will make things work out in your case. try to forget what happened with you in the past. It was all in love and hence nothing's wrong with it. The person who will accept you after all odds, would be the one suitable for you.

hey pulkit,

i appreciate whatever you have suggested, but how will i know that he is the one who will accept every thing easily, when i met my ex boyfriend, he also said be honest with me about everything that happened in your past, he was my first but before him i had many crushes,so i told him everything related to my past crushes .In initial days he appreciated everything.he was quit happy that i am so honest. But after a point of a time he started taunting me, he started blaming me for everything, he started doudting me that i must have hided something from him.my friend says male are known for their big egos, they can digest certain things in initial days because they are in starting phase of love ,they are not much attached to you, but once they fall for you they can not tolerate the fact that you had someone in your life before them ....so now i am really scared, what if my husband appreciate everything in starting but starts blaming me after a point of time..what will i do then ???

I will say it in one line, being honest in love and relationship is good but sometimes its better to hide few things than being honest.

It is because they effect subconscious, may be because you were honest with your ex, your relationship ended this. In short, whatever happpened, was past, don't discuss with your love or husband ever, I know it may look unethical but it helps both. Just hide only about past affairs and love life, rest you can share with your future hubby. Specially thing about your virginity, actually there is no full-proof way to find if a girl is virgin or not, girls those were very active in sports find complaints of being non-virgin from husband even when they are virgin.. so dont' worry about in future, just remember, sometimes small lies can help to build long beautiful life and relation.

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Originally Posted by ssakshi

hey pulkit,

i appreciate whatever you have suggested, but how will i know that he is the one who will accept every thing easily, when i met my ex boyfriend, he also said be honest with me about everything that happened in your past, he was my first but before him i had many crushes,so i told him everything related to my past crushes .In initial days he appreciated everything.he was quit happy that i am so honest. But after a point of a time he started taunting me, he started blaming me for everything, he started doudting me that i must have hided something from him.my friend says male are known for their big egos, they can digest certain things in initial days because they are in starting phase of love ,they are not much attached to you, but once they fall for you they can not tolerate the fact that you had someone in your life before them ....so now i am really scared, what if my husband appreciate everything in starting but starts blaming me after a point of time..what will i do then ???

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Ok ssakshi and Yahoo, tell me one thing, is it possible to hide that you are not virgin ? I don't think so, it is anyway. Instead of saying various lies and designing a whole lot of a story on how you lost your virginity, when you are being questioned on your first night with your "future husband", you should tell him the truth about you before you get married to him. See, things might get worse if he'll come to know in future about your past relationship and that you and your ex-boyfriend had a physical relation. That will be the point where doubt will creep in his mind as to how many lies have you told him, how much have you cheated on him , are you still in relationship with your ex-boyfriend or not, what all have you hidden etc etc.

So, to avoid future clashes and ruining the relationship then, its good to speak the truth before you both think of starting a married life. See, I understand you had a bad past, things didn't go good, but obviously, all guys are not same. Your ex was abusive but the next person entering your life might be a perfect soul mate for you, a good person by nature and deeds and might be Mr. Right for you. Things ended between you and your ex-boyfriend just because he was not the right one for you, but let him not dominate your life further.

Moreover there is no guarantee that the next person entering your life will be the right one and it will be the end of all problems. Nobody can guarantee this to you, dear. Life is all about risk which anyways you have to accept. When your life will come on track, when you will find your soul mate, when things will work out properly, is beyond the scope of human knowledge.

So, my honest suggestion would be to stop worrying about what will happen in the future and tell him everything honestly. If things has to work out this time, they will else you will get whatever is written in your destiny.

Main thing is that stop worrying about what will happen (as Pulkit said and I agree here) , but honesty is not always best policy in relations.

With all due respect, I disagree a little on some parts, I am in favour of hiding thing.. rather I will not call it hiding, but I will call it leaving the past behind. Yap, leave the past behind and do not let it haunt your future. You see, even if your new partner is very understanding, caring but past relation haunts, they effect emotions (leave apart situation for people those are not so caring (selfish nerds)) .. Yes, you can hide thing about your virginity (I have tried to explain already) , infact many times, husband accuses their wife of being non-virgin even when they are really virgin..

It will save your future and your hubby (parter) will be able to give you more love, you can tell him things but just hide sensitive things.

hey yahoo & pulkit

but what if in long run he gets to know about everything from some third person.if i will hide something,i have to live with that burden through out my life.whats your opinion about this. i don,t know whether you are a male or female but just asking suppose you are a male & if something like this happens to you in future & you get to know about your wife past. are you going to forgive her.

i agree pulkit whatever u have suggested but recently one of my senior got married ,it was a love marriage,she told everything to her husband, her husband accepted her but everyday he keeps on saying accha hota tum kabhi batati hi na....you gave your burden to me ,now i have to carry your burden rest of my life.now what will you say about this situation.

Hi Yahoo,

Well, the end decision is on ssakshi to take it. I would have suggested the same as you have i.e. hiding things up if it wouldn't have been getting physical. If it would have been just involvement of emotions and feelings, I would have suggested her to hide things up, but loosing a virginity might be a serious issue and hence I believe she should tell everything to her "future husband" BEFORE marriage.

Anyways, it was nice to read your post as well. Keep posting. :-) :-)

@Sakshi,
I am male and what I have answered is from the point of view of a male, and you now you yourself gave us the live example ie. the marriage of a senior and her husband, that is what I am saying, you have to hide it, no matter how caring husband is, somewhere it affects him. He can only get to know it from you, if anyone else try to spoil your life, you can deny it .. just keep it denying.

@Pulkit,
May be I didn't read it properly, only I was saying that yes, logically , esthetically it looks good not to hide anything in true relationship but in practical world, true people hardly get the place they deserve.

hey yahoo

i hope u can help me.i am in another problem.he has some pictures of me. those pictures are very normal pics.like couple holding hands together,i am resting my head on his shoulder,in one pic i kissed him on his cheek...but i am scared what if in future he creates any problem for me.what can he prove from these pics.....and the other thing is in some of our gmail chats i have mentioned that why he ruined my life, why he forced me for that thing which i never wanted to do....sometimes he says he will use these chat when i will get married to some guys.

Only you can help yourself, I was already suspecting something like you already mentioned. For him currently its more obstinacy than affection , give it sometime, atleast don't get engage with anyone in his knowledge, I feel time will heal all. Above all, if he can find someone for himself then things will be good. Worst part of your relationship is that sometimes there are people who can't understand other's true feeling no matter how hard you explain.. so forget about idea of explaining him once again. He will be fine once someone else enters his life. But that doesn't mean you have to get someone for him, just forget about him, have your life and enjoy it. Leave all to future, dont' spoil your present worrying about future as you can't do much apart of hoping for good. Infact you can help others to come out of similar situation here.