I am a Jatt Sikh girl of 28 yrs. I am in love with a Rajput guy from Patna from the past 6 yrs. We both met while perusing MBA from Delhi. We have been continuing a long distance relationship from the last 4 years and are still going very strong with our relation. He was working in Delhi itself for 3 yrs and has shifted to Lucknow for the past one year. He wants to relocate back to Delhi ASAP.
Our relationship is a very mature one and I have no doubts about the sustainability of our relationship. He takes great care of me and I am sure that I will be the happiest with him. My parents have a little problem with his salary but the main bone of contention is the word “BIHARI”. I have tried to convince them but to no avail. I even told them that Patna is one of the five “takhts” of Sikhism and Guru Gobind Singh Ji was born here. Moreover, I have made it very clear to the guy that it would not be possible for me to stay in a joint family in patna, and he is okay with the idea. He has also bought a house in Delhi.
Everything seems to be fine and when the guy is so capable, there should not be a problem with his family background. The only problem is that they think that people will make fun of them that they have married off their daughter to a Bihari inspite of the fact that he is so progressive and capable. My parents are very open minded otherwise and tell me that they are okay with any guy from north india. They tell me that they don’t want to marry me off so far away, but we will stay in delhi only after marriage.
Please guide me that am I wrong in being adamant on my decision. If everything else is okay, is it justified to reject a boy just because he is a bihari.

Well with all due respect to your parents, i think if they are indeed open minded then factors like Distance (which apparently is not as far as some secluded corner of the country) and the fact that they are getting regionalism in to the picture also reflects that as far as their daughter is concerned, they would prefer being little cautions and conservative.

Since your very sure about the guy in your life, then you must go ahead with it and try to reason out with your parents, indicating the practical aspect of it and how with time one should also adapt to changing circumstances and move ahead accordingly. At the end of the day you have to spend the rest of your life with the person and its the life partner who is paramount here. This i am sure even your parents would agree.

Considering the fact that your parents have brought you into this world and have total rights in influencing your decision. BUT, your duty is to make them understand that MARRIAGE is a life changing event. You are to decide with whom, you want to spend your life with. Tell them that love is not something which is influenced by caste,religion or race.
I'm sure they would want the best of everything for their daughter. So, give it a last try! Tell them that your happiness lies in spending your entire life with him, how you guys have spent 4 years with each other.. how much of a support has he provided you in phase of life.
All the best!
With regards,
Riya.

All this is okay but i want to know that is marrying a Bihari guy such a big social stigma???

Might be.
But, we belonging to this generation should not be supporting this stereotype idea of considering any religion or caste inferior.. And c'mon ... Bihari's are equally important as any another caste in India.

Exactly, It is our duty to stop supporting such stereotype ideas of considering any caste inferior, all the changes start from ourselves, if we have a desire to change our lives, than only we can think of changing others lives, ask your parents what they want, the happiness of their daughter or the thing they think is true of supporting such a old thinking of inferiority and superiority on castes and judging anyone on the basis of that background, make him understand not all persons in the community are of the types they consider the caste as, and also tell them, that you will be happy with the guy and also financially well balanced with that guy and you will not face any problem in future of anykind due to the financial soundness of the guy you love, and as far as distance is concerned, I don't think this is the real problem of concern for your parents, as you mentioned the guy has purchased a flat at Delhi itself to get settled after marriage here, so discuss the similar topic with them and ask them what they have to say on that.
Or the other thing you can do is, arrange a meeting of your parents and your BF at someday and make your parents discuss with the guy and find out whatever you say is true or false, tell them to decide only after they meet the guy and have a talk with him, after all its all about your future, God gives only 1 chance to grab the best, if the chance is lost, you may regret about it the whole life in future...Tell them that if they marry you with other guy they will ruin 3 lives together 1 of their own daughter the other of the guy to whom they will marry you as you will not be able to accept him as your DH because you love some other guy and the 3 of your bf as he will also not be able to accept some other girl as his wife because he love you.

My mother tells me that i betrayed her trust. They had sent me out for studying by trusting me and now i am showing this day to them. Earlier they only used to tell me to find a guy for myself based on my understanding with him and now that he is from Bihar, they make me feel guilty all the time. Have i betrayed their trust by falling in LOVE??? how do i explain this to her?

Hi Dear Friend,


Well, marrying a person from anywhere in India is not a taboo but yes certainly, marrying a BIHARI is definitely 'the main bone of contention '. This is a again a deep rooted stereotype thinking of people belonging to generation of our parents.
AS rightly said by Riya Sahal, parents definitely have the rights to influence your decision but when its a lifetime of decision to be made in your favor, your say really matters.
Done up with everything, you have tried alot to convince them on all points where you feel you were right. But, this fight ofcourse doesn't ends here. Next you can do is arrange a meeting between your parents and your man. Try to speak to your father more about it and try to convince him to at least meet your man once so that he can make an understanding of him. I am asking you to communicate with your father most because mothers are generally more concerned about "samaj and log" stuff.
Once your parents meet him and understand his love and care for you, depth of your relationship and how serious you both are for each other, you can expect some good from them. In a meanwhile, try to make them understand that you genuinely love him and all through this time you have thought of living with him in every single dream of yours as his wife. Being in such a long term relationship, practically makes you both a couple. And now marrying you to someone else will make things very difficult for you and ofcourse you wouldn't like to blame your parents for this. Also, try to make them understand that by denying this match, they are putting three lives in problem- yours, your lover's and the person whom you will get married to for which they have no rights to.
Always try to have a assertive approach and avoid getting into any heated debates. Listen to what they are saying and make corrections wherever necessary. Be polite and calm and don't argue. It hurts them most. Just be assertive.

Another important thing that you have perhaps forgot to mention about here is what is the feedback from the boys side and his family? Are they ready to accept you as their bride or not?? This is again really concerning because as far as I know Rajputs, they are more rigid towards same caste marriage and they just love to follow it judiciously. So, even if your parents agree to it, there might be a problem from the other side as well. So, talk to your man and ask him to initiate a talk at his home as well regarding both of you, if he hasn't done yet.

I wish you both Luck. It really feels good to see two people in such a long term relationship. Keep Loving ;-)

My parents feel that their social status will be demeaned. Everybody will make fun of them for marrying their daughter to a bihari guy. My dad is a retired air force officer and my sister is also an air force officer but his family is average middle class. My dad says that marriage is an alliance of families and should be such that both the families can interact with each other and are of equal stature. My dad wants me to have arrange marriage with guys earning atleast 80 k and having good social standing but he earns only 40k. He is a very capable guy and m sure that he'll do very gud in life. I feel that family stays in picture for initial being only and later on its the compatability of the couple. My heart says that i should get married to him but mind tells me that what dad is saying is right. What should i do?? M very confused.

Originally Posted by simratasandhu85

My parents feel that their social status will be demeaned. Everybody will make fun of them for marrying their daughter to a bihari guy. My dad is a retired air force officer and my sister is also an air force officer but his family is average middle class. My dad says that marriage is an alliance of families and should be such that both the families can interact with each other and are of equal stature. My dad wants me to have arrange marriage with guys earning atleast 80 k and having good social standing but he earns only 40k. He is a very capable guy and m sure that he'll do very gud in life. I feel that family stays in picture for initial being only and later on its the compatability of the couple. My heart says that i should get married to him but mind tells me that what dad is saying is right. What should i do?? M very confused.

Hi Dear friend,

Frankly speaking, neither you nor your dad is wrong. Yes, marriage is not just about the bride and groom but its also a relationship between the two families involved. Also, your father is not wrong if he is thinking about your well being and getting you married to a guy who earns 80k because ofcourse, he is your father and he would always want his daughter to marry someone who promises to keep her happy and secure emotionally and financially.
But he needs to understand that its your happiness that mean more than his dignity.
See, there will always be some opposition from parents when their children think of getting married to a person of their own choice. Its actually natural. You belong to a generation which has moved too far. For you or a person like you, a mutual understanding, respect of your individuality, love and care in a relationship matters more than your partner's earnings. And if it comes to earning, you see if your partner is earning well enough to afford a somewhat good living and that he has an urge to grow more. But for parents, its exactly the opposite. They prioritize money over love. They will always see a guy who is financially strong because they feel that with some compromises and adjustments being done, you will be able to afford a happy living with him.

Well coming back to your situation, communication is what I feel is te need for the hour. Communicate as much as you can. Make them realize how important he is for you. Make them understand what he has done for you to make you happy. Support your points with valid examples from past. Make them understand that their is a very good person behind this "BIHARI" tag who will keep their daughter happy. You should give some more time to it. Your parents are open minded and I don't see any hard oppositions from their side. Its just they are not able to perhaps adapt themselves to the BIHARI culture. These things will take sometime when they will think about it on their own. So, keep on talking, be assertive and make them understand the situation.

Also, as I said earlier, please clear us on the point as to how the guy's side is reacting to it. Ofcourse, you just cannot put his family out of the picture.

As of now don't panic or worry too much. Give sometime to all this. If possible try to arrange a meeting between your boyfriend and your family so that everybody gets a clear picture of your choice.




Kindly follow up !!!

Hi Pulkit,

The boy's side had some oppositions to it but generally they are cool about it. They have already met me at his sister's wedding an year back, so they know me. Opposition is only from my family's side.

I have a family in which lot of people have married foreigners and i reason it out to them that if they can marry english people, then i can also marry an Indian. And culture is not that different in the sense that they speak hindi. What if i had married a south indian and they coudn't even understand the language. And he has that fire in him to grow and gives a lot of freedom and understanding to me. The kind of bond and understanding that we share is impeccable. so why not?? And today is the era of nuclear families, so we have to settle down in delhi only. And with me also earning, it will add to our income. And if he is paying for the installments of the flat, it is a long term asset for us. His sister is also settled in delhi to a very nice guy. So i think both the families can be support for each other. What do u say to this???

Hi simratasandhu85,


Well, whatever you are thinking is absolutely right, but when you are into some discussions, you need to put yourself in your opponent's shoes too.
Thinking in some what one way is always not correct. They are your parents and you should try to understand their point of view. I understand whatever point you have made above and I cannot digest myself on the fact that just because of this "bihari" tag, how can your open-minded parents reject an offer. So, if there is anything else behind their intervention in your marriage, you need to talk to them in detail.

Instead of saying all this here, I feel its better to put forward your points to them. Also, since your family has seen so diverse relationships in the past, I somehow don't feel so that there will be much trouble in your relationship too. Good point is, atleast your parents are not against love marriage and intercaste marriage. So, on the whole, its just the matter of time. I guess, you need to give some more time to your relationship and your parents and try to convince them again.

If you see some very serious rejection, don't panic. Instead, hang on for a moment, let the matter rest and start again afresh. See, all it needs is time. The more time you give to it, more are the chances for things to work out.

Thanks Pulkit. Your timely advises are of great help. Will get back to you whenever i have any othet confusion in my mind. Thanks a lot.

Originally Posted by simratasandhu85

Thanks Pulkit. Your timely advises are of great help. Will get back to you whenever i have any othet confusion in my mind. Thanks a lot.

Hi Dear Friend,

Welcome !! Thank you for building your trust on us. We are here to help you out on any genuine thing. You can come up to us at any point in time.

May God Bless You !!

Ha Ha
What a ** forum this. I am khadus Bihari boy Well My verdict in this case is that you should not decide to marry a Bihari dude. It doesn't matter how handsome he and his salary is OK If you are unable to find a groom from your own Jat or Punjabi community then you can opt for South Indian, Muslims, North east guys, kashmiries even Pakistanis, Srilankans or you can visit Gujrat, Himachal, UP, MP, Rajsthan rural+urban areas for your choice. Why you are sounding too much here what is your intention of doing so ? It doesn't matter most of India's glorious history comes from only Bihar or Most of creamy layer of the country produced by Biharies or Bihari People are equally successful in India and across world specially successful in officialdom and excellence of education or Guru Govind Singh Was from Patna there is his Takhta in Patna Sahib. However many Punjabi girls have already married to Bihari guys. You should stop think about this dude because this blog shows you are not truly in love with that guy. If Punjabi girls can marry with so many Muslims and foreigners then why you creating noise here like its happening as 9th wonder of the world. Bihari community doesn't need Punjabi girl to marry and India people do marry according to caste and gotra not by region like Rajput to Rajput, Brahmin to Brahmin or Baniyas to Baniyas that's all If your parent want to stop any kind of interaction between Punjabi community and Bihari Community then It can be done through legal processes but for this Punjabi community will have to raise voice against of Bihar to find absolutely correct resolution for the issue. Forget about this boy house and back ground and his salary Just go to marry another jat in your life. Bihari will rule the world and we don't need Punjabi girl.