It's all new to me.Trying to understand India guy culture I love

I’m white and I live in California. I’m dating a guy who’s originally from India (4 months). His parents live near us, but he hasn’t introduced me. I asked why. He said his parents think they get to arrange a marriage for him, & so he can’t tell them he has a girlfriend until right before he’s about to get married. Meaning, we have to keep our relationship secret in the meantime so they don’t find out. I've never heard of something like this, and if he wants to keep us secret from them now, why would I think he'd ever change that later?

I’ve also noticed he’s pretty private about us in general. Likes to take me out on proper dates instead of just hang out at my place late -- he says he doesn't want to disturb my sister by being over late at night. Seems reluctant to hang out with my family also at this point, even though he'd be welcome. I’m trying to understand the situation and the cultural differences here, and I was hoping someone might be able to help me. Thank you.

Hi learning,

Kindly accept the fact there is more or less a cultural difference in India and western countries. His thinking in this way might sound weird to you but what he considers it is as a practical way of thinking. Now, consider this, he is not telling his parents about his relationship with you just because he knows they might take it negatively and forbid the match if they are adamant on him getting married to a girl of their choice. Reasons may be many but this is just because he has this fear of loosing you if he hurries up with things. And this fear is because he loves you. So, he is waiting for the right time to come when he would be introducing you to his parents.

Now, a better solution for you. Ask your man to at least introduce you to his family as a friend or start talking about you in his family just as he would talk about his other male/female friends. Now what happens is, if you introduce a person in your family all of a sudden, claiming him/her to be your lover, your parents will get shocked and it will take sometime for them to digest the fact that you have been in a relationship for past few months/years. So, just to avoid it, he needs to talk about you and/or give inputs about your developing and strong relationship so that their side( the parent's side) they expect for a marriage in future.

Don't worry, things will be fine. I am sure he is a wise man and will take up decisions wisely !!

Also, you can refer to the following links : http://etalkindia.com/talk/love-frie...your-love.html

I agree with Pulkit but you should understand that he may not be 100% right, so you are advice to use your common-sense too.

Now coming to the second part, where I am confident that its really awkward as per Indian culture to be at your home with your family as YOUR BOYFRIEND .. it might be ok with your parents that their girl is with his boyfriend so they should not disturb them but for Indian culture, its not that comfortable thing.. atleast for a boy with some respect to elders.

OK now I think I'm in a worse situation. He keeps talking about how he can't date me because of his parents, and he seems to have a huge sense of guilt about seeing me - yet he won't let go. He'll say, "Hey let's go to a movie with a few other people," but then -surprise - it's only me & him, and he's paying for the movie and kissing me good night. But the next day, it's the same old, "You can only be my friend. I know it's hard. It's hard for me too." So then why continue "dating" and telling me how you don't EVER want to be "without me"? I actually got mad and told him, "You could be with me if you really wanted, so please stop saying you can't. You just refuse to ever sacrifice or do anything that's not really easy for you. And I believe that a guy who truly can't imagine his life without me will do more than this."

I understand he doesn't want to upset his family. But it seems dumb of me to hang around, hoping things will change, and letting him have his cake & eat it too in the meantime. Maybe if I refuse to just do his little cowardly "secret dating" thing, he'll realize that he really wouldn't want to be without me. Or not.

Hi learning,


Yes here, he is sounding coward. If he was so much unsure of his family accepting this relationship, he should have had entered into it when it was in the initial face. Knowing the fact that he might not be able to gather the courage to stand by his decision, he entered in this relationship with you and now when the time has come for him to accept the reality, he is backing himself up.

Okay, so what you can do is, sit with him and talk to him. Tell him that you are always there for him/with him to support him in every possible way and if things go worse, you will not blame him for loving you and getting into a relationship with you. But, there is something that you also want him to do. Ask him to at least ONCE, try to talk to his parents and bring it to their knowledge that he is in a relationship with you. Ask him to gather his courage and talk about you in his family. Make him understand falling in love isn't a crime and that you just want him to try and nothing bigger than that. Walking away from the reality is not to be done. He should confront his parents and try to convince them if he, even for a while, loved you truly and desire for you.

If your man is not able to do what is said above... if he is not able to gather his courage to talk to his parents and convince them...if the only solution for him is to be connected to you just like friends and nothing more than that, then, I guess you know what you should do.

But as of now, the only thing that you can do is, talk to him in detail about this and get to know whats actually running in his mind.

Thank you. I know he is reluctant to upset his parents especially because his mom is sick (not dying right now but probably doesn't have years to live either). But when there's something you really value in your life (ie me), you have to be willing to work for it. And you don't want to have regrets on missing out on the person who could've made you truly happy.

I think he has made his mind but he is not able to leave you. But his mother is also not well, just leave him and see if tries to comeback but somewhere I feel he want to end it too.

He keeps telling me how much he doesn't want an arranged marriage, but with his mom being sick he just doesn't want to dishonor her right before she potentially dies in the next few years. He keeps wanting me to promise I'll be in his life forever. But I think while it's ok to still be friends, I should move on to dating other men. Otherwise I just look desperate, hanging on to hope and the lack of commitment he's currently offering me.

I have an update. Now my ex feels the need to contact & tell me that he literally can't live without me.. loves me.. and will prove to me how much he cares for the rest of my life. That he'll wait for me forever (since I've currently been blowing him off). How is that even remotely fair to his future wife if he actually plans to marry someone else? Sure he could argue he has a female "buddy"... But friends do NOT talk to each other the way he talks to me & then tries to hold my hand, cuddle me every time he sees me. How is that fair? And if he feels THIS strongly, why not go against his family?

I think he is not able to gather courage to go and talk to his family about you, moreover he also doesn't want to let you go as he loves you, he is trapped in a very weird circle where he could neither tell his family to accept you nor he will let you go.
Now if there is anybody who can do something for your relationship is you, you have to support him and motivate him to let you introduce to his family as a friend as pulkit said and if he does that you may atleast get an entry to their house and then you have to decide ways to enter to the heart of his parents so that they do not deny your relationship and marriage, all an Indian family wants is a girl for their child who will not only keep his hubby happy but also equally respect and care for her in-laws properly, if you manage to win over their hearts, there will be no question of denying the relationship of yours, but at the moment you have to motivate him or convince him to let him introduce you to his family. Let him sit and ask him whether he wants to live with you or not, if yes, then he has to take a further step ahead to take this relationship to next level and if not just walk away and live life happily after marriage and forget you, because he may ruin 3 life at a time by marrying some other girl if he seriously loves you, and if he is just trying to hold you on till he gets some nice girl then make sure you first clear that thing, start maintaining distance from him and do not accept his calls or reply to his messages or don't contact him and see if he comes back to you, if yes then you may go with him, but seeing the situation I think there is only one way out from here, and that is he has to introduce you to his home before it gets too late.

Thank you very much. So should I tell him what i'm honestly thinking... Which is that if he truly can't live without me, then he'll tell his family even if difficult? And if he goes thru with this arrangement while telling me he loves me, I think he's being dishonest -- to his family by acting OK with it when he's not, and to his future wife because meanwhile he's telling me he loves ME.

Yes, now talk to him clearly and if denies this time or is not able to come up with something satisfactory, this is NOTICE to you that bang him OFF at once! .. nothing more .... nothing less!

OK I haven't been able to stay away. When we talk it's just so genuine. The way he cares, the reasons he tells me I'm amazing. This guy keeps pursuing contact with me even though I'm about to spend many months away for my job. What is he "getting" out of that unless he truly cared? And I recently told him that I don't think what he's doing (blindly going along w/parents' wishes, not standing up for me & what he feels for me) is not honorable. And yet he still doesn't blow me off. I feel that someone who genuinely keeps wanting to stay close to me under these conditions has to truly care.

So you think he truely cares for you and value you .. is that ?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Aarish Rizvi

So you think he truely cares for you and value you .. is that ?

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I don't just think it, I know it. And the fact that he insists on staying so close to me... even though I live far away now (in Canada), and even though it's not a fun, carefree situation between us -- I've confronted him with why I think he's incredibly disappointing for being unable to stand up to his parents & fight for me-- makes me wonder why he would still be around if he didn't care very deeply.
...It's just not a typical friendship.