Choice between parents and the person I love

Iam a 27 year old female working as a teacher in delhi. i am in relationship with a guy since 1 and half year. He is 29yrs, MBA. we both belong to the same caste. I met him through a matrimonial site. but my parents dont aprrove of this relationship since they say i have chosen him myself and i have betrayed their trust. even when they said no his brother about this alliance i kept contact with him. they said even if he is better than me they will not say yes since i have betrayed thrie trust. i lied to them i met him few times. his brother and uncle have tried talking to my dad but he doesn't want to talk to them. my mother doesn't like the way he looks. they want some engineer or a govt. officer. they said if i will marry him they will break all ties with me. what should i do??????

Hi isha.bhumika,


Here, there is a clash of ego between you and your parent's dignity. Honestly speaking, you have done almost everything to convince them but if someone is adamant on not following up or not agreeing with you, then there is nothing you can do.

Your parents just want that their pride or respect is intact. But ideally, they are not understanding the point that its your marriage which is lifetime thing happening once. How their pride and honor will be affected if you are married happily to a person of your choice?

Well, though it seems difficult but this is not the time to give up. Instead you should give some more time, put in some more effort to make them understand that its your life and your right to get married to a person of your choice. You could have had eloped away silently and got married to him. But you are not doing it since you love them. Moreover, they would appreciate you blaming them in future for not accepting your relationship and marrying you to someone else just to safeguard their ego and respect.

I believe, you should give some more time to it. I am positive, they will agree.

hey try to speak and convince your mother or father who ever you are close to. Also try convince someone who influence your parents decision making like elderly of the house. Hope this works for you

I think once again the clash of ego of parents hurting emotions of a happy couple here, I would like to suggest you to first of all don't give up at any cost, and secondly, you have to be very very polite in handling all these, because it is the decision of your life as Pulkit said, you can not ruin your life just because of the ego and dignity of your parents.
I can suggest you to go and calmly talk to your father, that by not making you marry your love and giving more priority to the family dignity rather than the life of their child, they are going to ruin the life of not just their child but with that they are gonna ruin 3 more lives and that of your bf, the person to whom they want you to marry and the last of the girl with whom your bf will marry, because neither you, nor your bf will be able to accept any other person in your lives except you for him and him for you. And still if he does not want to listen to it, then you have to be bit stiff in you voice while saying that whatever will happen with my life after this decision, you will definitely satisfy your EGO but you will be solely responsible for the misery I will be facing in my life and I would always hate my family for the same. Trust me nobody in this world will like to get his/her ego hurt or like to be the reason for others misery except if he/she doesn't have any feelings......don't loose hopes you will win your battle for your love....continue fighting, tell your parents that you don't want me to marry my bf no matter, then be ready to accept me through out the life and I will not marry anybody if its not by bf and will remain unmarried and sit at your house only, then decide whether making me marry to my bf will hurt your ego the most or not making me marry to my bf and making me sit throughout the life at your place be hurt you more???????

Actually u guys r rite, its the problem of ego. But now point is my parents think that i dont talk to that guy when im still in talks with him. Now my boyfriend wants that he needs some kind of surety from me that i will marry him. He says lets get married in a court without telling any body and then we will try to convince my parents. He says this will give him more confidence to talk to my parents. But i dont want to do that, i cant hide such a big thing from my parents. Now im in a fix how to start the topic again in my house as everything is peaceful now. My boyfriend's parents are also searching a girl for him, he says what should i tell them, u r not sure if u will marry me or not. Iam completely confused..............

Hii isha.bhumika,


I really don't understand why people just for the sake of avoiding heated arguments or agitated environment back off from something that's true and real ??

When you actually love him, you should accept it all the time and shouldn't feel guilty of anything. I completely understand its difficult for a girl always as you get to hear a lot from your parents but there is no point in backing off and hitting again.

Anyways, what you can now do is, handle your boyfriend first and be frank to tell him what's in your mind? I am sure, you are wise enough to not leave your parents for a guy whom you have just met and fallen for.
See, isha, I personally believe that you should not leave your parents for someone, even if you love him with all your heart. Leaving a person who actually made you capable of loving, who has been with you in all times of difficulty and happiness, who has made you what you are right now, is not a fancy idea, is it?
So, if you ask me, going for a court marriage, keeping your parents in dark is something I will not appreciate.

Instead, after all this silence, you can start things afresh. Go to your parents and talk to them. try to get into the depth of problem as much as you can and try to figure out the root cause of it. Just an scratch on your parent's ego or dignity shouldn't be the reason for them to hurt your feelings. If there i something else, they should tell it to you.

Make it a point not to involve in any heated arguments, no fasting,, no hard things, no threatening etc. Your work is to convince them and not make them work in your way at a gun point. Value their emotions too. They have also some expectations from you. Try to come down to a mutual point and end things up in a WIN-WIN situation.

Cry, plead, sit on your knees and weep, talk to your mother and make her understand cause being a lady she might understand you better.... do whatever you feel like but just convince. respect their words, be polite and assertive in your words. Don't back off. tell them that you love this certain person alot and there is nothing you can do about it.

I am sure they will understand your word. Keep pursuing !!

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Cry, plead, sit on your knees and weep, talk to your mother and make her understand cause being a lady she might understand you better.... do whatever you feel like but just convince. respect their words, be polite and assertive in your words. Don't back off. tell them that you love this certain person alot and there is nothing you can do about it.

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This is exactly what I would say to you. Running away and doing a court marriage and keeping parents in dark is the last thing I would suggest, infact I hate all this stuffs, if you really have courage to love someone despite of the fact that your family may oppose to your relationship, then you may also have a courage to fight for your love and to handle and make the situation a win-win for both you and your parents.
For now as Pulkit Said, try to open up the relationship proposal again to your parents start with your mother and take her in your side, this will help you alot while convincing your father, make sure you have to be very polite while having a talk to either of your parents, you may also take help from your siblings who may support you for the situation.
All a Dad wants is happiness of his child and if you stay on fighting for your life and happiness for your love, you may someday succeed with your struggle.
You have to make your parents that happiness of their child should be their first priority and the dignity and respect the second, because they might force you to marry some other guy and gain respect and dignity from the SAMAJ, but they will make themselves the biggest enemy to happiness of their own daughter by doing so, and on the top of that, their daughter would never consider them as ideal parents who look for happiness of their daughter and would continue to curse them for life for forcing their decision on you......nobody will have a courage to hear that their own daughter will hate them for their decision and would not respect them the way she does in future just because of their forceful decision..

Thanks a lot for your advice.....every day i wake up with a thought that today i will talk to my parents but i dont know some how words dont come out of my mouth. i really feel scared. I need that one push or some situation so that i can start my conversation. My boy friend says if i feel unable to speak i can send email to my parents. Actually last time he himself went to speak to them but my dad refused to talk on this matter. So now i dont know how should i start.....i know it sounds as if iam really a wimp but words are just not coming out of my mouth.

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Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Thanks a lot for your advice.....every day i wake up with a thought that today i will talk to my parents but i dont know some how words dont come out of my mouth. i really feel scared. I need that one push or some situation so that i can start my conversation. My boy friend says if i feel unable to speak i can send email to my parents. Actually last time he himself went to speak to them but my dad refused to talk on this matter. So now i dont know how should i start.....i know it sounds as if iam really a wimp but words are just not coming out of my mouth.

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Well, its actually not difficult. Take out sometime, which you think will be the best to initiate a talk with your father. Generally, I feel, time just after dinner at night would be the one suited best. I am saying this because, if you talk to him in the morning, you might spoil his complete mood. Anger and agony will keep him occupied the whole day as and how various thoughts will pile up. Night time is the best because you will be able to end this discussion after sometime, because obviously, it will be the time for you all to grab some sleep thereby avoiding any heated discussions for long time. Also, all through his night you will give him a chance to think about it seriously, ask to himself whether whatever he is doing is right or wrong, what his daughter expects from him, analyse the whole situation and come to a decision.

Do everything patiently. Approach your father with a problem. Tell him he is the only one whom you can only share up everything. Beg him to understand you. That's all you can do.

Ofcourse Isha, you now have only one thing to do, you have to convince you father by emotionally making him attached to the situation you are facing, ask him, whether he wants to see her daughter happy or they want to just satisfy their ego. Loving some one is not a crime, don't you love your wife and daughter?? and if loving is a crime then papa you too are a criminal to love your wife and your family. Your daughter has some expectations from you as Dad and I have always considered my father as my super hero and the closest buddy with whom I can ever share my feelings to and get support from, its now time for a friend to play his part in the friendship, think once as a friend and not as a father won't you like to help your friend to get married to a person she loves and the person she shares good understanding with, please papa just step in my shoes once and try and see what is going in my mind does a super hero ever hurt his followers???
Papa you say I have betrayed your trust by choosing a guy for me, no papa on the contrary I am trying my best to convince my dad my loving dad to give his acceptance because your daughter doesn't want to elope and marry she wants your happiness and consent to get married to the guy she loves, don't think that if a daughter has such a respect for his father and loves him such dearly, the father is doing correct by betray her trust and expectations that she have ever kept from an understanding father like you?????? Don't you think that you should forever be remain super hero for me and I should proudly tell the world he is my superhero and he is my best buddy I have ever met or should I tell the world with a shame that he is the man who respects his ego and pride more than the life of his daughter, will that satisfy your ego, just imagine what the world will say on that, it will only say you as a egoistic person and not a perfect father and trust me Dad it will more then anyone else hurt your daughter the most. I would have betrayed your trust if I would have eloped and got married without consent....but no I haven't done any such thing, because I know that my Papa loves me and will understand me and my love and would accept him with open arms....please Dad meet the guy and his parents once and talk to them and then make a decision.
And by giving consent to this marriage you will not only become more proud, but you will definitely be an example for the society of a perfect father who loves her daughter dearly........decision is yours papa whatever you choose to become more proud or to make your daughter feel the guilt and pain everytime she sees you infront of her......???????

Really thanx a lot for your valuable advice, i will try it out and i hope this time my parents understand me and everything takes a positive turn...............

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Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Really thanx a lot for your valuable advice, i will try it out and i hope this time my parents understand me and everything takes a positive turn...............

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Hi Isha,

Thank you for writing to us. I hope we were able to answer your query to your satisfaction. You can come to us anytime you want.

Keep Smiling !!!

Yesterday i told my parents at night that please dont luk fr ny other guy for me. I have genuinely tried forgetting him but it has not worked. Please just once for me meet him with an open and positive outluk. Iam sure u wil like him. trust me i have made a rite choice. just giv me one chance. .........and after this they started abusing me and him. my father punched and slapped me. they dint let me speak a word afetr that and kept on scolding me. they said iam jealous of my other cousins who got married before me. They said i would never be happy. Told me leave the house and marry him and they will break all ties wid me. they were annoyed of the fact that i have leaked the secret of my affair to my cousins. they said if ny 1 comes to them to persuade them they will throw them out of the house. my mother said she is like iron piller and her decision is full and final. she is not going change.

What shud be my next step???????

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Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Yesterday i told my parents at night that please dont luk fr ny other guy for me. I have genuinely tried forgetting him but it has not worked. Please just once for me meet him with an open and positive outluk. Iam sure u wil like him. trust me i have made a rite choice. just giv me one chance. .........and after this they started abusing me and him. my father punched and slapped me. they dint let me speak a word afetr that and kept on scolding me. they said iam jealous of my other cousins who got married before me. They said i would never be happy. Told me leave the house and marry him and they will break all ties wid me. they were annoyed of the fact that i have leaked the secret of my affair to my cousins. they said if ny 1 comes to them to persuade them they will throw them out of the house. my mother said she is like iron piller and her decision is full and final. she is not going change.

What shud be my next step???????

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Hi isha,

Frankly, you have seen their reaction. This might seem to you very unwanted, unacceptable and weird, but for me, this is actually natural. You might even see bigger things coming up in near future. If your mother can be an iron pillar, you can as well. It depends on how strong you can hold yourself.
Rest the matter here. Tell your parents you are not getting married anyway. You love to be single. Either its him or no one. Sit tight and keep mum but stick to your point. The more you push, more are the chances of you getting closer to make things happen.

Why do parents have to oppose love marriages at every cost ? But hey, what makes you believe that he loves you and is the one for you ?

Well Isha Pulkit is very correct here, parents always tend to stick around their decision and make every possible efforts to seperate you from your love, but at the end of the day whatever they fight and do, they always aim to keep their child happy and comfortable, so if your Mom says she is iron strong, I think its time for you to show that you are also a part of her and if she can be iron strong being her part you too are iron strong on your decision either to marry your love or nobody, just sit on their but as Pulkit said and tell them frankly if its not your boyfriend, then you are happy to be single and sit at home, then whatever the consequences would be for your family in the so called SOCIETY, that will all be because of you and just you for not understanding you daughter and giving your ego more importance then your daughters happiness, if this case still remains admant I will surely doubt whether you are the one who have brought me up and if yes, what was the reason for may upbringing just to make me a slave of your decision, well I have my own life and I have a right to take my own decision for my own life, I could have ran and eloped you to marry my boyfriend, but I am not a coward to do such small thing, rather I have chosen to convince you and I know being parents you will always look good for me, but the point is you are not understanding that this guy is best for me and you can not take his part away from my life at any cost, this would only be possible after my death and so if its not my boyfriend to whom you will tie knot with, then its nobody else too, be ready to face all the consequences and outcomings of your PILLAR IRON ATTITUDE and face the so called and your most loved (Even more than what love you have for your daughter) SOCIETY itself who will then oppose you at a point seeing your daughter getting older and older and still sitting at home unmarried. That is the only way now which will satisfy your Ego I think.

As u said i should just sit unmarried and wait for their decision to change. But what is the time limit. My friends are saying before taking any decision just think once that if u get married no one from your family will talk to you as your parents will not let them keep contact with you. They said its only till the honeymoon period that everything looks good but after that when monotony sets in girls tend to miss her parents and family. They said keep in mind that then their will be no one to share your feelings from your family, you will not be invited to any family gathering. Can you tackle all this. If yes then only go ahead otherwise leave him and do what your parents say. My cousin said if by chance you get married on your own and your father gets an attack, blame would be on you. She said since your father dint let his own sister have love marriage then he must be thinking what will she say if he allows his own daughter.

I mean people are putting me under all soughts of pressure, fear and guilt. I said to them that since childhood till now i have always done whatever my parents said without questioning them. I never realised that even i can use my brains and have a choice. I have always made their choices mine. And i never had any probs with it as i was not aware that i too can think. I have never taken any decision on my own. But really this time i want to do what my heart syas is right. And i dont want to feel guilty about it. Iam ready to face all consequences.

I dont know till when should i wait and what will happen after that but yes iam waiting and waiting........lets see what happens.

Hi Pulkit..............I love him but i dont know i have never been able to put it into words. He is a man of pure heart. He understands human nature at a deep level. He is mature, respects women and is not tied to orthodox ways of thinking. he believes in living his life to the fullest. He believes happiness is eternal and is not dependent on money or other valuable stuff. He doesn't go by what others say he does what he feels is right. My parents have said so many things to him but he has never taken out his anger on me. He says his self respect is not dependent on what others say about him. I respect his thoughts. He says i need to be confident and independent. He says if i decide to leave everything and marry him i should first be confident about myself. I need to be confident enough to tackle things if afterwards i realize that my decision is wrong. He said you should not blame any one.
Other than this, We belong to same caste and sub caste. He is B.com MBA and works for a company on a package of 8 lacks. He is also in the process of finalising the purchase of his own house. All his siblings are married and his mother lives in saharnpur and he lives in delhi in a rented accomodation. He has mailed me all the scanned copies of his marksheets and degrees. I know his password of his bank account and email. ID. I have also been hearing (secretly) his conference calls to his mother and so i know he is not already married and is not faking around. A fake person would never go and meet the girl's father neither his family would get involved. But here his brother and uncle have also tlaked to my dad but everyting in vain.

My parents desired a groom who is born and brought in delhi like me. Who lives with his parents in a nice house at a good location. He should be B.tech(from a reputed college) or CA or a govt. job. And he should also be very good looking.
They had never expected me doing these things, so now they are in state of shock and dont want to accept things.

I dont know whether iam right or wrong iam just doing what my heart says is right at the moment. rest is my destiny.

your suggesstions please...................

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Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Hi Pulkit..............I love him but i dont know i have never been able to put it into words. He is a man of pure heart. He understands human nature at a deep level. He is mature, respects women and is not tied to orthodox ways of thinking. he believes in living his life to the fullest. He believes happiness is eternal and is not dependent on money or other valuable stuff. He doesn't go by what others say he does what he feels is right. My parents have said so many things to him but he has never taken out his anger on me. He says his self respect is not dependent on what others say about him. I respect his thoughts. He says i need to be confident and independent. He says if i decide to leave everything and marry him i should first be confident about myself. I need to be confident enough to tackle things if afterwards i realize that my decision is wrong. He said you should not blame any one.
Other than this, We belong to same caste and sub caste. He is B.com MBA and works for a company on a package of 8 lacks. He is also in the process of finalising the purchase of his own house. All his siblings are married and his mother lives in saharnpur and he lives in delhi in a rented accomodation. He has mailed me all the scanned copies of his marksheets and degrees. I know his password of his bank account and email. ID. I have also been hearing (secretly) his conference calls to his mother and so i know he is not already married and is not faking around. A fake person would never go and meet the girl's father neither his family would get involved. But here his brother and uncle have also tlaked to my dad but everyting in vain.

My parents desired a groom who is born and brought in delhi like me. Who lives with his parents in a nice house at a good location. He should be B.tech(from a reputed college) or CA or a govt. job. And he should also be very good looking.
They had never expected me doing these things, so now they are in state of shock and dont want to accept things.

I dont know whether iam right or wrong iam just doing what my heart says is right at the moment. rest is my destiny.

your suggesstions please...................

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Hi Isha,

Well, that leaves me with no doubt that your decision of marrying to him is not driven by just emotions but its a very mature and thoughtful one. Also, that your parents are somewhere very much emotionally hurt for what you admit you have done.

So, obviously things might take sometime to work out in your favor. Understand, they are filled with anger and frustration and their decision/action/reaction is a reflection of this anger. You should work in a way of bringing peace in house and that they don't enter into any heated debate with you. Too much of mental stress is not good for health.

Moreover, the point that you have mentioned in the above post where you said

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its only till the honeymoon period that everything looks good but after that when monotony sets in girls tend to miss her parents and family

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... I feel, depends on person to person. Yes, things are never same after marriage and for your whole life. Love which you are feeling right now might not be as intense then, but surely there will be ample of it still alive in your hearts. Moreover, it depends on you how much can you stretch it. So, your cousins are not completely wrong but yes, leaving your parents for someone you love is not a good idea for sure.

Our work is to settle the things in with a mutual agreement. You have come to an age when your parents are really looking forward towards your marriage, and definitely, its not the time they can risk much into it. So they are looking for the best match for you.

I suggest you should rest this matter for some days more. Try to meet your boyfriend and explain him your present situation. Get to know what he feels and how would he take it further. Tell me if he has some plans in his mind about his future with you.

Frankly speaking, there is no better way than communication through which you can solve this issue. Until and unless your parents get ready for atleast considering your choice, there is nothing much you can do.

So you can sit with them again, may be with your mother this time and ask her to meet your boyfriend once. If they really don't like him and reject him on a justified reason, you will marry anyone they choose for you. But before you want to get married to someone of their choice, you want them to meet him at least for once.

Act emotionally, practically or in whatever way you can do it to make things happen. We try to solve matter on emotional grounds, but if it doesn't works, we do it on practical grounds. All we can do and we have to do is just talk and talk and make them realize how very much impossible it is for you to consider yourself someone else's wife.

Hi Isha,

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They said its only till the honeymoon period that everything looks good but after that when monotony sets in girls tend to miss her parents and family.

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This is a difficult situation for every girl, but see we can not make an assumption right away, girls have to adjust according to their new family and values wherever they go and it normally takes time to do that, as far as missing family is concerned yes this will be the issue you will have to face initially, but these will be same wherever you decide to marry and go.

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They said keep in mind that then their will be no one to share your feelings from your family, you will not be invited to any family gathering.

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As far as this is concerned, I don't think, parents can be angry for more time with their child, yes, they will be angry on you, but if you decide to elope or marry against their will, but we are not advising any of such kind of things that will hurt your parents, we are always there to help you to sort out your problems with your parents just by mutual understanding.
And whatever Pulkit said is correct, unless your parents decide to take a chance to meet your guy we can not do anything except talking to them, after knowing the consequences you are facing whenever you are initiating this talk at your place about your marriage I may say you are a true fighter and you will not give up so easily for your love and your life.

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So you can sit with them again, may be with your mother this time and ask her to meet your boyfriend once. If they really don't like him and reject him on a justified reason, you will marry anyone they choose for you. But before you want to get married to someone of their choice, you want them to meet him at least for once.

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This seems a bit tricky and difficult pulkit, because whatever has happened till now is all infront of our eyes. And you are very well known that her parents have not moved an inch and even not left a bit of ego to even consider her point, and if she approaches her mother with this words, she may endanger her future because I don't think they might give any justification for rejecting as they haven't been able to give any such justification till now yet, so they will simply meet her boyfriend for Isha's sake and right away reject him and force Isha to marry someone else. This might not work for her Pulkit and I am not saying this right away, I am completely saying this as we have good proof of her parents ego whatever has happened now.

Pulkit as u said its not a good idea to leave one's parents for someone. I completely agree with you but here point is, if the choice was between him and my parents i would have chosen my parents hands down. No one can ever take their place. But here the choice is between him and the other guy which my parents will choose for me. How can i leave him for a stranger. So the choice is pretty clear.
My parents and my boyfriend have their separate places in my heart nobody can take each other's place. Both are important for me.

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Originally Posted by swapnilramani

Hi Isha,

This is a difficult situation for every girl, but see we can not make an assumption right away, girls have to adjust according to their new family and values wherever they go and it normally takes time to do that, as far as missing family is concerned yes this will be the issue you will have to face initially, but these will be same wherever you decide to marry and go.

As far as this is concerned, I don't think, parents can be angry for more time with their child, yes, they will be angry on you, but if you decide to elope or marry against their will, but we are not advising any of such kind of things that will hurt your parents, we are always there to help you to sort out your problems with your parents just by mutual understanding.
And whatever Pulkit said is correct, unless your parents decide to take a chance to meet your guy we can not do anything except talking to them, after knowing the consequences you are facing whenever you are initiating this talk at your place about your marriage I may say you are a true fighter and you will not give up so easily for your love and your life.



This seems a bit tricky and difficult pulkit, because whatever has happened till now is all infront of our eyes. And you are very well known that her parents have not moved an inch and even not left a bit of ego to even consider her point, and if she approaches her mother with this words, she may endanger her future because I don't think they might give any justification for rejecting as they haven't been able to give any such justification till now yet, so they will simply meet her boyfriend for Isha's sake and right away reject him and force Isha to marry someone else. This might not work for her Pulkit and I am not saying this right away, I am completely saying this as we have good proof of her parents ego whatever has happened now.

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Hi Swapnil,


Ya, I understood your point and very know what the outcome could be if Isha takes such a step. Her mother can reject that guy the moment she will meet him. But, that certainly will not be the end of the story as per my belief. For her mother to reject this guy she needs to provide her with some justified reason as to why on earth she dislikes him. As far as I could understand, her parents just don't want Isha to get married to this very guy because if it happens, their ego will be compromised. Else, going by Isha's previous posts, what incentive could possibly be of them rejecting such a good offer when the guy is interested, earning good, quiet capable, is in love with her etc etc ? And if there is a reason, they should put it forth.

Now what happens if her mother meet this guy and reject him because of some reason. Now that reason needs to hold some weight to justify the rejection. If her mother feels that the guy lacks in some qualities or whatever, these things can be repaired. If the guy genuinely loves her, he can very well do something to impress her mother or atleast give her an assurance that he will do it in the future. Nobody is perfect and every relationship goes through a phase of adjustments, compromises and repairs. If things are minor, they can be fixed. But at least we should have the correct idea as to why her parents rejecting this guy when everything seems perfect ?

Also, lets not think negative. May be her mother gets somewhat satisfied, if not very much happy after seeing this guy, meeting him in person and talking to him. This might make way for her to talk to her father with support of her mother. But until and unless they meet this guy, get to know him well, how can they be so judgmental ?

So, I guess its important for them to meet him because anyways this will open new ways to deal with the situation. If we keep on going like this, they will keep on ignoring her choices thereby hurting their daughter's emotions and ruining her life. The whole thing is stuck on this ego clashes. I am just trying to push them to make a further move so that we can know whats next on hand.




This is, on a very honest note, my projection. Would love to hear from you as well Swapnil.

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Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Pulkit as u said its not a good idea to leave one's parents for someone. I completely agree with you but here point is, if the choice was between him and my parents i would have chosen my parents hands down. No one can ever take their place. But here the choice is between him and the other guy which my parents will choose for me. How can i leave him for a stranger. So the choice is pretty clear.
My parents and my boyfriend have their separate places in my heart nobody can take each other's place. Both are important for me.

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Hi Isha,



I very well agree with you dear but if we keep on hitting them like this, one day you would probably hear from them that one statement parents love to use to weak their children emotionally - " Run away, Leave us and get married " or " If you have to marry, you need to choose between him and us " etc crap.

I certainly don't want them to say anything like this to you and also, don't want you to compromise for one such dear thing you always wanted. But, certainly, we cannot have such an approach always. We need to work in a direction that should prove of some benefit to both the parties - something lying midway, perhaps.

I know you are mature enough to make a wise decision and not get carried away by your emotions. You have grown up to an age where you make a decision after analyzing the complete situation and understanding the pros and cons of it. But certainly, I would never like your decision to flush down the drain just because your parents wants their ego to win.

We can talk, talk and talk about it every time the topic is brought up. Put the best of your efforts to convince them. Try the best of your levels to make things work out in your favor. Take a stand and act in a assertive manner.



I would also like to know what exactly happened between you and your parents which has lead to ego clashes and all ? Perhaps we can fix the situation there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Pulkit

Hi Swapnil,


Ya, I understood your point and very know what the outcome could be if Isha takes such a step. Her mother can reject that guy the moment she will meet him. But, that certainly will not be the end of the story as per my belief. For her mother to reject this guy she needs to provide her with some justified reason as to why on earth she dislikes him. As far as I could understand, her parents just don't want Isha to get married to this very guy because if it happens, their ego will be compromised. Else, going by Isha's previous posts, what incentive could possibly be of them rejecting such a good offer when the guy is interested, earning good, quiet capable, is in love with her etc etc ? And if there is a reason, they should put it forth.

Now what happens if her mother meet this guy and reject him because of some reason. Now that reason needs to hold some weight to justify the rejection. If her mother feels that the guy lacks in some qualities or whatever, these things can be repaired. If the guy genuinely loves her, he can very well do something to impress her mother or atleast give her an assurance that he will do it in the future. Nobody is perfect and every relationship goes through a phase of adjustments, compromises and repairs. If things are minor, they can be fixed. But at least we should have the correct idea as to why her parents rejecting this guy when everything seems perfect ?

Also, lets not think negative. May be her mother gets somewhat satisfied, if not very much happy after seeing this guy, meeting him in person and talking to him. This might make way for her to talk to her father with support of her mother. But until and unless they meet this guy, get to know him well, how can they be so judgmental ?

So, I guess its important for them to meet him because anyways this will open new ways to deal with the situation. If we keep on going like this, they will keep on ignoring her choices thereby hurting their daughter's emotions and ruining her life. The whole thing is stuck on this ego clashes. I am just trying to push them to make a further move so that we can know whats next on hand.




This is, on a very honest note, my projection. Would love to hear from you as well Swapnil.

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I went on through each and every thread put on here by Isha very carefully and have noticed to what Isha has described, his boyfriend and BF's family seems quite matured and calm to handle this situation, because they have kept trying to talk with Isha's parents even after they were neglected, this shows, that the guy is definitely not faking around and genuinely wants to marry our friend.
But my point here is you, her parents have always right from the start rejected the guy without any strong reason, and if there was any such reason, they haven't shown any interest in conveying it to Isha because of this particular fact I feel, this step will prove dangerous for her.
I agree with whatever you have said, that is completely true and is also a possibility, as they haven't met the guy and have kept rejecting him, might be a possibility, Isha's mother may like him after meeting him, but if you go through her post where she described, that after initiating a talk with her parents, she was first scolded by her mother and then her father took the action, so what I feel here is the mother is strongly opposing this proposal and making all tries to restrict her father from taking a positive step.
I also understand, without a meeting, they might keep rejecting the guy, yes meeting is important, but whenever Isha steps forward to plan for the gathering of her and her Bf parents she gets a downfall with her parents rejection.
And I am not getting negative, but this is what I have got right from the start of this thread, the message that her parents are badly forcing her to marry with the person of their choice, and if she takes this step, more chances are of once again getting rejected, as her parents want her to say that, if they don't like the guy after meeting they may reject him and she will marry the person of their choice directly, I am not getting negative but practically seeing I may conclude on this note, yes there is a possibility and a chance that her mother may like that guy, but again the ego factor comes into play would she still then approve him to be the groom for her daughter and would she let her ego down to convince her father for the marriage.
I think she should give it a try with a mere possibility or a ray of hope that the guy might be approved.
Isha, I too suggest you to have a talk with your mother and make your mother meet the guy.....best of luck.

Hi
ok here's the complete story........My parents had made my profile on one of the matrimonial site. This guy saw my profile and liked it but since he ws not a paid member he searchd me on FB and msgd me about his profile and askd me for my dad's no. so that his brother cn initiate matrimonial talks. I msgd him back that searching a groom for me is not my perogative so u kindly show ur interst thru that site only. he said that only paid members cn show interst so it wud be better that i giv my dad no. so that his family cn talk directly. But since i ws afraid as to what my dad say if i giv his no. i refused. (Actually my family doesn't discuss matrimonial things wid me. Whenever any family cums for this purpose at our house they tell me only an hour before. I had made up my mind to marry even a black dog if my parents bring him for me. I had no choices).
After this while we were on Fb sumhw talks started among us just casual talks about likes and dislikes. Afetr 2 or 3 days i felt this is all bad since frm childhood it ws ingrained in my mind that talking to guys is bad. I never had ny male frend. So i told him now i wil not talk to u. He said we r just talking generally wats wrong in that. our talks went on for around 9 days. He said he seriously wants my dad's no. but again i refused and blocked him frm my FB profile. Then there was a gap of around 1 month or so. I dont no but i ws missing sumthing, may be because i had never talked to ny guy and i had sum void in my life. i dnt knw but after one and a half month i unblockd him and msgd him on Fb " Hi iam sorry fr that day". After 2 days i gt a msg frm him that its ok, hw r u and all. Again our talks went on fr 3 or 4 days. Again my concious said no iam doing sumthing bad. (I knw iam sounding like a nerd but this ws hw i ws brought up) so again i blocked him frm my FB profile. After 28 days my father gt a call on his mobile frm USA. My dad told him to email him the boy's horroscope and bio data. It ws my boyfrend's cousin who ws talking about our matrimonial alliance. I ws secretly hearing it and ws amazed to find out that this guy ws still intersted. after one week i unblockd his profile and after sum time got a msg frm him. i askd hw cum he gt my dad's no. he said he went to that site's office and became a paid member. i askd him y hasn't he emaild his profile. He asked me are u also intersted, i said lets see wats my parents reaction .My parents dint like the profile because they wer lukin fr sum IITian or CA or sum one frm govt'. sector, Who has a house of his own in delhi and lives wid parents.

My dad told his bro. sorry but we r nt intersted, they never asked me. I dint feel nice but i told the guy we shud not talk now as their is no point, he said atleast fr few more days lets talk. We both genuinly made an effort to avoid each other but sum hw we ended up chatting fr hours and hours. after 2 months we exchangd phone no. I knew i ws not doing good but even then i ws doing it. Again i told him i dont want to talk to him as things will be messed up but again i used to miss him a lot. We met thrice before telling my parents about all this last year in MAy. i went up to my MOm i told her the whole story. She ws completely furious and scolded me a lot. But she dint tell my dad. After one week my boyfrend called my dad fr a meeting, till then my dad dint know about our thing so he agreed to meet him. But that very evening wen he discussed this wid my mom she told him everything about us. He ws also furious and abused my boyfrend a lot. My mother beat me up and took me to meet sum other guy. My eyes wer swollen as i had been crying the whole night. Those talks dint work . I snapped all contacts wid my BF as i dint see ny hope.
Again aftr one month my Bf emaild me and said he misses me a lot and wants to tlak to me. As i ws also missing him we stard talking again. We talkd for 4 months and felt agin that we shud talk to my parents again. Last october i told my mom again. she ws again furious and called me a traitor, characterless, and all other bad things.
So like this i hav tried explaing things to my parents 4 times in one and a half year. but their reaction is same all the four times. They have beaten me abused me and just dnt want to talk to his family. My BF went to my dad's office also but he refused talking about this matter.
Now iam just waiting and waiting .....................................

hey guys dnt think this relationship is only based on telephone calls, we guys have met many a times and tried to understand each other. So we know what we r getting into...................

Hi Isha,


Very well understood your whole situation and how bad things happening at your end. Basically, I don't see any reason as to why your parent's have rejected the match. The whole situation seems resolves around you and your mother and she is perhaps the one who actually screwed up the whole thing.

Moreover, you are born and brought up in a family which believes talking to guy or having any sort of relationship with them is taboo. Now, this feeling is deep rooted in them. There is no perfect answer to your parent's rejection to this offer except the fact that you spoke with this guy online keeping them in dark or whatever.

Honestly speaking, we cannot do anything in this case if your parents are constantly after you, screwing your life by being judgmental on a mere fact that talking to guys is a taboo. They seriously need to understand that world has changed and any guy who belongs to some IIT or to an institute of the same standards would never appreciate a thinking like that.

I suggest you should talk to others in your family, people who are elder to you and who can at least afford to stand against your parents and explain them the present scenario. See, its not the time to give up on anything and its not wrong to involve someone who understands your situation, is capable of judging what's right and wrong and who can try to convince your parents on this issue. What happens is, sometimes parents don't understand what we are trying to explain them, perhaps because in their eyes we are still kids and don't know what's right for us. But when some elders in the family are involved in the situation, a better discussion might pave a way in somewhat positive direction.

Here, you are one who is fighting back with your parents and they have drawn a conclusion that you are, by default, wrong. You need to explain them the same thing through someone who you believe can understand your situation and help you sort out this issue. This person can be anyone, like your elder brother or sister who's words might have an impact on your parent's decisions. Also, if you have someone like this in your family whom you think can help you, its really important that he understands your guy to depth as well. So, before you think of taking a step of this sort, you need to arrange a meeting between your boyfriend and this person of your family.


Again, if you don't have anyone whom you can count on or who could talk to your parents on your behalf, you are still stuck on it. Then there is nothing than waiting and waiting, talking to your parents on your own and trying to explain them everything through emotional and practical reasons.


Generally, parents have to show some flexibility towards what their child is saying. Understanding his or her words and telling him/her exactly where he/she is wrong rather than running away from facing the situation or trying to overpower by harsh words. This is actually not good parenting.

Anyways, Isha, give some more time to your problem as this needs to be addressed seriously. I am saying all this because I still feel some hope in it. I understand you are going through a very difficult phase but patience and calm will keep you going on.

Thanks for sharing the whole story, finally I am satisfied atleast Pulkit has cleared his doubts that were in his mind, so Pulkit, I think now you should get what I was trying to say right from the begining, that its not the case where both of the parents are against it is all about her mother who is screwing up the situation and Isha's life badly and Isha needs to get her mother's brain washed out first, then automatically her problem will get solved, as her mother may take proper care to convince her father for this marriage.
So, Isha now you have to try and find out a person whom your Mom respects more and whose words would never go on deaf years of you mother and try to convince that person to learn the whole scenario and help you to solve this problem, Now you have to go on a mission to put a your weapon infront of your mom, the weapon whose words your mom will never turn back on.
So, Declare "Mummy ko Manao Mission" on and start looking for possibilities and persons whom you can take your side to make your Mom understand the present scenario....You have to do whatever it takes to convince your mother and you don't have to give up, your persistence is being tested by the Lord, persist on your decision till the time that Lord will be forced to respect your wish and fulfill it.....Best of Luck.

Its been a month since my parents talked to me. Just yesterday they came to my room and asked if iam ready to change my decision to marry that boy or not. I said no atleast once u meet him. They again started shouting and gave all those illogical points, "why did u betray our trust? how come he has become more imp. than us? he must be bad boy who is teaching u to against ur parents......etc.etc. I said lets talk on logical points, tell me what is ur basic concern. They said he lives alone in delhi, I said ok fine his mother will come to stay with us. They said he is from marketting field and it must be a touring job and we dont like it. I said see he doesn't go on tours that often and if at times he goes iam ok with it. They said he lives alone he must have drinking haI n't said educated people drink occasionally and within limits. an tell me who doesn't drink in ur arranged marriages setup. both my cousin jijai's drink and they live in ajoint family. my own father drinks occasionaly. Then they said you have gone mad for him and speaking so much in front of us. al this and much more.......and finally they asked me if iam willing to marry him even at the cost of cutting all ties with us. I said iam willing to marry him but i dont want to cut ties with u that is ur decision not mine. They said but this is final that we will not have ny contact wid u. I said ok. ..............then they went to other room and came out after some time.......they said ok we will ask all our relatives to come this weekend at our house and we wll tell them about u and we will ask a pandit to take out a suitaible date for ur wedding any time in next month. we will get u married at some chota mota place, we wll be ther but we wont be happy. You have to surrender all ur savings or whatever you have earned in past 6 years and go away breaking all ties with us. I said fine....................

Well, it is qujte strange that your father and mother got ready for the marriage instantly after that fight, its a good sign as well as a bad too, calling evryone at home means more drama and more rona dhona kind of things lets see what happens lets pray ecerything gets on right track, also after marriage as few years will pass on, and once they will see you happy wid ua guy, eventually they will come back to you.....I don't really understand what all your parents require, by stating that condition of leaving all the income you hav earned to them, they just wanna satisfy their egos even after all this I just don't fet wwhat ua parents want from all this......

Quote:

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Originally Posted by isha.bhumika

Its been a month since my parents talked to me. Just yesterday they came to my room and asked if iam ready to change my decision to marry that boy or not. I said no atleast once u meet him. They again started shouting and gave all those illogical points, "why did u betray our trust? how come he has become more imp. than us? he must be bad boy who is teaching u to against ur parents......etc.etc. I said lets talk on logical points, tell me what is ur basic concern. They said he lives alone in delhi, I said ok fine his mother will come to stay with us. They said he is from marketting field and it must be a touring job and we dont like it. I said see he doesn't go on tours that often and if at times he goes iam ok with it. They said he lives alone he must have drinking haI n't said educated people drink occasionally and within limits. an tell me who doesn't drink in ur arranged marriages setup. both my cousin jijai's drink and they live in ajoint family. my own father drinks occasionaly. Then they said you have gone mad for him and speaking so much in front of us. al this and much more.......and finally they asked me if iam willing to marry him even at the cost of cutting all ties with us. I said iam willing to marry him but i dont want to cut ties with u that is ur decision not mine. They said but this is final that we will not have ny contact wid u. I said ok. ..............then they went to other room and came out after some time.......they said ok we will ask all our relatives to come this weekend at our house and we wll tell them about u and we will ask a pandit to take out a suitaible date for ur wedding any time in next month. we will get u married at some chota mota place, we wll be ther but we wont be happy. You have to surrender all ur savings or whatever you have earned in past 6 years and go away breaking all ties with us. I said fine....................

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Hi Isha,


Positive and negative points both happening together.

Lets dealt with each of them separately


Positives :

1) Your parents are ready for the marriage.
2) They are actually getting you married to him very soon.

Negatives :

1) The point that they have again threatened you to break all bonds with you, which anyways is not going to happen, as far as I have projected.
2) The relatives coming over. Its evident that the matter will be discussed in somewhat an open court with various suggestions coming in from everyone. Chances are that either your relatives convince your parents or you. Definitely, alot of drama is in the picture. You can speak to your relatives and siblings about this. You need to prepare yourself about this as well.
3) Though they have nodded for this marriage, but halfheartedly. Certainly, they are not happy and somewhere their ego is hurt. All these things will pass with time.
4) Alarm your boyfriend of everything so that he comes prepared with everything. The whole of your family will be here. There are chances of heated debate, rona-dhona etc. Ideally, your parents should meet the guy's side once before fixing up everything. But if this personal meeting is not happening, lets hope for some good outcome.


Rest will be decided when everyone meets. Do update us on everything.

Hi, the weekend came but nothing happened at my home. My parents had said that they wud call everyone home for discussion but nothing really happened. It may be because my taiji met with an accident and fractured her leg so may be my parents are waiting for her to come back from hospital. Again they are not talking to me. They keep talking with each other quitely about how i have betrayed them and keep talking about past. The whole atmosphere of the house is very quite, no one talks. My parents keep sitting in one room and me n my bro in other room. My bro is 19 and this time he has also tried to convince my mom and dad but they kept on telling him to shut up as he is too young to intervene. Iam just being patient and waiting. Lets see what happens.........

This is lots of talking, its very bad to see how things have turned out to be here. I think your parents are really hurt and you should do something about them too. I don't know what but its parents who gives you all love , love more than any one can ever give. It would be sadest thing to hurt them.

I think you should involve someone elderly in it, someone who is respected by your parents and if he / she can wisely convey positive points to your parents about your marriage with guy then definitely it will make a big difference. It is because there is nothing bigger than living life with one you really love. Also, you can tell them that you know him all , all his good and bad.. what is the guarantee if they get another groom and he turned out to be someone shitty , how you gonna know ?

Hi Isha,


See, the whole matter is discussed and agreed upon. I would like you to wait and watch. Meanwhile, ask your boyfriend to take some step forward and try to talk to your parents, organize a meeting between both the families and assure them that you are in safe and secure hands and that, he will do his level best to keep you happy.

Rest all will pass with time. Don't worry.

Hi again one month passed. On its August I again talked to my mother. While she was in office I msgd her " iam sorry mummy and papa for hurting u. I love u a lot. I don't like the current atmosphere of the house. Not talking is not a solution for ny prob. Lets sit and talk and resolve the matter." Then in the evening my mother returned and said now do u realise ur mistake I said mummy pls. Talk to him once at least once. Then she started of again. Same old dialogues. She said me and ur father are stick on our point we don't agree at all. She said papa knows everything aise private jobs ka koi barosa nahi hota we wanted some govt. servant with a secured job. Tu Hamara standard gira rahi hai. Tujhe Bhagna hai toh Bhagg ja ek bar hi toh bezzati hogi. Koi bat nahi. Jab tu jayegi hum tush se sare papers mei sign karayenge ki tera humse koi rishta nahi aur koi relatives tujhse rishta rakhenge toh who Hamari insult karenge. What should I do now ????????

ishika i read all the talk with your parents. i has been tried all the things. you can.t believe on me same situation is with me. my father don.t talk with me from last 11 months and my mom from since 5 months. i also tried many things like astrologer and waste money more than 50,000. now i have nothing in my hand. can you believe on me i m single son of my parents. my parents directly say me you has been died for us and everything we have we will give their daughter.
but i just want to give you one suggestion your love is true. you can go for court marriage and live happyly. i promise you after marriage they will aggree with your marriage.
ek bat bolu sbse bda rog kya khenge log.. agar ye sochoge then i promise you, you will not be able to happy in your life. insan jo sochta hai bhi ban jata h..
ap dono shadi kar lo,, all member of your family will aggree after your marriage..
all the best..

I can see my future in your story dear... I pray u succeed in this...n so does me...