Understanding conservative parents' mind set

Hi everyone,


It’s time for me share my problem with you guys. I’m a 26 yrs old girl in love with 29 yrs old guy. We both are working with stable career. We know each other from past 3 yrs. He’s a very mature, caring and understanding person and we have great compatibility. Problem is, we are from different caste and cultural background. He’s from north india whereas i’m from south.


His parents have agreed to some extent and told they’ll approve only if my parents approve. But my parents are totally against it. Main reason is society (also caste and language issue). They say ‘relatives/people are going to ridicule us, laugh at us. They will say we din’t raise our daughter well, dint teach her morals. etc’. They abused me, cursed me, abused and cursed my partner. They threatened to kill him, kill themselves. They said ‘if you want you can go marry him, but never come back to us. Never show your face, don’t even come to our funeral. You ruined our happiness, stature in society. You’ll pay for this, suffer in hell, etc etc’. I’m trying to convince them from past 6 months, but every time i open my mouth, they start yelling, abusing, and threatening me. They even fell on my legs once which was very hurtful, heart breaking. Sometimes i too lose my control and yell back at them asking why are they not ready to listen. But till now, i have not blackmailed them saying i’ll commit suicide or run away from house. I know that they cannot stop me from getting married to my partner. But this is not what i want.


I would like to give some more info about my family. I don’t share good relationship with my father. We are very very formal with each other. I don’t like him and his views. But i respect him. I’m very close to my mom. She’s very sensitive and kind hearted person. I have an elder sister who’s married and settled abroad (even she’s against my decision). So it’s just me and my parents here. My mom is not a social person, she’s very sensitive and scared about what people say. So, she brought us up the same way. I mean to say, we never mingled with relatives, neighbors, no social life since childhood. It has made me into a very reserved, asocial person. But i don’t have any issue with this. My parents don’t have good relationship with each other. She doesn’t love him, but has compromised a lot for us and for society. My dad is very good at verbally abusing. He’s very proud of our caste, and LOVES to control people (us, his siblings) and acts like head of entire family. He’s very calculative and money minded. He has verbally abused us lot of times for no reason at all. But it has reduced a lot now.


After i discussed this matter with my parents, he started hurting my mother verbally in front of me. Since i don’t tolerate such things, i told him to confront me not her. Whenever i fight back, he stops for a while and starts again. And my mom says ‘no need to support me’. All three of them say hurtful things to me, behave like they are victims (not sure if they really feel that way) to make me feel guilty.


I might be wrong, but i feel my mom fears she’s going to become alone if i marry him. She’s not close to relatives, neighbors, has no social circle. And my sister is not going to come back for next 10 yrs. Based on this assumption, i assured her that she’s equally important to me. I’m never going to stay away from her, we are going to settle down in same city (which is true) and that I’m not ready to lose her. But she’s still not convinced.


I’m ready to do whatever it takes to convince my parents, make them happy. I’m ready to clear their doubts, fears to my best. But they are not ready to listen. They are not ready to look at my partner’s photo let alone talk to him. Why are they hurting themselves like this? Why does this caste issue bother them so much? I really, badly want to understand them and support them in this situation.


Why should i lose them to gain him in my life? Why do they put me in this situation? Why can’t we just think about our lives and our happiness instead of wasting time on what society thinks. Why is it so difficult? I’m not asking them to give their life, money or anything. I don’t want anything from them. But i don’t want them to abandon me just because some strangers are going to judge us.


Can someone please advise me in this situation, so that i can avoid hurting anyone as much as possible at any cost (except leaving my partner) ?

Hi zyx987,



Well, this is a very common situation in India. We have many threads on the problem of the same nature. There's no direct way to handle it, other than talking. It's difficult and time consuming, but that has only proved out best.


You said, you're close to your mother. Your mother, as I could judge from your problem statement, is sublime, sort of afraid and dependent on your father. She would never be able to raise voice against him. She, perhaps, has this fear of being left abandoned by your father, owing to his dominant nature. But, this is all wrong.
She needs to realize that marriage is not a joke, its not a game and that your father needs her not less than she needs him. So, in all possibilities, they both are equal and if she has this fear of left abandoned, she is highly mistaken.

A male figure, like your father, whom you described as dominating and strict to his principles, is generally seen as very rude and dominating only inside his house and on his family members, who obey him and respects him. If he is angry or shows his dominance over you all, is because he knows that you all will listen to him as you have been listening to him always.

But, dear ma'am, it's real life. Its your life and it depends entirely on you how you shape it up. If you feel you're right in your decision of marrying your boyfriend, you should take a stand. And not only you, but he should also support you in this.
Wait a second, that doesn't mean, you plan to elope and get married or hurt your parents by trying to commit suicide. These are acts of cowardliness and we, here, don't appreciate it. Hence, we don't support.

What I mean to say is, don't feel afraid to talk to your father on it directly. Take it for granted, he will loose his temper and will try to push you down. But, you need to first have a little faith in yourself, a little in God and a little in your Love. There's no need to stir a fight or turn a conversation into a heated debate.

Sit with him, and talk to him on this. If he doesn't listen to you, try again, try again until he listens to you. Understand, he has built his life on some principles and has lived all these years following them, not caring whether they were right or wrong. Now, his own daughter is trying to stand up against his principles, it will definitely take time for him to understand, digest and accept to the changing scenario.

Tell him that you don't want to hurt either him or yourself from committing suicide or running away from him. Though you can do that, by law, it's legal. But you won't. Explain to him, that society, relatives, his pride, your honor don't matter to you at all.
People will say, no matter what you do. It's their work to point fingers at others for no reason. But for you, its your life, your happiness that's important and you really don't care about anyone, except your own family.

So, tomorrow, if you are married to a guy of your community and you commit a suicide or you're divorced, these people, this society will again point fingers on him for choosing the wrong guy for you. It's their work and that's what they are best at.

But, if you are happy in your life, his respect in your eyes will grow. Even if people outside say him wrong things, you will always be there for him, as his daughter.

So, talk to him and ask him what's more important to him, your happiness or his fake pride which can be shattered anytime. Make him realize how much you love your partner and how impossible it is for you to live without him.

Make him understand, that, even if you're married to some other guy, you won't be able to justify your role as a wife and won't be able to love him, thereby, destroying 3 lives - yours, your boyfriend's and your husband.

Your father really has no right to destroy someone else's life.


I don't think there's any point in talking to your mother because she won't be able to take a stand against your father. Similarly, your elder sister too. So, talk directly to the person who could make a decision. Cry out load, sit down on your kness, weep, but try to make things happen.


Things will get difficult with time. But, that's exactly how most difficult relationships have survived. This is Love. Welcome to the battle.