Was i used or does he really love me- I am depressed !

Hi friends, This is Ishi from Mumbai. I am a 25 yrs old girl working in an MNC. I was in a relationship with a guy from the same caste for past 6 yrs now. He was my classmate and now we work in the same company. We had a very good and understanding relation from the beginning. He is younger to be by 8 months and he always told me he has no problem with that and he loves me to the core. We were happy with each other, went out, had fun and there is no place where we dint go. Few situations became so intimate that we were committed physically, i was never comfortable but he use to kiss me on my forehead, look into my eyes and say trust me i can never leave your hand in life. I trusted. We were so much into each other that we could not breakup every after few fights on off. In the 1st yr of our relation, he tried to move close to his schoolmate and he told me that she proposed him. Though i was hurt i told him i can move on if he loves her. He told that he loves me and cannot live without me. He told he would never contact her, i made sure he never contacted her again in life. Our lives were happy. I helped him in getting a job and then made arrangements to join my company. Slowly things changed when i started to ask him for marriage. I did tell my parents, he also told his parents that he would marry me and no one else. My parents agreed and its been 2 yrs now. His parents are said a NO based on my looks (i am obese) and horoscope concerns. He started getting irritated when i kept asking if he has tried to convince his parents. His response were never +ve which frustrated. I tried all possible ways to keep the relationship alive but he says that he is a looser and has to breakup. When he said breakup and i tried hard to convince him, he tried to convince me which i could not take. I had suicidal thoughts and expressed the same to him. One day i told him that it would be my last msg and tried to commit suicide. He immediately called my parents and told to run home. My parents were shook obviously. My dad asked me to go and marry in arya samaj as me living somewhere is important that dying like this. I was so disturbed. I told him same and apologised to commit a suicide (as he hates me talking about death) but he said its all over and he has taken enough pain. I knew he was very angry on me so went back to him after 5 days and apologised to him and he straight away told me NO for this relation. I knelt down to my knees and asked him one chance but he dint change his mind. After 10 days at night 10 pm i went near his house with trembling legs and told him that living without him for me in hell and he said enough is enough, dont make a scene here go home. I was hurt by his answer, so walked away. He told he would call my dad if i dint go back home directly. He spoke to an auto guy and asked him to drop me home. I was broken. I was tuff for me to move on. I again felt living giving up this life as i am a looser. Common friends kept telling me to move on but never think he doesn't care for you or love you. He is doing it for his parents as he is the only son. I wanted to give it another chance so msg'd him after a month. He spoke well but said that he cant promise or give me hope because his parents are not accepting. He has no problem in me talking to them and trying to convince them for our marriage (how can i do this being a girl and when his parents dont like me as i dont look good as he told me). I told him i will give a try but asked if he will hold my hand and be with me as a moral support for which he says i have no answer. i cant give you hope. Fighting this out is getting very difficult for me and i ignored all friends in these 6 yrs of life with him and now i have no friends to share with. I asked him to help me in seeing a doctor (psychiatrist) We both cried over phone thinking what is happening in our life. He asked me if i will be fine and normal if he talks to me for which i said i need medical support as i am not having food, sleep, mental pressure is high, resigned my job etc. He took me to the doctor yesterday and the doctor trying to tell us that there is a chance for you both to still fight for the relation as your parents might take time to accept and he also told forgetting is not very difficult. This guy has taken the 2nd point that forgetting is not very difficult. He took me for a lunch and tried to hold my hand n hug me when i was crying. But he says that he is not able to do anything. I am so confused not understanding if he wants me or not. When i clearly asked him the same he says i have no answer. I asked him why did he spoil my life by building all the trust and the physical relation etc and he says i spoiled my life by not able to convince my parents. I am so depressed.


I have few questions guys, atleast you people answer to me without saying i don't know or i have no answer.
1. What should i do now? Move on???? If so how??
2. What about the physical relation i had with him? i feel so guilty?
3. Can i marry someone else with this burden in heart? How can i be happy with the other man?


Pleasee guys help me out i have a broken wing :'(

Hey Ishi, I can understand what you are going through.

If its the same caste, why don't your guy make them understand. Its 6 years of Love, will he be ok if its a breakup? Will he be able to live a normal life with the other in the future? If its true Love, i say its very hard to forget your love.

Before entering into a relationship he should have thought like will parents accept and other stuff else he should try hard convincing his parents.

Make him understand that you are going mad because of him.

You will have a real tough time with such a love filled in your heart.

Guys never feel gulilty of having physical relationship with a girl before marriage. They dont have the concept of virginity etc..etc..Its most of the girls who feel guilty.

Meet a psychiatrist, counsellor and pour all your thoughts, feelings, cry loud and come to a conclusion on this and get away from this slowly. Then decide with a calm mind.

Dear friend, thanku for your comments. This guy tried to convince his parents that he will never marry anyone other than me. He said i will leave the house and his parents asked him to leave the house and they would think they never had a son. That time he was hurt very badly thinking how can parents talk to rudely. When he tried again once or twice to talk his parents dint let him to and he has lost hopes.

When i and my friends asked him if he can forget this love and move on in life, he always said that i will never forget my love its not at all easy. I am seeing hell each day controlling and thinking on what u r doing, how r u ect. He says i will never marry in life, i am just very angry on my parents. When i say then y do u want to let me go, he says i am a looser, i am fit for nothing and i am not able to do anything. You atleast try to make them understand.

I am really not understanding what to do. Its a heart ache all that i have left. No hope in life. Scared to face my future.

" Meet a psychiatrist, counsellor and pour all your thoughts, feelings, cry loud and come to a conclusion on this and get away from this slowly. Then decide with a calm mind. " - newhere

I completely endorse the above viewpoint. Diverse views of people on this forum who don't really know you will not count for much unless you share ur feelings and thoughts to someone in person.

Hello brokenwing,
I agree with the doctor you have consulted, you still can sort out the issues with both your parents.......or if you choose not to, there are ways for emotional detachment from the past. Whatever you choose to do, you do need a strong mind and a body to go with it, and that calls for anti-depressants based on what you have stated. Do get back to that doctor and request for the same,since when one is down and depressed, the mind loses control on the self. And do seek a psychiatrist as well as advised above.



Do browse through this link:
http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...ds-dr-sky.html

Hi brokenwing,

I am really sorry for not keeping up to you. Was pretty busy with festival celebrations and all, so went a bit off line. I also read your personal message seeking help on this. Thank you for resting your trust on me.

Coming to your situation, one thing is sure shot clear and that is, your relationship has come to an end. Convincing parents for marriage is a really tough task and it can only be achieved when both the individuals involved fight for it together. Your case has a different picture to it. Your boyfriend HAS already tried his best to convince his parents and if he has a negative response to it, it must be after thoughtful considerations and heated discussions. Take it for granted that there must have been a really tough, heated discussions with his parents on him getting married to you. So, your point where you constantly ask him whether he is trying to convince his parents or not, is not valid anymore. And if he is calling off the relationship, considering himself a looser and trying to cease contacts with you, it clearly means, his parents are adamant on their decision of you never getting married to him.

I would now come directly to your question. The first one : What should i do now? Move on???? If so how??
The answer to this is simple. YES, move on. Consider, there is nothing left in this. Your boyfriend has given up in front of his parents and has accepted their decision of leaving you. When he has given up, there is no point of you or your parents talking to his parents on the same.
I understand, how difficult it is for you to forget these past 6 years and move on in one go, but realize your life has something better for you in future. Love comes with no guarantee and hence there is no point in wasting your life like this. He has made up his mind and he is trying to move on too, with ofcourse great difficulty. It might be easy for you to do so but for a guy's prospective things become more steep as everyone holds him responsible for everything.
But, trust me moving away is not difficult, once you try to do so. You need an immediate change of environment and so, I advice you to go out for a week or so to any place of your choice and try to relax yourself. Try to involve yourself in things you love to do, your hobbies perhaps, listen to good & energetic music, watch movies, hangout with friends whom you have been ignoring for long. It will take sometime but things will be fine, if you allow yourself to be changed.


Your second question goes as : What about the physical relation i had with him? i feel so guilty?
first and the foremost thing, don't feel guilty. Loving a person is not about feeling guilty. You are not here to qualify an exam of marriage for which you need your virginity as an eligibility test. Understand, you were in love and due to some reasons things just didn't work out. If you were to feel so guilty about this, you should have had given it a thought before indulging into physical act with him.
But now since it has happened, try not to feel guilty about it, instead stay true to your future husband on this and assure him that you will be committed to him life long. If he deserves you, he will understand your worth. Never feel guilty for loving a person, feel sorry for things didn't work out and stay committed for the new individual in your life for he is the one who will take care of you further.


The answer to your third question( Can i marry someone else with this burden in heart? How can i be happy with the other man?) is in the answers for the first two of them. I agree, its not easy for you or a person like you with suicidal tendency to move further in life forgetting all that happened with you for past 6 years. But, only by allowing yourself to be changed for your own good, you can bring smile on your face. Understand, you are not the first one with problem of this kind; its really common and we come across these kind of issues very often on the forum. But life doesn't stop and its really waste of everything if you stop yourself from living.

Wait for the right time and right person to come into your life. Your boyfriend loves you alot but obviously he is compelled to do what he never wanted to do. The doubt whether you were used or he loves you is just not true. A person cannot use you for 6 long years. Definitely he loves you, loved you, will love you but your chances of getting along with him as his wife are narrow.

So, all I would like to say is, move on for a better tomorrow and don't feel guilty for loving a person. Stay true to the new one in your life and love will come your way again. Remember its not the end of life.