An Innocent Husband

Dear Sir,
Greetings and best wishes for you. Hope you have a great day ahead and all your dreams come true.

Let me introduce myself to you. I am Ramana Prasad from Tirupati. I am an internet cafe owner by profession. I got married 6 months back to Rajyalakshmi, a magistrate and have already experienced million tonnes of humiliation and am heavily dejected.I didn't take any dowry. I Actually, this is my second marriage. I have got married earlier and after bitter acrimony of 8 years of marriage, i have got divorced after 2 years of separation on mutual consideration. I could get married only after 5 years after divorce. I am the only man in my family to have got divorced in around 100 years. There is a big stigma attached to the psyche of my life.

The problem started on the 15th day after my marriage. She wanted to show off that she has a car and many a time tried to humiliate me for neither having a car nor able to drive one. I belong to a middle class family and there was no way that i could afford a car. The logic is simple : As she is a magistrate, Judiciary has given her a loan for having a car and also provides her with 75 litres of petrol. If she was not in Judiciary ( She was from middle class before she had joined service), she would neither have purchased a car nor learnt car driving. Since i don't have a car of my own, i haven't learned to drive a car. She has become a big menace in my life. Her soul aim in life is to humiliate me on one context or the other. Naturally, i have revolted and talked back to her several times. After all i am a human being who has guts and gumption and i definitely cannot tolerate, brook any nonsense from her.There are times when i have compromised but she is so adamant that she would feel happy only if she humiliates me atleast once in a day. She told me once that she would wait for one year before going for divorce. I have asked her to prepare for such an eventuality coz all my life, i have been fighting bitterly with women for no fault of mine. Before marriage, i have was shocked to know that i couldn't stay with her as i came to know that the rules and regulations of judiciary would not permit a husband to stay with the wife, who is a magistrate, with husband pursuing either his business or working for a company or any other organization. Still i agreed to her proposal and have told her that i would be staying in her place for every 15 days. I would relate one incident to you. Since i have already expressed that i cannot pursue any business or do any work, i have to stay idle whenever i go there. She relishes such kind of helplessness. She is a sadist to the core. Unable to tolerate loneliness ( since i had to stay at her quarters till she comes home for lunch), i have told her that i would be coming to her court office to while away my time .It so happened that i was asked to attend a farewell function in her office. I went there late as i went out to check my mails in the internet cafe nearby.She was already in the office by the time i went there. She didn't get up and offer me a seat. She says that since i am a magistrate, i would not get up from my seat. How stupid!!! She says that she has to follow protocols when she is in the court. It is true that i shouldn't have attended her court office, but, to humiliate me in such a bad way in front of her staff is something i couldn't digest for a very long time. This is just an icing in the cake. I just wonder if all the magistrates who are women behave like autocrats and humiliate their husbands.There are million incidents which took place in these six months that you would get bored listening to them. I would like to know the rights of a husband who had married a magistrate so that i can teach a fitting lesson to her so that she would never forget me throughout her life.

Please help me in this regard and suggest me a way out, a solution for my problem for which i shall be indebted to you forever.

Sincerely,

Prasad

Hi Prasad
I can understand what you are facing right now. But I want to know how you both got into decision of getting married because then only I think I can relate thing with situations.

Actually, we were introduced to each other by a common person. Manjula is aunt to my wife and she is known to my uncle. We believed whatever she told us and ultimately it was proved that i have married the biggest devil in the world.Thanks for your kind concern. God bless you with a world of happiness, peace and success added with a touch of sweetness for a great measure.

Sincerely,

Prasad

So she is also of your age ? Is this her second marriage also ?

Mr. Prasad, it is serious clash of ego of both the person. Here you are having mental stress and I am sure she too is having same. Certainly she is at some position where she may have to maintain a standard. The act of not standing for you was really bad because whatever you are but relations comes first. But you should also understand that standing for you was not suitable for that time and her mistake is that she did not handle the situation cleverly, instead she should have come to you to company you, this way neither her image of a Magistrate, nor your relation of husband would got hurt.

What I want to tell here that you both need to understand that this way you are not going to get any solution. Here the thing you need is mutual co-operation. Some flexibility from your side and some from her is the solution.

Just getting annoyed will not lead to any solution, also don't be drawn by your ego. Be patient and handle the situation wisely. I do not think that she really want to show you down always. More chances are that you , as well as her are having some misconceptions.

Dear Sir,
I am thankful to you for your kind reply. Actually, the protocols are a set of rules to be followed by the judge when he / she is in court. I don't think there is any written law as far as my knowledge goes which say that Husband should be treated with contempt and disrespect when he is in the court hall or in her chamber or for that matter even in her office room. She would always feel happy if she hurts me. She says that complaining to her about what i feel is hurting her. It is me who is the victim of her insults and not otherwise. She says that i shouldn't even complain to her. When she will realize that she is making tons of mistakes? Since i took up the position of tieing the bell to the cat ( Who'll bell the cat?) i am at the receiving end. Professionally, she thinks she is way ahead of other judges, which is quite a fallacy considering the fact that she cannot dictate properly a single judgment.On the contrary, she would blame her steno for typing mistakes. She also cannot correct the depositions and judgments. Her vocabulary skills are way too below the standards of a judge. Since there is no accountability and unlimited immunity, even her senior judges are not questioning her. Things do not change just coz nobody had questioned her language skills or otherwise. They remain the same. She owns a car and her driving is so pathetic that she would have gotten into accidents million times. She humiliates me for not having a car as i have written in my post before. What kind of sin i have committed in my previous birth that i get humiliated by this termagant?????? I have no sense of peace and happiness in life and i am not sure i would be ever happy in my life at all. I can also ask you to pray for my happiness. If ever i would be happy, i would be thanking you zillion times. The other day she was commenting that i don't have any rights on commenting about her judgment. Are we living in India, supposedly the best democratic country in the world or a country like Pakistan where dictatorship thrives like anything? Just imagine, by being her husband, i cannot comment on her judgments, how much terror she might have unleashed on the poor 498 A victims ( most of the 498 A victims ( Hapless guys who have been unleashed terror by modern day termagants and shrews) with her judgments? She is confident that no guy has gone to the higher court after receiving the flak in the form of a judgment. Where is the end to this kind of tyranny? When will guys can breathe free when she is unleashing terror? She also say that she has set free many hapless husbands from 498 A, which can be pretty much debatable, but, she didn't mention the punishment she meted out to the women who had foisted false cases. Arrogant and idiotic to the core, she would seek revenge on men at the slightest instance. A little bird told me that her father is a sadist to the core, he never respected her wife, so as such, she is also following her father's foot steps in humiliating her husband. She is continuing her family tradition. Thanks once again for your kind advice sir. I have tried my best to adjust but being a man who has got no airs to show off and who has got guts and gumption, i cannot continue to be ill-treated and humiliated by her anymore. I have stopped talking to her over phone. I really don't know how far things would go on like this ...........

Reading you seems that she is seriously having ego problem. She needs a psychiatric because the level of ignorance she might have developed cannot be cured by a common man.

But again, even she is not happy somewhere and things are getting worst. The position she has, she got overconfident and when a person enter such state, his personality start degrading.

About using term 498 A, well ya, that is a misused law and to a very severe extent.

The level of stress you have developed, all I can say that take divorce as soon as possible , reason is also that you can't live happily with her even if things changes to good side.

Another to mend up this all could be help from a psychiatric, he may guide you to how to deal her so that she realize her mistakes. ie. can treat her indirectly as she is not going to co-operate if you take her to doctor.

But do not forget , ie. if you want to mend up things then do not make situation worst. Be patience for a while now.

There are few other way round too but .. those are very filmatic.. :)

Goodluck

Thanks once again sir for your kind reply. I have given her a missed call and she rang me up yesterday night. She started off by weeping with a big sound ( probably a technique which is well used by women ; she is a good actress and there are no two opinions about it). I have asked her why is she crying. She says what do u want from me? I have asked her what do u want from me? She didn't reply. I have told her that she is not the only person who is giving out judgments in this world and that since i am living in a democratic country like India and not a dictatorship country like Pakistan, i can comment on your judgments. She saw red and she was talking in a loud voice ( where was her sobbing?) and told me that i can establish an organization against 498 A and arrange for dharnas and other things ; educate people against 498 A but having given a judgment i cannot change. I agreed with her on that point ( that she cannot change her judgment) but i have told her that i wanted to know what was her attitude when she gave out that judgment ( a judgment in which an innocent husband like me lost his job and was jailed u/sec 498 A) . Was she planning to take out revenge on men? She couldn't understand what i have asked her and was talking in an abusive language. I have also asked her that since i am neither superior or inferior to her in her office, what is my position? I guess i would be a guest and there is no written law which says that a guest should be ill-treated or disrespected in the court hall / chamber / office. She refused to listen to me. I have told her that i am closing the conversation. This itself shows how far she would manipulate people with her cunning words and deeds. I cannot go for divorce even on Mutual Consideration coz i am newly married. Even if i want to live with her, i cannot take her to a psychiatrist as she is adamant and unwilling. The only option left with me is to go to a psychiatrist on my own as u have suggested and follow his / her words. I have tried to contact Purnima Nagaraja, who is a psychiatrist, who regularly gives answers to the questions posed by viewers in the TV Channel , ETV2. Unfortunately, the message i have sent to her by e-mail got returned. If you suggest any psychiatrist ( either phone no or e-mail id), i would be thankful to you coz i don't think i can continue with this kind of torture anymore.

Dear Monica,
Thanks for your kind reply. I am born on 30-03-66 and she was born on 30-06-68. This is her first marriage. God bless you with a world of happiness.

Sincerely,

Prasad

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ricky

But do not forget , ie. if you want to mend up things then do not make situation worst. Be patience for a while now.

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I mentioned that if you want to mend up things then you have to be patience, from your talk on phone, it seems you are trying to prove yourself superior which is hurting her. The moment you start proving yourself as a authority on her, she can't hear you as by then her ego blocks all her thinking and she won't even listen. She did exactly same.

You are making thing worst, she is at fault but in order to made her realize you have to be patient and that is why I suggested a psychiatric, he can guide you how to handle situation and how to convey your feeling correctly to her so that she can understand.

First thing you should keep in mind is that for time being do not question on her work life and on her judgement, its her work and you should be doing nothing with it.
Secondly, try to develop a relation of equality. Show her that work has nothing to do with your relations. Keep work out of this.

If you are going to question on her work then you are actually questioning on her ability and hence she became defensive and no solution is going to come out.

I suggested you to go to some psychiatric nearby, help over phone won't do, meet personally, surely you will get helped and for time being don't be a person with high ego !

Thanks very much for your kind advice sir. God bless you and your family with a world of happiness, peace and success added with a touch of sweetness for a great measure.

Sincerely,

Prasad

I hope you will take my suggestions positively and shall get benefited too.

Hi,

I am new to this forum and have my own problems too.
But reading your posts and with what little idea I have about women, let me tell you some things.
Please dont take it in a defensive or negative sense.

There are a couple of problems here
From her side,
You mentioned that she is about 40 yrs old and this was her first marriage. She must have gone through a lot of partner search till she found you. And believe me, that whole process is so humiliating and a torture if the marriages get delayed. Every one -friends,family, relatives,colleagues- ask abt it. And then when every of the proposals get cancelled for various reasons, she might have felt bad and finally started hating men. They dont like me. They want everything - beauty, career, money etc. No one likes me. They are arrongant, proud and so on. This must have definitely added to the hatred she has towards men. And when she finally found you. She is certainlu unleashing some of it. She finally found someone to show that she isnt less than any man. She earns well, she has a good job, she has a car, she has a career and so on. She will need time, realization and some more sense to cool down and realize the wonderful person that came in to her life.

Coming to you, you have mentioned that had arguments abt some 498A. And because she dint stand and respect you. Because she humilates you abt a car and so on.
First thing that you have to do- stop discussing her work. If she dint stand to respect you, let it go. Arguing with her will not make her understand.
Just dont discuss her career. If she is ranting abt herself. Let her do it. Sometimes, lending a deaf ear helps a lot.
Take an opportunity to help her- silently- and when its most important. You can learn to drive a car very easily. Join some driving institute. you dont need to tell her. But after u have done it all, some time let her realize that you know it. Women like men who are calm and efficient. They are awed when 'she realizes good things abt you' instead of 'from you'. Just be patient - i dont mean obey all her commands. Keep your position but be patient.
And I somehow think you shdnt decide abt divorce so early. After all the trouble you had with this and your previous relationships. Take time and brains to build your relationship instead of breaking it. Its easy to heal one rather than try and find a new one which you can never be sure of.
Excuse me if there is something wrong in what I said. I told you what I felt like.

Hellow Sir,
I do agree with Chitti. please give the relationship some time. As far as the work is concerned, avoild all discussions, both your and hers, for the time being atleast.

get to know each other better, you two have being married after the 40's, for the past 40 years life has gone according to your will and wish.Now 2 people are involved, for a woman it takes time in order to get adjusted after marriage. She may have a diffrent problem, she is just using whatever comes in hand right now and wanting to hurt you, but also getting hurt in the process. Some loving words and talking of improvement in the relationship will help you both.

See for her, you are the only one who matters, she can say anything only to you. It may just not be your fault, but you will be blamed. Give her time, she will come around. You have written and sharing your feelings, who is with her right now. I think the person should be you.

What she does or says is not important, get all that out of your head, she is akling for attention, give her some , she will be fine. At least her behaviour pattern is telling me just that.

Regards,
Farida H B
Handwriting analyst