Hi All,

This is on behalf of my very close friend. Please help her.

"I am very lucky that I got married to the guy of my dream. But right after the first one month of our marriage, we are constantly arguing and fighting over small patty issues. Be it about ego, job, money planning, or handling family matters we dont have same point of view. Even if we have, at that point in time I we both will defend each other rather than understanding other person. I am a very jealous wife too. I came to know this after we started living together. He goes out on his official trips very often and spends most of the quality time with his colleagues. There are times when we only talk about his office, his job, his life, his plans...I find myself nowhere sometimes. I ignore it. I have had frustrating time since past one and half year and this has changed him completely. He was so less tempered he still is but not with me. He has warned me that if I dont change, the repercussions might be very dangerous. I too know of this. We have in arguments already said to each other about getting separated. But when I am calm again, I know it was none of his fault. and I do not want to live without him. Not because there was once a time only he could tackle me, but because I love him genuinely and I know he too want to see me happy. I have tried many things. I have cooled down much but not enough.The arguments are still there and growing dangerous. We have lost the cool and forgotten the limits. No respect at times.How do I change myself more. I tried meditation for a month and quit that too. No patience seriously. But I do not want to lose him. When alone, I do cry for hours for hurting him. My intentions are never bad, but my words are. I dont think before replying. I have hurt his sentiments for his parents as well. But I truly respect them. Just that at times, I am misguided by the thought that they want me to be their son's servant. Whatever he says and does is right, and that I should follow. May be that's every parent want. And they dont force me, that's a good thing. Help help help...I want to live peacefully. My head is bursting with the thoughts. He called me vamp yesterday. I feel ashamed of myself. Am I so bad...? Is there no turning back... Feel like good for nothing. I cant even dare to die, my family is all alone without me...Please guide me..I can do anything to make it all right. Show me some way. Show me some way please...I love him"

Thanks.

I am sure you guys would be able to help in this case.

Hi Disha, nice to see you again..

Reading your friend's plight, all I can say is that she is going through something very common, I have seen it everywhere, specially in relations where bride-groom are known to each other prior to marriages as well as in Love Marriages. The root of cause is that you both have very high expectations from each other, and when there are expectations, there is pain.

But coming here for advice is a very commendable step by your friend, also I can see she accepted that she is a jealous wife and there is nothing wrong in that, but first and foremost thing about a healthy relationship is that you have to show trust, its like what you give is what you get... you give trust, you will get trust too.

There is one a very serious effect of doubt, mistrust and fights on married life which can actually trigger a chain of consequences, if you are too much picky on your husband, he may develop a distance from you as wanted to avoid any heated arguments which may arise from your questions and queries. He may not find your presence pleasant, not because he hates you, could be due to your expression he may decode as if you are in trouble / jealousy and doubt all the time, thus pain for you and him too, seeing you that way.

Further, as relations gets bitter, like in your case, he may look for comfort elsewhere, you know, in such situations, if he gets little comfort or support from any friend, and if that friend is a lady, could be a great trouble for you. Even if that lady is only friend, but he may get to much attached to her as he is not receiving what he needs at home.. peace and comfort.

You mentioned lots of things, about your behaviour with him, his behaviour with you, your reaction to his parent's actions and more, its actually lots of things together which is creating this tense atmosphere around your relations, you have to work on things one by one, its about human psychology, it takes time to settle.

You mentioned you both never agree on any single thing, is it that you are facing some monetary issue or is there any other problem other than your relation, if yes then have to work on that first as it could be working as catalyst here.

Now coming to mending things, first thing is that you have to make him feel that you are happy in his presence, its simple whenever he comes or see you , he should see some sort of smile there , also keep yourself well groomed ie. so that you look happy. But before that make sure he is aware that you are working on fixing up issues, you can tell him that you are consulting a friend of yours who happens to be part of some family counseling NGO etc. That way, he won't get skeptical about sudden change in your behaviour.


Second thing is that whenever there is heated argument, ask him to talk about it after a gap .. say after lunch or after dinner or even after half an hour, give any reason like you have headache, stomach ache or anything. It is because in 80% cases, if delay or postpone discussion for a while, then both person gets time to calm down, later you can discuss. But remember, you can't do this always, it also depends upon situation.

Third thing is to remember that if there is heated argument and you are not agreeing on certain things, neither he wants to accept it then simply give up, not because you gave up, but to discuss it some other time when you both are in good mood and with altogether different tone.
eg. You dont want to see one of his friend in house but he is adamant that he won't say NO , then simply end it by accepting that its fine, you will manage.. but later when his mood is good and yours too then tell him reason why you don't want, you can even emotionally black mail like when you see him, you feel discomfort etc. Afterall, he is your husband, he will definitely respond to your sentiments.But its all about how you present.

Fourth thing you can follow is to never REVOLT or DENY or go AGAINST him bluntly, its good to be precise and clear about your views and thoughts, but if you are not happy with anything then avoid direct confrontation, always look for alternate route to make him realize or agree your view..


More I can think is to avoid finding fault in him, its very simple human nature that if there is anyone who finds fault in you, you become defensive and logic is pushed out of scene. So.. all we find after that are only arguments and more arguments with no result.

Other than that I feel, even if there is super heated argument, never ever say any pesky thing even if you are super tempted to say, you know there is a saying in Hindi.. "बंदूक से निकली गोली और मुख से निकली बात कभी वापस नही लौटती" and its very much true, out of temper, people often say things which hurts a lot later, just like the word "vamp" he used for you. But you have to not to be the same and control your self , you can follow above given advices.

To sum up, its all about what you give, you give love, you get love, you give pain, you get pain and no matter what, atleast one person have to be more patient or calm else it will only worsen in coming days. Here you have to that person since you are asking for advice.

And not to forget, start doing things you like, you have to keep yourself happy and occupied. May be its time for you to show him trust, do things together like movies (as suggested to someone else by Disha in one of the thread), a two-three day vacation ..

Good luck..

I know it's a little bit late, but I hope that my advice will help someone. Never scarifies your life, for your husband. I've been in situation like this. The more you sacrfise for this type of person, the less happier you are in your marriage. Try to live just for yourself for a while, and do whatever you enjoy.

I know that it is a bit late, but I hope that my advice will help someone. Never sacrifice your life for the ego-centric selfish husbands. The more you do, the less happier you are