Mixed marriages - Sikh and Hindu Punjabi

I am 22 and have currently graduated from University. I have been in a 2 year relationship and as my degree is finished, came clean to my parents about my boyfriend. However we are of 2 different religions. I am Sikh and he is Hindu Punjabi.

At first i assumed this would not be an issue for my parents as he is of the Punjabi culture, he has achieved a degree in a top university and also has a good career. However when i first told my parents, they both seemed very worried. My father stopped talking to me. My mother told me that my father is not happy with the situation, and that he will never agree to us getting married due to the nature of the actual marriage.

My mother never gave me much option about my boyfriend, she only said i'm allowed to find my own boyfriend if hes Sikh or let them find me someone. This left me no option but to end it with my boyfriend however we both still feel very strongly about each other. I told him he needs to not let me stop him from finding a future wife whose family will accept him. I am completely torn.. i want my family to accept him for my happiness and i do not want to lose my boyfriend but i do not want to lose my family either. What do i do?

Very Confused:confused:

Hi jyoti.k,


I didn't get completely what you mean by this sentence of your's " I told him he needs to not let me stop him from finding a future wife whose family will accept him. ".

Why will you look out for a wife for your boyfriend, if you really love him?

Now going by what your problem statements stays, I am not able to get as to why is your parent's against marriage? If its the point that you both belong to different religion - you being Sikh and he is Punjabi Hindu, then obviously you have to talk to your parents and tell them what you have already written " he is of the Punjabi culture, he has achieved a degree in a top university and also has a good career" and that you both love each other madly.

With what you have written, it seems that your mother has little or no objection with you choosing a life partner for yourself. So, you can consider her as your point of contact. Talk to her and make her understand your emotions. Being a woman herself, I guess, she should understand your feelings well. Don't just behave like a girlfriend. Instead, your talks and behavior should project a feeling as if you consider him as your husband to be. Talk on things that have value. Make the discussion as serious as you can and try to eliminate all the kiddish things of boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and talk on a more mature level of future husband-wife.

Also, please tell us what opinion his family holds because that is also very important. If he hasn't disclose about his relationship in his family, he should do it if he thinks its the right time.

And yes, before taking a step further, please consult. I am not pointing you wrong anywhere but I personally feel, there could have been a better way in disclosing your love to your parents than coming out "clean to my parents about my boyfriend ". Also, please details us more as to what talks you have already been done.

By him finding a future partner, i meant i have told him that he should look for someone else as i do not want him to waste his time, when we now know how my parents feel. And as for me "coming clean" about my relationship. The topic of subject happend when we were discussing a potential arranged marriage for me, the guy is is a family friend, solicitor and is sikh however i disagreed to meeting him, and thought this would be the right time for me to say that i do have a potential someone who i would like to be with in the future. My mum would not accept anything as it is down to my dad, she understands i am in love with a good person however she says there are too much complications for the future if you marry him.
I do love him dearly, but there will always be a part of me that feels guilty that he his wasting his time when he knows how my dad feels about future marriage. We both wanna carry on being with each other and slowly mention the topic again and try to make my parents see sence.

Also his parents know about me, and are fully happy with the fact i'm Sikh. We havn't met yet however, because i wanted my parents to know too before any meet ups occur

Hi jyoti.k,



Your feeling guilty for your boyfriend is quiet evident and natural in this case. But I would like you to take it in a more of a positive manner and admit to the fact that you cannot live without him. Your act of finding a new life partner for him is somewhere projecting a sense of feeling that you have already given up on him and that you might step back if your father strongly disagrees.

Don't let this happen to your relationship. Talk to your father on this when you find him alone. Before that try to win your mother's confidence because she is also an integral part of your family and an individual in herself who has the rights to speak for you.

If possible, arrange a meeting between your guy and your mom so that atleast she is satisfied with her daughter's choice. If you have someone in the family who's opinion carry some weight and can influence your father's decision, you can as well get in touch with him/her.

Talk to your father and tell him what you feel for him and what's important for you. Tell them you cannot compromise on your life and your happiness by marrying to someone else just because the person you love belongs to different religion.

You can also consider of converting your religion to Hindus punjabi, if you think you can.
Talk to your father, sit down on your knees and talk to him with confidence n boldly that you love your boyfriend because whenever you see him, you remember your dad and things he has given you. Hence, he can keep you happy after your father.

Hii Jyoti,
Whatever Pulkit said is Very correct in every aspect....
Let me take it this way, you was well known that you might not get acceptance from your father for a non-sikh guy for marriage, still you choose to step into realtionship with a non-sikh guy, if you have guts to go against your Dad's decision at that time, how can you think of stepping back now when this is the real time of testing how much you both love each other, or should I say how much you love your guy, as he still tends to wait for you and you are the one who is stepping back in this relationship, show some guts and pull out all your weapons to win your love as this is the ultimate test where everybody tries to escape from the situation, if you really do love your guy than you should at no cost think of compromising at any cost for your love, try and convince your parents about your love and marriage with your loved one, try to explain them what are those qualities of your guy that have forced you to fall for him, if possible ask them to meet your guy once and try to know him and then decide whether he is good for you or not.
If he is not born in a sikh community, what is his fault, why should he be rejected just for not being a sikh, there are many more important things apart from caste and religion that definitely matter for a successful relationship and married life, and if he possess all those required qualities like:
1. He loves and cares for you a lot
2. He has a good understanding with you
3. He respects his elders and others
4. He has a sound financial background
5. Moreover he is ready to accept you the way you are
Than he should also be treated fairly as an individual, just being from some other community does not tell that he may not be capable of carrying your responsibility.
How come your dad decide whether to make you marry to your loved guy or some other guy even before meeting your guy, its a question of your life and happiness, surely your father and mother have a right to influence on this but they don't have any right to ruin 3 lives together by forcefully making you marry to some other guy, 1. of your own, 2. of your boyfriend and 3. of that may be guy your father chooses, as neither you nor your bf may think of marrying any other person except you both for each other, and if they forcefully make you to marry any other guy too, that will be of no use, as you may not accept or love the guy the same way you love your boyfriend.
Make him understand that the marriage and life works smoothly on Patience, understanding and love and loyalty and not because of any caste or religion difference, and you and your boyfriend both have a very good understanding with each other and you both love and compliment each other very well, which will definitely be helpful for your future married life o make it happy and lovely.......just ask him a simple question, why has he brought you up and made you what you are today, only to listen to what he says and accept his forced decisions on you, or because he wants you to see happy throughout the life...just tell him the choice is his, whether to force his decision on you about your life and see you sad and in misery for the whole life or see you happy and make yourself be proud of your father for supporting you to make a decision which is right for you and in favor of your happiness and to choose his daughters happiness as a first priority or to consider the double faced SOCIETY and their so called respect in it by making you marry to a person of your own religion and making you live a sad life???

hi swapnilramani,

I understand where you are coming from. I would not of got into a relationship with him if i knew religioun would be an issue as my mother clearly stated i find someone of the Punjabi culture, whether it be sikh or hindu. However this could of been said to make sure i find someone that is only of the Indian origin and no other. But its difficult when your in a society where there are a mix of different cultures and people. I fell for him because he possessed all the qualities i see for someone i can be with in the future such as,
1. Kind hearted
2. Clever
3. Someone who will be able to take care of me
4. an accepting family
5. good degree

All these things is also what i know my parents would be happy with. But as my parents are getting older they brought in the topic how my dad is ill, and i ain't making anything better. I feel caught between 2. I feel as if my parents wont be able to be happy with it and in the end i will have to make a choice. I'm just not sure what choice it will be.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jyoti.k

hi swapnilramani,

I understand where you are coming from. I would not of got into a relationship with him if i knew religioun would be an issue as my mother clearly stated i find someone of the Punjabi culture, whether it be sikh or hindu. However this could of been said to make sure i find someone that is only of the Indian origin and no other. But its difficult when your in a society where there are a mix of different cultures and people. I fell for him because he possessed all the qualities i see for someone i can be with in the future such as,
1. Kind hearted
2. Clever
3. Someone who will be able to take care of me
4. an accepting family
5. good degree

All these things is also what i know my parents would be happy with. But as my parents are getting older they brought in the topic how my dad is ill, and i ain't making anything better. I feel caught between 2. I feel as if my parents wont be able to be happy with it and in the end i will have to make a choice. I'm just not sure what choice it will be.

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Hi jyoti.k,


Exactly what swapnil said above. Your boyfriend has all the qualities you aspire for. All you need to do is convince your father on this.
And as I said above, win your mother's confidence first. If one among the two is convinced, you won't find it very much difficult in convincing the other. So, try to gather as much support as you can so that other might start doubting on his decision.

See, this will take sometime but I feel, you will get through this.