Feeling guilt of ruining married life of my ex-boyfriend!

I was in a 2 yr relationship with a man 7-8 yr older than me when i was preparing for engineering exams. Within few months of it, i got to know he's married and has a daughter too. I felt shocked and discussed the matter with him. he accepted that he lied to me but asked me not to move out as things were not fine bw him n his wife. he used to live alone and his wife used to live in another city with her parents. he said income difference ws d main reason that his wife doesn't want to live with him and make fun of him.
he was such a wonderful and charming person that i decided to be with him or you can say i was a fool. Well when i got admission in 1 of prestigious engg clg & continued my relationship, I gt to know he had another child with her wife. I was just frustrated that time and tried to talk him once. We discussed the matter at his home and decided to break it up. Then I was busy in my clg life(i was academically good and clg pressure kept me engage all the time), he used to call me once in a while..but i started shouting and ignoring him by that time. But sometimes I used to cry not for him, but for what I have done i.e. ruining some1's married life. (I always use to wonder about my guilt)
Few months later a guy in the clg proposed me. I denied. he continued proposing me several times. We started with friendship and later I too began to have feelings for him. I told him everything about my past, except one thing. That I was not aware of the fact that my x is married. (till today my closest of friends don't even know this thing bcoz of the fear that they'll hate me).
Me and this clg guy are in a love relationship for more than 6 yrs, we did our masters together, now we are in jobs in different companies. I am so happy with him, we are planning to get married by the end of this year or starting of next year.

2months ago i got an e-mail from my x. He said he was missing me so much. I didn't reply. One day, i replied him and asked for his number (i always had this question in my mind that why he did all this to me). He refused initially but later shared it. I called him up and we talked for 3-4 minutes about each others' well being and lives. One night he called me, he was drunk and said he still loves me and can do anything for me. I decided not to talk to him. In the next morning he apologized for yesterday's behavior.

I rang him 2 days before and asked everything. I got to know he has a 3rd child too. Still he does not lives with his wife, but visits them once in a month. He asked me to come back. He said he lied to me..just because of the fear of losing me.His wife still taunts him by my name. (his reaction when i talked to him @night)
he knows about my bf and i told him that im getting married. he felt very happy and said atleast one of us should have a good life and blessed me (his reaction when i talked to him @ next morning)
Both of his reactions are contradictory. I am doubtful as always.
I know i should not trust this person again. Even I am not trusting him anymore. but the thing is, his married life is ruined and he's all alone. I think it is because of me.

My question is whether i should feel the burden of his staggering marriage or not. I decided not to talk to him and he also promised me of not calling..then I cried like anything after all these communication. How do I get over feeling pity for him. I am feeling :(

(only serious replies pls)

You were in relationship with this guy when you were almost in school, as you said you were preparing for engineering. You have not mentioned that how you met this guy, anyhow for me, it looks like he kept you in dark right from the beginning. Chances are very strong that being 7-8 older than you, he was just playing with your emotions and innocence. I suppose that it was again this man who initiated relationship with you. Certainly you have soft corner for him and will remain there always. But in my view, when all this started you were very innocent as compared to maturity of this man at that time. That is another thing that because of being in relation for such a long time, he may have developed affection for you but it is very obvious, you have affection even for you friends just because you meet them frequently. I want to add here that even at that time he was married then why he moved into relation with you ? He was quite mature at that time so can't say that it was a mistake... rather it was a pre-decided move from his side. You have not mentioned how far you both went into relation but still its clear that you both may have intimate relationship. Correct me if I am wrong.

So, may be you can think about how it all started and how he carried this relation, you may then decided yourself.

Though, directly dealing with your question, you mentioned here that he was in constant touch with his wife and things were not that bitter as he said between both because after regular interval you mentioned about his new child. Most probably, his wife was in some JOB or may be he was living away from his wife because of JOB but presenting this situation to you as a conflict. Again, looks like his relationship with you was completely on the basis of fake facts.. still you have to decide.

As per me, again, I would like to add here, you made big mistake when you responded his email, when you asked his phone number and when you talked to him. You may not have slightest idea that how terrible your current boy friend will feel if he gets to know about all this , ie. that you are still talking to him. Also, for this man, even if for once we take him a genuine lover ,still he is at mistake ... not you! He completely manipulated you and it must be him who should feel the guilt .

You have a beautiful life ahead, you are already in a nice relationship and as per my view, even thinking about this man or anything related to him is like ruining your own life.

So whatever you decide, do share here and let me know what made you to do so. Even if my assumptions are wrong then do tell me what was the exact situation at that time.

PS: Welcome to eTI

@ricky: thanks
yup. all your assumptions are almost correct.He met me as a teacher in school. he came there as a substitute teacher. (I know I malign a student-teacher relationship). I accept that it was a mistake to respond his mails and calling him up. But it was kind of frustration in me that made me do so. As I always wanted an answer from him for his deeds because he played with me and my emotions. I regret having an affair at an early age.

My problem is I am feeling more guilt after talking to him 2 days ago. How to get rid of this feeling...this is what I wanted to ask here.
I can't share the whole thing with my school friends...college friends...or with anyone else. because I have already mentioned that I lied about one thing.
My decision is firm and final that I won't talk to him (this is what he too has promised me ). But I am just not able to do anything but thinking about his married life and his wife & kids. I think God will never forgive me. I continued to had an affair with him despite knowing the fact that he is married and has a family.
One more thing, should I tell my bf and my best friend(s) about the truth I have been hiding from them for years??
What was his intentions when he said "at least one of us should lead a good family life"?? Was he just gaining my sympathy or ??

You were not mature enough at that time to take the right decision, no matter how smart or understanding you are , age and experience of life plays very important role. Definitely he made you into the relation but not you. Only thing here surprises that your relation with him lasted longer than your academic session. Generally, girls at school times are way too much impressed with teachers because of their proficiency and intelligence in the subject they teach but they forget that teachers are lot older than them and for most of the teacher its like rewinding tapes every year when they teach. So,its not intelligence or smartness.

Anyways, why you think that his married life is ruined, are you sure that other than you there were no other girl student with whom had any affair ?
You know, there are ups and downs in everyone's life and even married life. When you are angry with your one friend you go to see your other friend who you may have not seen from long. So, I think whenever he had any dispute with his wife, he may remember you and may be one such time he sent you mail. Hope you understand what I am trying to say.

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What was his intentions when he said "at least one of us should lead a good family life"?? Was he just gaining my sympathy or ??

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Regarding above, I have already answered that you and he were in relations for real long time so if there is any affection then don't be surprised. May be still he is manipulating you but if not then does it matter to you after what all he did.

And yes, you did a mistake of not telling anyone in the beginning, may be by then your friends or others may have stopped you. But now don't tell anyone about all this at all.. I strictly advice you! and rather forget everything, delete his mail, his phone number so that in future there are no chances even out of haste to get in touch with him.

Yeah I think I deserve better things than crying and weeping for such non-sense.

The reason because of which I feel his married life is ruined is the same as mentioned above. I was aware that he' married and still involved with him. Had I been moved myself out of this relation the very first time, things would have been different (probably). This is the thing dancing in my mind every now and then. But I 'll try to get over it sooner.

Hmm I also feel that it would be better not to disclose that hidden truth because the right time has already gone for that.
I have already deleted his contacts and mails even from trash. I will try to keep myself engage with my stuff, so that even the slightest of his thoughts shouldn't enter into my mind.
Thanks Ricky for this +ve dose

I asked that why u feel that his marriage is ruined.. may be its not ruined at all but he showed you this way. You were not aware about his marriage when you went in relationship with him, later on when you get to know about it, you had affection for him. So, still not your mistake. Moreover, you were not mature enough at that time to take the right decision.

Anyways, its glad to see that you have taken your decision.

Hope to see you around at eTI.

You are right, I am not even sure about the things in his marriage. I just know what I have been told.
Then there is no point of feeling that bad.

Some of you must be wondering that how could I decided to be with this person after knowing that he is married and has a kid. I think it was the first love kind of thing (from my side) which generally remains unconditional and innocent. Love/attraction/whatever it was...I was willing to go any trial/tribulation for him. I was stupid, immature...I was not even 18.

I have found love somewhere else. I am living a happy life.

Those past few days were very destructive ... painful...but now after discussing it here with some sensible inputs from Ricky..I am feeling good. Sometimes my mind wanders here and there usually when I go to bed. But I know I'll get over it. Thanks

The reason I exchanged mails and called him up was probably "the void".(created by situations at that time)

May be I was not wondering, considering your age at that time and again maturity of that person obviously he molded you the way he wanted.

Anyways, good to see that you are now allowing positive vibes to enter your life.

Goodluck !

Hi ya,
my advice from past experience is that if he was not faithful to you from the beginning of your relationship and nor was he faithful to his wife so really if anyone should be guilty of ruining to peoples lives is him!

Why worry bout someone that didn't worry about your feelings he could of been honest from the start to u and that would of gave you a choice not to start something with him in the first place.

Dont feel guilty because were all human at the end of the day if we dont make mistakes we wont get wiser you know it in yourself that you wouldn't be with him again so just move forward with your life and leave your past in the past and face your future with happiness with the man that hasn't lied to u and has been faithful through out your relationship but dont feel bad for that mans mistakes he knew he was married so why did he come in your life dont be guilty because god only knows how many women hes been with if he can cheat on his wife with u what makes you think he hasn't been with anyone else learn from your mistakes.
Dont worry bout about people do alot worse things than what you've done go and enjoy ur life and stop feeling guilty for someone that never valued your life and nor respected you.

Hope My advice helps stay happy and good luck for the future and hope u have a lovely wedding with the man that really loves you and respects you ;-)))))))xx