My boyfriend turned fiance is so different person - confused

Hi all,

I have fought for this guy for over one and a half year by now. My wedding is fixed and due in another 1 month. My parents still do not talk to me very nicely but they are getting over it. My in laws family is good enough.

My worry is that, right after things looked almost perfect after so much of struggle, I slowly have started to feel that my boyfriend turned fiance is less concerned and interested in me. His job and sometimes I feel his family is all that he cares about. He will not show interest in talking to me and will always have some excuses like work or tiredness. He will promise to solve issues at my place and do nothing about it but just ask me to wait! He doesn't involve with my family members much and keeps a distance I feel. He will compare with me with all his family members saying that they don't complaint if he doesn't talk to him then why do i? How do I make it clear for him that these things are different? Everytime if I try to make him understand I feel he is barely listening to me to forget it as soon as I am done talking.

We used to be very close to each other when we were dating. Since when he has moved into his work life, there is no balance and that's all he wants and thinks of! He says that I should be proud of it, but how should I explain it to him that he is not right always, a woman needs her own place in a man's life.

I have compromised with his priorities for 3 years by now, when he was doing his higher studies and then 1 year of his job but now that the time of our wedding is coming closer, we are more of worried about how this relationship is going to work than thinking about our new life. He never wants to be blamed for anything, he has this belief that he is really smart and intelligent and whatever he does or thinks is right...I can't even think of making him understand that how much difficult he is making it for me!

I feel bad about my decision of convincing my parents for this wedding, because now if something goes wrong between us, I am scared that I wont have any support from anywhere now..there was a time when I used to feel safest when he used to be around me but now I am scared every time I think of us together.

I am compromising with my job life, my family, my entire friend circle is left behind just for this one person and he doesnt seem to want to make it right anyhow.

When earlier friends used to ask me about us, I used to be excited, but now I just avoid it. We do not say I love to each other anymore, and I dont feel it too...

My wedding is exactly a month away and I feel this is not right.

Please help me, I do not want to repent for the entire life once I am locked in this. May be for the sake of my parents I would not be able to take any step which I can take at this point.

Scared to death.
Disha

Hi Disha,


The insecurity you are feeling is quiet obvious. You are getting married now, in time to come and if this is what's happening at your end, then its alarming. But you should not be judgmental too soon. You know the work culture now days. The private companies, these MNCs expect their employee to work for hours. If given a chance, they won't leave a stone unturn to make their employees work 24*7. So, there might be a possibility that he by the time he returns home, he is exhausted from the day's work. Also, since he is not talking to anyone, either you or his own parents, friends after returning from work, clearly shows he is just not interested. Try to step in his shoes. It would irritate any person to listen to your issues after an exhausted day at work. It happen sometimes and it takes time for a person to manage things at his end. Even after coming back from office, he has to work out for tomorrow, plan things for next day etc.

With marriage on horizon, he definitely has a lot to put in - work in office and marriage preparations. Things would have been different, if he would have been talking to others and not you. It would have clearly meant, he is ignoring you. But, I feel, when you guys have put in so much of efforts to make things work out and when things are going to happen, it's not a decent idea to think negative now and complain about the situation or doubt your decisions.

You know him well for past few years now. In reality, he is not, what he is now. Sometimes, work gives a lot of burden to handle that the person is left with no energy to deal with anything else. It's just a matter of time and will pass by soon. I can assure, you have not made any wrong decision. Its not the time to allow negativity to creep into your thoughts and mind. Instead of doubting your desire, your love, your decision to get married, you should enjoy what time is offering to you. This disturbance will fade off in time to come when things will normalize.

Also, please don't complain about your compromises. Nobody gets anything without sacrificing a bit of what he posses. I understand and very well agree that you have complete rights to have a social life, have friends, chase and achieve your dreams but you are finally getting the person you desired the most, someone you loved the most, someone whom you cannot live without. So, I believe, even if you " compromised" on few things of life, they were worth it. Consider yourself lucky ma'am that you are among the few who actually get their love, who actually get to marry the person they love the most. You always had a choice to choose between your friends and your boyfriend. You had ample time to re-frame your decision of marrying him, but you didn't. So, I don't think so there should be any room for any complaints. Let me tell you, your friend circle is not gone. Friends are people who will always stay with you. They are just a call away. You can take a day out to be with them and revive the old memories.

So, try to trust your boyfriend. If he is saying he is tired and don't want to talk to you at that moment, try to believe him. This is time when you are going to start a new life with handful of different responsibilities, its time when dreams are converting to reality, you should enjoy these moments rather than doubting on yourself. Put some faith in you, in God and in your destiny. Things will be fine. Okay, ma'am ?





Still feel insecure, I would advice you to talk to your boyfriend on this, better, in person. Discuss the things openly and conclude onto something.

Many Many Congratulations to you for your marriage !!!

I have not read all, in little hurry but you actually he is now working hard to give you better future. It is because marriage comes with responsibility and he must be trying hard to have good life ahead. You should co-operate with him and do not make it harder for him.

Hi Pulkit,

Whatever u said, my bf has tried to make me understand many times, but I was always in the assumption that he is trying to save his back. Now that u too say the same, I guess, he is just right. Even few of my cousins take his side, when I come to this topic. You are neutral, I guess you weren't biased.

Thanks a lot for taking out so much time to analyse the situation and trying to make me understand the bigger picture.

Thanks everyone..

You guys make the world a better place.


Respect!
Disha

Quote:

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Originally Posted by dish

Hi Pulkit,

Whatever u said, my bf has tried to make me understand many times, but I was always in the assumption that he is trying to save his back. Now that u too say the same, I guess, he is just right. Even few of my cousins take his side, when I come to this topic. You are neutral, I guess you weren't biased.

Thanks a lot for taking out so much time to analyse the situation and trying to make me understand the bigger picture.

Thanks everyone..

You guys make the world a better place.


Respect!
Disha

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Hi Disha,


Thank you so much ma'am for those inspiring words. I really acknowledge. It feels great when appreciated.

Whatever I wrote above is a direct conclusion of my conscious based on the facts you have given. Had he been interacting with others, things would have been different and I would have suggested you something else. That would have been a clear case of ignorance. But this is not the situation right now. He is behaving universally equal with everyone. So, you should also not bother.
Also, its not necessary that you guys have a talk for an hour or two daily. Even a call that would last for 15 minutes or half an hour is okay. You can discuss your daily activities, do a bit of romantic talk( if possible ) and hung up if he is really not interested in carrying it forward. This is a better scenario than a zero communication. Understand, he has returned after a hectic day at office and nobody would be interested in quibbling on pretty issues. You are going to begin a new life. There are bigger challenges awaiting your attention.

Anyways, Thank You for writing to us. You can visit the forum whenever you feel like sharing anything, that could be a problem, incident or anything related to you and your life, good or bad. Feel free to share with us your happiness and sorrows.

men tend to pull away time to time. give him sometime of his own. he will come back. also he might be nervous as it is his marriage also. have patience , give him some room and dont think too much. all the best for happy married life.