Emotional Infidelity - wife is so possessive yet secretive

Hello,

We have been married for over 20 years and our married life has been okay with the usual ups and downs that exist in any marriage. We have 3 kids. Our biggest issue has been the mistrust/insecurity that my wife has towards me with other women even though I have never cheated on her and I don't go out alone other than for work or occasional shopping. She accuses/assumes I have affairs with women, whether with lady colleagues at work, her family, ladies at Mandir, etc. If some lady greets me, she gets suspicious. I understand these are signs of jealousy spouse syndrome. However, the reason for my writing is that for the last 5 years, she has been pretty secretive and possessive with her cell phone and usually shops for a couple of hours 4-5 times a week before going home. Three weeks ago, with a change in cell phone provider, I had access to her cell phone records and noticed over 110 text messages over 2 days between her and a guy that we both had met at a Mandir some 3 years ago but we hardly knew him. He was trying to make a conversation with her when I walked back into the Mandir Hall. There was also a 15 minute phone call I discovered three weeks ago. I only had access to her cell phone for a week as she switched back to her old phone provider after a week. Interestingly, her jealous/mistrust behavior has decreased the last few months.

While not being 100% sure, I am pretty sure that they don’t meet in person but converse over cell phone texts and calls. I understand this is called emotional infidelity or affair. I have some ideas of my own but want to get your input as to how I should approach her, what to say, etc. I definitely want this behavior to stop if we continue to stay married. How would I know if it stopped or not going forward after I talk to her? I am thinking of asking her to share her access to her cell phone with me. How about if she refuses to? She has been possessive of her cell phone the last few years. What options do I have? Thank you for your advice.

Well, its not a new marriage, its been 20 years since you both are married. You have 3 kids and this makes things even more worst. Whatever you mentioned here and the way you explained, you clearly seems to be person of well settled intellect.

The things you explained and cited, its clearly evident she is facing some physiological issues, now you need to find why such situation arrived ? Is it hat from last 5 years or before that, your work profile changed where you need to spend more time outside your house ?

Secondly, I can also say that there is some kind of unspoken tensed atmosphere prevailing among you both, if it is then it might be acting as catalyst for her psychological issues.

Also, if she is in her 40s ,then remember this is the age of woman where they get emotionally week and imbalance due to natural reasons (read this). So, if we add that too then you know you have pretty much complicated issue. And its your duty to take her out of this depressing phase.

You can do following :

• First of all, never ever try to confront her, it will only worsen the issue.
• Try to make her feel that you are happy with her all the time.
• Third but very important, it appears there is communication issue among you both, so increase dialogue among each other, give her surprise tour or vacation (but on some even like birthday or other celebrations).
• I hope your kids are grown up, don't let them feel that you are suspicious about your mother, rather through them convey to her that how much you love and care for her.

Regarding the other person, she is only looking for mental support, now you have to be one to give that. Gradually, she will get rid of him automatically.

But you need lots of patience and control to do that because she is definitely not in position to understand things at all.

Lastly,
I don't take any responsibility for any of my advice, I suggest you to visit a psychiatrist and tell him whatever you mentioned here, I am sure he will be better to guide you. But your presence of mind is also required.

Thank you Aarish! Appreciate your feedback.
Just briefly to follow up on a couple of your points/questions. My work schedule has not changed and usually I go home straight from work and don't drink so I never go out with friends. We always go out as a family. I am very involved with all household affairs including the kids school/education exclusively. I always e-mail/talk to her at least once every work day. We took a little less than a months vacation to a couple of countries overseas 2 to 3 months ago that we all really enjoyed.
My concern is if I do not say anything to her about this emotional infidelity episode, it may escalate further. How do I approach her, i.e. what to and how much to say? How do I make sure it stops?

As said, you should not confront her at all, atleast not now or you will see situation worsening. What I feel that though you are very caring and loving person but you are not expressive. May be you need to be little dramatic about showing your love for kids and wife. There is also possibility that you are a kind of person who mostly loves to do things all by himself without disturbing others, but people mostly see this as otherwise as if you are trying to sideline them. May be you need to get more involved with family with showing trust as well as giving them sense of responsibility. But again, can't suggest anything concrete as there could be various other factors.

There are lots of possibilities, that is the reason I asked you to visit a doctor who can actually examine your condition by proper questionnaire and suggest you solution.

Again, I appreciate your patience and you will need lot more of it .