My brother is very aggressive : Is he suffering from some disease?

Hi All,

I am 25 years old and I have a younger brother who is 23 years old. This query is for him because for years I have been wondering if he is mentally sick. It shouldnt be late now if medicines can really help him or say us.

Since childhood my brother has been poor in studies but always active when it comes to electrical things. He barely passed his school and got into engineering college where he took up electrical branch. Surprisingly he did brilliantly well in his academics there and passed with honors. But meanwhile we started to see abnormal changes in his behavior. He is too helping and caring when it comes to be a brother or a son but he and my father doesnt go along well because of wide thinking mismatch. But rather then forgetting this he keeps taunting my father. Every time he comes home, he will say something or the other which will hurt my father. Any topic on which their views din't match! My father is 54 years old and have suffered from heart attack and paralysis. He gets very short tempered too. But he has separated himself from all of us because of my younger brother's misbehavior. He locks himself in a room and keep staring at the wall.

I too am a reason for his low health in disinterest because it took me more than 2 years to convince him for my marriage with my bf. But now he is okay too because him and my finace go along nicely. He is quite cheering when my fiance is around. But I always want to see him happy like this, given my brother cools down his temper.

Arguing is nothing, but my brother has even done suicidal attempts 3-4 times by now out of despair. Cutting his wrist and trying to pull a rope across his face, such things he did when small arguments grew so much between him and my father that he thought his life is useless.

Individually they both are very likable personalities to people around but together their is so much heat. Me and my mother at times stuck, mainly my mother. She doesn't know whom to quiet down.

When my brother was 8-9 years old, for a while he was on psychiatric medicines because of his abnormal and short temperament but my father worried that it will make him think that he is mad and stopped the medication!

But now it is getting difficult to deal with him. He is very aggressive, blackmails my mom and dad - he will break stuff at home, cut his wrist things like that. He will lock himself in a room, listens to song loudly to cool him down i guess but in the moment he spoils everything. He will help my mom in kitchen and with other stuff but all in vain when he goes wild for small arguments. He is hypocrite too. He can cuss you but you can't or else he will break stuff at home. Breaking chairs, mugs, throwing things is his way of black mailing him. No body can tell him a word.All my elders who are close to him have tried it but no help.

Do you think psychiatric treatment can help him? He himself says at times take me to a Dr. How to deal with it now? Can I meet the doctor alone and explain this to him/her?

Please please help. I can't leave my parents alone with him if he doesn't grow up.

Thanks in advance.

Hi Dish, you have been facing a lot of mental trauma and also your father. I am sure your father is now in depression because of repetitive abnormal behavior of your brother. But that is something can be handled easily.

Actually what you said, it clearly means that your brother has some sort of Autism and that is the reason that despite poor in studies, he passed engineering with honors. Which is again sign of certain level of autism. But as you said, he is generally nice and caring so it means he has overcome autism to certain degree but must be facing some anxiety. He is actually not happy from inside and that is causing sudden burst and anger which is actually frustration coming out.

In short, he is burning from inside and he really need care, talk to your father that instead of making faces when see him, give him support, keep smiling when he is around. Give him reason that he is SICK.. ask father to ignore his behavior and appear happy to him for 2 months. Biggest thing you need to do is to never ever TAUNT or TEACH him anything like what to do and what not. If you really want to talk to him and tell things then do it once a week when he is really happy and willing talk to you and do it alone.

Also remember, in such situations, people have very hard time to ignore even smallest thing so if he is making issue on any small thing, don't remind that its small , but rather conceal the subject and divert his mind.

Doctors can't do much because its family who is around him 24/7, they will prescribe some antidepressant and anti-anxiety drugs which he may need to talk for 4-6 months and even more.

So in short, you can do following things:
1. Never taunt / advice to him
2. Appear happy to him thinking he is sick and he needs help. Never let him feel that his presence is disturbing to anyone in house.
3. Give him a reason to smile, ask him to do things for you and praise him and make him feel rewarded.
4. Don 't force him to change, he will change gradually.
5. Do his counseling once a week or 10 days or so when he is in mood to listen to you, let him know that he is important for everyone, tell him what he can do to make everyone happy but very diplomatically.
6. You can always visit doctor and get drugs prescribed but remember, never let your brother feel his sick.
7. Find out why he is feeling sad or burning inside ie. reason for anxiety.

I saw other thread where you said your brother is looking for JOB , it can be also one of the reason he is frustrated. Tell him that be cool, wait for good because if in hurry, you may not get good job ever. Also, you need support of your family.

One more thing, when your brother is in good mood, talk to your brother same that your father is depressed and we should ignore his acts and anger and you need HIS ie. bro's support to make father better.

That is what I can advice here. Keep sharing status here, you may also consult doctor . Also, I must say that you are a very patient and responsible girl, I am sure you can change things.

Good luck.

Thanks Aarish for your quick response.

Me and him share a good bond when he is happy and I do talk to him about my father when he is ready to talk but listening to him I feel that he thinks that my father's decisions are "always" wrong. It could be one of the reason for sure, because my father believes in people easily and will go for expensive deals when things can be handled easily and economically better too. But their my father's argument is that it is his discretion on how to use his money! But their me and my mother do not argue, why does my brother need to argue then! He makes us think that he is the one running the family even while he is not working. He has so much over-confidence in himself that he will not even be ready to listen to your argument at times! Even if you try to ignore him that's a problem, he will throw stuff for that too! How can he expect us to be good to him always while he is always doing his own will!

And talking to my father is difficult , because he thinks since my brother is 23, by now he should have been mature enough to at least respect his father. Decisions defer but that doesn't mean you disrespect your father. Show your father that you hate him, try to black mail him. So all I want to say is my father has given up on him... I guess I should see some dr once, at least take consultation.

Thanks again..

I read all you wrote and all I can say that you have not understood what I said.
Anyways, may be you should have gone through it before any pre assumptions. He is not over confident, he is "Insecure" and thats what causes anxiety.

But I tried.. lets see a doctor and I am sure he will not say anything new.

Hi Disha,



Situations like this is really common when two individuals of different beliefs, motives, ideologies clash with each other. You have misjudge your brother's behavior. It's not that he doesn't respect or love his father, he does of course. He is just against your father's beliefs and motives. He questions and argues upon what your father thinks and what he does. As you wrote above, your father easily trust other people and crack expensive deals with them, which is a concern for you and your mother as well, but you guys don't speak. Opposite of which is your brother who feels its not right and justified for your father to spend all his hard earned money on someone when that money should be saved for family's benefits.

Talking about your father, he is 54 and quiet experienced. It wouldn't be good if you point him out wrong every now and then. Somewhere, it might hurt his emotions that his own little one's are questioning his motives and beliefs. When a person reach at that age, it gets very difficult for him to accept that he did wrong and that people younger to him are guiding him along. So, I would ask you to talk to your father on this and request him to accept his son's rude behavior towards him. That's a question on his parenting abilities.

What, personally I feel you can do is, either talk to your brother politely or strong affirmatively ( whatever you feel is worth ) and ask him to have a control on his anger. Tell him whatever he thinks is okay and agreed upon but he should also understand your father, being an individual has complete rights to do whatever he deems is right. There is no point in arguing over things when his inputs are not being valued upon. Explain to him that just like he cannot escalate his thinking and match it with his father's, similarly he should not expect his father to drop down to his level of understanding. There is a huge age gap and everyone belonging to this present generation is experiencing the pros and cons of it. If he is expecting a mature, elderly, 54 years old person to immediately adapt to ways of his thinking or whatever, he is highly mistaken. Also, by throwing things and pushing himself into aggressive talks and heated arguments he is disturbing the whole atmosphere as well as turning himself into a
"rageaholic" personality. He is not proving his point, but is creating a mess out of whole situation. Father is not going to change so easily when he has lived 54 years to a lifestyle and mentality, he has become so much habitual of. So, if he really wants to make things work out, he should better keep a check on his anger or else he will land himself in mental stress.



I hope things between you and your fiance are smoothing up.

Pulkit, I disagree here.
What I see, he is mentally unfit and he is facing anxiety and depression. What you have advised can work on people with balanced state of mind but I highly doubt it will work for him. There is mental state of mind where people can not control what they want to do and what don't want, they see that its wrong but still they do.

It seems simple that talking can help but currently his mind is in a state that he will not accept anything from other and will create mess. First is to bring him back to normal state and then explain things, it requires lots of effort, physical , mental and sociological and that is what all psychiatrist do.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Aarish Rizvi

Pulkit, I disagree here.
What I see, he is mentally unfit and he is facing anxiety and depression. What you have advised can work on people with balanced state of mind but I highly doubt it will work for him. There is mental state of mind where people can not control what they want to do and what don't want, they see that its wrong but still they do.

It seems simple that talking can help but currently his mind is in a state that he will not accept anything from other and will create mess. First is to bring him back to normal state and then explain things, it requires lots of effort, physical , mental and sociological and that is what all psychiatrist do.

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Hi Aarish,

Well.... I believe this is a very unpredictable situation. Sometimes, just softly spoken words and polite behavior might not proof enough to put your thoughts and words in other person's head. Hence, the other alternative is to forcifully push them inside.

Anyhow, Disha should be able to handle her brother and everything through whatever means she may accept. I read the above comments where she said she already had a talk with her brother but he is not listening to her anyhow.
So, I felt this alternative approach might be of some help.

If nothing works, its better that father and son talk over limited things. Her brother is not mentally unfit. If you check google, it says people tend to show these charactestics and behavior when they feel nobody is understanding their problem or their view- point. Its just a way they seek attention of others and dominate over others. Not mentally unfit, they are just rageaholic.

Anyways, lets see what Disha has to say.

I hope everything is good with Disha and his brother.
Disha, did you see a doctor to get advice, we really want to know what was the result of diagnosis of the doctor.

He is doing better now.

I started to nod in whatever he is saying, i hope he will understand soon.

Also i came to know lately that he is worried about my father's health too, i was happy to hear that.

Just talking can help i believe.

Thanks to u.

Good to know he is better now, also as advised earlier, make him feel better and rewarded, find way to make him feel important.

Did you see a doc for him ?

Hello,
Since he has had suicidal attempts, take him to a doctor urgently, his haywire hormones in the brain need to be addressed immediately; even though he may appear to be alright currently. And yes, you should speak to the doctor separately and explain the details. He would need consultation by a medical doctor as well as a psychiatrist, since there are some endocrine / metabolic disorders which can present this way and they need to be ruled out before one confirms and concludes the diagnosis and sometimes it can be overlooked just by going to a psych Dr. A CAT scan of the brain and abdomen(if necessary by exam & lab), as well as basic and metabolic lab tests will be done. Mood stabilizers, anti-depressants,anti-anxiety meds and whatever else required, along with certain forms of psychotherapy will comprise his treatment.
And it is good to keep the home and his surrounding environment at peace / in tranquil state and to carry out only subtle conversations and discussions, for his sake.


Dr.Sky
(Allopathic Dr.)

Well, just an update pals..my brother got a job and he is much much better..
i guess that's what was causing all these issues in his mind. Personal dissatisfaction!

I am happy for him now.
He is settled and away from town. Good for him!

Glad to know he is better now. But keep in touch with him and always praise him for his work.. keep him rewarded , eventually he will get completely normal.