Love-arranged marriage dilemma due to elder unmarried sister

Hi everyone,

I am in love with a beautiful girl, whose parents are family friends with my parents. Her parent asked my dad about our marriage a year back. Since then we have got into a long-distance relationship (I am in US and she is in India) and are very much in love and want to get married.

Now when I came to India last month, my parents pushed her parents to get us married sometime next year since both of us are same age and will be turning 29 next year.

However, the issue is that my girlfriend's elder sister (almost 30) is still unmarried. Though they have been looking for sometime, but not found a match so far. Her parents are adamant that whatever happens, however long it takes, they will not marry the younger one (my girlfriend) to me until the elder one gets married.

My parents voiced their concern that there should be some definite time period (like 6 to 12 months) after which me and my girlfriend should get married especially since we are living so far away and very difficult to maintain long-distance for years.

However, her parents are not ready to listen. My girlfriend listens to her parents always and also blaming me for the whole situation since I am pushing for an early marriage. When I say that this is the right time to marry because of our age, she thinks I just want a younger wife and I don't love her. I am feeling very guilty from my heart but my mind says that I also have a very legitimate stand. She thinks that if I love her, I will be okay to wait forever for an indefinite period.

Please help. Is there a solution? What should I do?

Hi zapper911,


Definitely your girlfriend must be very beautiful !

Well... perhaps you guys are evaluating the two extream ends of the situation i.e - marriage now or marriage later. Its good, that both the families and kids are ready for the marriage. You are working and must be earning well. Same is the case with the girl.

My point is why don't your families come to a decision that lies midway between the two extream ends. For example, you guys can get engaged. By whatever you have written above, I understand things are just verbally done and you guys are still not engaged, are you? So, a low profile family get together can happen and things can be settled on a formal basis. In next couple of months, her elder sister will get married. Right after that, you guys can think of marriage. Its obviously the right age for both to get married. Delaying too much than this might have serious consequences. It happens very normally that marriage of a younger child gets delayed because an elder sibling is still unmarried. But in these cases, after waiting for sometime, parents eventually marry the younger one first, if nothing positive seems happenning.

So, both the families should sit, talk and decide on something based on a mutual acceptance. Her not are not ready for the marriage of younger sister, primarily because marrying her to you will narrow the chances of marriage of her elder sister, plus the society. Also, talk to your girlfriend on this and explain to her how delay in marriage can affect the life.


May I know, why is her elder sister still unmarried ?

Thanks Pulkit for the response!

Elder sister is still unmarried because they have not been able to find a good enough match for her. I am assuming they don't find the incoming proposals good enough and their proposals are probably not being responded well by the guy's side.

As for me, unfortunately, my girlfriend is not understanding that delay in marriage will affect our lives significantly. I have repeatedly tried to make her understand but she just says that if I love her, I should wait indefinitely. The girl's family are not interested in a middle solution even though my father suggested some low key family function. Her father refused saying that both small or big function is same since they would have to tell their relatives and what will society say. In fact, they have not told anyone about our relation to anyone in their family except maybe 1 or 2; where as my entire extended family knows about our relation and expects our marriage soon.

And I don't think a few months is a problem - I am willing to wait a few months or even a year for her - but their family is not ready to commit that at all. For them, it can only be done after the elder one's marriage which, I really don't want, but could maybe years and could be disaster for our marriage as well. For her, she thinks she can't sacrifice her sister's happiness for my happiness. She is also stuck in the middle because she can't force her parents - she is too nice like that. I don't want to loose her - I love her a lot - but this is a stalemate it seems.

She and her parents are now asking me if I will wait indefinitely - if I cannot, they will move on and find other matches for her. I can't answer that as its very difficult for me to wait indefinitely and also at the same time, I don't want to loose her. But she wants me to answer asap so she can move on with her life. What should I do?

Hi zapper911,


What's the point in seeking matches for her when they are not ready to get her married before her sister?? They should concentrate more on the elder sibling, perhaps.

Practically speaking, you should not wait for indefinite time like this. I mean, why would you put your life on stake for her elder sister. Waiting for her elder to get married is her own decision. You can wait for things to work out for an year or two. It wouldn't matter much. But longer waits is not really appreciated. You don't need to feel guilty or sad about anything because you tried to your maximum. There are limits to which you can put yourself to test to. Beyond that, you simply cannot.

I wish her parents realize the value of time soon so that something can be fixed at your end. As of now, just tell her you will wait for things to settle down for another 2 years maximum, beyond that it will simply get difficult. If she wants, she can look out for other matches as well. You are not at fault. Stay true, stay honest and stay clear. If things gonna work out, they will and your girlfriend will understand.

Nothing much can be said or done when things have come to a point that she is asking you to choose. Think about it and take a wise decision.