I am a white guy (23) - Just wanted to get this out the way as I only recently learned about Indian culture, the honour system and arranged marriages very recently, I apologize in advance if I write anything offensive.
Early this year I started seeing an Indian girl, (22, Sikh, Jatt) and she revealed to me that she is in an arranged marriage, however due to the fact that she was unhappy with it and did not want to marry, I did not think it was immoral for me to keep seeing her.
Marriage to me is a lifetime choice between two people, so I thought if she did not want to marry she could decline. Apparently not so.
She was engaged for the last 4 years and during that time she tried to break off the engagement several times, however her parents would not let her.
A few months after we got to know each other a little better, she became confident enough to tell her parents she does not want to marry and she found someone else she loved. Obviously they were not impressed, I don't know how much verbal abuse she suffered but they told her to break off our relationship immediately. She tried to do that, but gave up as we were both in love. Instead we had to communicate in secret since that incident. She was told that if she does not marry, she will be disowned.
Her mother made her create the visa application for her fiancé and she done so, despite my disagreement. She could not risk disobeying her family and getting disowned. She loves her family and her siblings dearly even though they continue to use and abuse her. All her savings are spent, she works and studies, does house chores and cooking, her family gives her no time at all to do any thinking. She has no free time to do any thinking or research. She's emotionally and physically exhausted. This has been going on for months.
She spoke to her fiancé about not wanting to marry him, she even told him that she loved someone else, but he did not care.
Her fiancé obtained the visa and is now in the UK. She was distraught. By this time she already tried to end our relationship 3 times and she tried doing it again.. Honestly I thought it was over, I was not happy letting her marry someone she did not love. He kept emotionally abusing her for years, did not care for her at all, I saw emotional scars in her as I got to know her.. she had no confidence, hated the way she looked - e.g. he called her fat (she is not.. not even enough to call her curvy.)
Anyway, I could not let her marry this guy.. However since she let me go, it was over, I accepted her decision and wished her well in her future.. but as soon as I thought it was over, she messaged me again.
She doesn't want to marry him, and she doesn't want to get disowned. The lady that introduced her fiancé to her just found a match for her sister who is 16/17 and really wanted an arranged marriage. She cant seek help from anyone in their community.
She recently spoke to her fiancé about how can he marry someone who loved someone else.. he stated again that he did not care, he said she must do her duty. She then asked, what about her own happiness, and he replied that she had to make sacrifices for him. When he told this to her younger sister, she had a go at her and told her to do her duty.
Her mother monitors all her actions - where she goes, her university timetable, her payslips and how many hours she works, emails and phone - to make sure she does not contact me.
Her father occasionally picks her up from work.
I should mention that her mother was in an arranged marriage herself for 25 years, with an abusive, alcoholic husband.. I should not speak ill of them.. but if they worry about family honour, they should sort themselves out first.
She does not want to marry, she does not want to lose her family.
She still wants to be with me.. but at this rate she will be married within a month. I fear she will end up as her mother in a loveless marriage, suffering from abuse and domestic violence.
I also think her fiancé just wants a UK passport.
Forced marriage has become illegal in the UK, however she does not wish to hurt her family or cause them any problems. She also does not want to dishonour her family as she was told that will have an impact on her siblings and cause them a lot of trouble.
Please offer your opinions, advice and any constructive arguments.
Thanks in advance.
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